heyhey.. suddenly i feel like thanking everybody who are my frens for bringing me laughter.. for bringing me memories which are so priceless..
hm, if you thinking i going crazy, first thing den go around thanking.. but really.. suddenly, i remembered so many things that made me laugh out of the sudden..
and i am still veri anxious abt darren's sudden internet disappearance.. damn, why am i so shameless?!
30 April 2005
29 April 2005
heyhey
yar yar, i broken the eunice's book of record for not blogging for so long.. or did i?
btw, tue was auntie visit. and im recording this info down cos i scared i lose track.. hahax..
today was a bad day.. physics teacher damn disappointed with us, den econs teacher seems so damn happy to stop teaching my class since today was her last day in pj.. econs lecture in pj sux. i prefer innova's..
budden.. tell you wad, in my first month in pj, i have been so much happier den the three months in ij.. it's like -- happiness in pj = 3 x happiness in ij -- must be cos of the pple in pj.. but i still miss ij's teachers; mr chu, mr ang, mr ng.. haiz! i miss all the guy teachers.. hahahahaha.. lucky i no miss the gal teachers, or else i really suspect im les..... haha.. nvm, i'll get over it.. oh yar, nect week, pj's hockey gals gonna go against acjc, hope pj wins... i shall pray hard, very very very hard..
haha, im veri tired from jc life now.. hope i can cope yar? okae, gtg to do pw le.. tok next time.. bye!
btw, tue was auntie visit. and im recording this info down cos i scared i lose track.. hahax..
today was a bad day.. physics teacher damn disappointed with us, den econs teacher seems so damn happy to stop teaching my class since today was her last day in pj.. econs lecture in pj sux. i prefer innova's..
budden.. tell you wad, in my first month in pj, i have been so much happier den the three months in ij.. it's like -- happiness in pj = 3 x happiness in ij -- must be cos of the pple in pj.. but i still miss ij's teachers; mr chu, mr ang, mr ng.. haiz! i miss all the guy teachers.. hahahahaha.. lucky i no miss the gal teachers, or else i really suspect im les..... haha.. nvm, i'll get over it.. oh yar, nect week, pj's hockey gals gonna go against acjc, hope pj wins... i shall pray hard, very very very hard..
haha, im veri tired from jc life now.. hope i can cope yar? okae, gtg to do pw le.. tok next time.. bye!
23 April 2005
think
i have been thinking.. am i being shameless, disloyal or wad? i like the guys whom i can never deserve to be with, and somehow, i have crushes here and there.. it's like im the ppc [production probability curve], whereas those wonderful guys are outside the curve. according to econs, they are "unattainable". see how econs actually applies into our daily lives!? so studying econs is fun! going for the papers are not.. so are the tutorials.. sian sia..
got outta point le..
the point is, i dun deserve anybody's love.. im selfish, im calculative, im fugly, im irritating, i talk when im not suppose to and keep quiet when im supposed to talk, i laugh too loudly at times, i cant whisper, i sing off-key, i cant score As for anything.. im a failure, a loser..
haiz, all the discouraging words somehow made me feel better.. cos i have been keeping these opinions abt myself in my heart for a long time and somehow i wanna say all these things out.. ahhhhhh.....
okae, i gtg to study econs le.. tok next time.. tata!
got outta point le..
the point is, i dun deserve anybody's love.. im selfish, im calculative, im fugly, im irritating, i talk when im not suppose to and keep quiet when im supposed to talk, i laugh too loudly at times, i cant whisper, i sing off-key, i cant score As for anything.. im a failure, a loser..
haiz, all the discouraging words somehow made me feel better.. cos i have been keeping these opinions abt myself in my heart for a long time and somehow i wanna say all these things out.. ahhhhhh.....
okae, i gtg to study econs le.. tok next time.. tata!
i admit
okae, i admit. i am veri easily affected. by pple whom i love. okae, saying that is the same as not saying.. who wont be affected by pple they love? im crappy.
and i got more crappy, more agitated and more worried abt this fren. how come darren suddenly no more friendster account? and how come he so long no come online? den wad was he trying to say when he emailed me saying "send me your email please!", when i dun have a clue abt wad he want? and wad was he trying to say in his second friendster email, which had no content, nothing? [cos when you cancel your friendster account, friendster will remove all traces of you, no more testimonials left by you, all emails you had sent to pple will be removed, as if you had never been in friendster. just nice i didnt get to read the msg before he cancelled the account, which means that when i opened the notification and i saw nth besides an empty email.]
does he know that this sudden action of his made me feel disoriented? it's like, you are toking to a person halfway when that person suddenly cut you off and walk away.. i do not like that attitude.. im an oddball, that i just found out.. and his action made me assume that he dun like me. made me assume that he had always been making fun of me. see how i make these ugly assumptions? cos i cant come out with a nice one since there are hundreds of assumptions, probably thousands.
okae, i dun tok abt him now. the more i think the more angry and worred i get. honestly, i dun want my assumptions to be correct.
headache, eye-ache [eye super dry], ear-ache [mother keeps yakking and yakking and yakking and yakking and yakking at my ear].. last night even got fever, until i gotta struggle keeping my eyes open for me to watch my fav show.. i love those tvb drama serials.. hongkong actors are better than singapore ones.. singapore ones act until super fake, if you look closer, you can actually notice that many artistes dun have convincing expressions. be it eyes, face, it is so easy to know that they are only concentrating on saying out wad is on the scripts.. their eyes cant express the characters' feelings.. the singapore veterans at leas got std.. it's those who have came in a few years ago.. i cant tahan their acting.. okae, nvm.. im just being critical.. so i dun like watching those made-in-singapore serials.. it makes me super sian..
okae, i gtg.. got alot of hmk to do this time..
and i got more crappy, more agitated and more worried abt this fren. how come darren suddenly no more friendster account? and how come he so long no come online? den wad was he trying to say when he emailed me saying "send me your email please!", when i dun have a clue abt wad he want? and wad was he trying to say in his second friendster email, which had no content, nothing? [cos when you cancel your friendster account, friendster will remove all traces of you, no more testimonials left by you, all emails you had sent to pple will be removed, as if you had never been in friendster. just nice i didnt get to read the msg before he cancelled the account, which means that when i opened the notification and i saw nth besides an empty email.]
does he know that this sudden action of his made me feel disoriented? it's like, you are toking to a person halfway when that person suddenly cut you off and walk away.. i do not like that attitude.. im an oddball, that i just found out.. and his action made me assume that he dun like me. made me assume that he had always been making fun of me. see how i make these ugly assumptions? cos i cant come out with a nice one since there are hundreds of assumptions, probably thousands.
okae, i dun tok abt him now. the more i think the more angry and worred i get. honestly, i dun want my assumptions to be correct.
headache, eye-ache [eye super dry], ear-ache [mother keeps yakking and yakking and yakking and yakking and yakking at my ear].. last night even got fever, until i gotta struggle keeping my eyes open for me to watch my fav show.. i love those tvb drama serials.. hongkong actors are better than singapore ones.. singapore ones act until super fake, if you look closer, you can actually notice that many artistes dun have convincing expressions. be it eyes, face, it is so easy to know that they are only concentrating on saying out wad is on the scripts.. their eyes cant express the characters' feelings.. the singapore veterans at leas got std.. it's those who have came in a few years ago.. i cant tahan their acting.. okae, nvm.. im just being critical.. so i dun like watching those made-in-singapore serials.. it makes me super sian..
okae, i gtg.. got alot of hmk to do this time..
22 April 2005
sian sia
heyhey.. wah, today i have nth to tok abt. besides saying that i went to skool, studied, walked all around the skool to get to the respective classes [which seems stupid cos we actually dilly dally, should have just given us a classroom to stick to with teachers coming to us.. we are not paying to make our lives difficult k?] and then after skool, waited for emmaling and sweetin to go for gb.. in the end swee tin cannot catch up with emmaline and me and gave up going for gb.. haha.. gb was kinda silly.. the gals were in gb uniform [AGAIN.] and playing hide-n-seek.. diao lor.. budden quite fun to act like i dunno that they are hiding under the table... so i keep swinging an unwanted tie around under the table and disturbnig them, at least they have some entertainment... btw, yay! no more gb until 20may... really, going for gb is tiring.. den after rec, the sweaty and smelly gals went to the lt for devotion, it STANK. worse than a rubbish dump, worse than a fish mkt.. at least you can walk away from those smelly places, budden i gotta sit right infront of them and i couldnt leave cos ms ong was like, blocki... cant possibly tell her,"here too smelly; suffocating me.. i must leave. excuse me," when she singing those christian songs.. okae, nth else to complain abt besides attending skool and gb.. draining my energy.
byebye!
byebye!
16 April 2005
yesterday, and the day before yesterday
heyhey.. yesterday, elin flew home. suddenly, i feel that she belongs to melbourne. strange. nvm. and the day before yesterday i went out for dinner with elin, emmaline, evan, jie bin and yonghao.. [ever since i went to make my new ic, i found out that your hanyu pinyin name must be spelt as one word. just nice my birth cert spelt my name as "shu fang" when it's supposed to be "shufang". in the end they wanted me to redo the birth cert in order to get my hanyu pinyin name into my ic. bloodsuckers, gotta pay for every damn thing. so i refused to redo my birth cert.]
the dinner was at jurong point; fish & co. [note: DO NOT EVER EVER GO EAT THINGS AT FISH & CO. THEY ARE BIGGER BLOODSUCKERS THAN THE GOVT. THEIR SERVICE CHARGE ALMOST COST $10 WHEN THEY ONLY TOOK OUR ORDERS, FILLED OUR WATER ONCE AND GIVE US THE BILL. TEN BLOODY DOLLARS. gst was more than $5. the govt is damned rich too. sorry for the vulgarities.]
but before that, we wanted to go take neoprints; more like elin wanna take neoprints.. budden the neoprint shop closed down le.. so we were busy deciding where to eat. someone KINDLY suggested eating at seoul garden. hello!? no matter how much a glutton you are, you can never eat a buffet meal worth $15.99 ++. the "++" matters ALOT. you could go try it out if you brought a hundred dollars with you.
so we talked abt going to long john silver, so jie bin and yonghao made alot of noise sia. most of the noise came from jie bin lar.. cos she got really sick of the fishes and chickens there.. den talk talk talk talk until one whole round go back to fish & co. diao.. okae, dinner took super long to finish cos halfway while struggling thru the waiting process of them cooking the sea creatures, elin saw eugene and lihong snuggling with each other outside comics connection. den they entered my fav shop [which is comic connection lar].. den elin was super curious and went to go see them. den i sian of waiting so i oso go.. lor oso go.. budden once i step inside i regretted my decision so i just pretended to be fascinated by the key chains that i so cannot buy since i am oredi bankrupted by the fishes. and i never expected my fried fish to be mushed-up-toufu-cum-goreng-pisang-with-onli-a-lil-fishy-taste. i could have used a spoon instead of a knife. to scoop up the "toufu".
den after the dinner, we went around den we went to take photos.. i am so un-photogenic.. that's why i hate taking photos. den pose here pose there, got one time even gotta jump into the air when the camera snaps.. in the end only show me up in the air.. diao.. they jump oredi den i jump.. i think, or maybe cos of the 2.0s of human reaction time that the photographer took.. yonghao is the photographer.. [normal human reaction time = 0.2s] no wonder lar hor.... hahahahahaha.. see, physics so interesting, can headshot pple..
in the end we separated at arount 8 something.. or was it 9 something?? nvm, still as late.. and i even had skool the next day!! wow!! and my day didnt end with friday skool! it ended with me going from cck all the way to changi airport!! and the airport is so big until i got lost while wondering abt. cos NOBODY told me where i was supposed to go.. and when i called elin, her sis answered and said that she dunnoe a single thing. i will never go to the airport anymore unless i am the one flying off ! now, remind me that i said that.
this time when elin went off, i didnt feel anything much. no sense of loss, nothing.. that's wad bothering me. or is it bothering me? nvm. i just feel that we werent as close as i tot we used to be.. and somehow, the tot that she will come back made me feel the lack of the required sadness. i feel so numbed by my tots. until there was the blass barrier, i only wanted to look at her one more time, and that everbody seemed to be blocking my view.. that was wad i tot.. nth else.. okae lar, oso with the tot that she will come back in december.. now, i feel so damn tired of missing her, tired of thinking of her.. should i be feeling guilty? i dun think so. if i hurt anybody with my words, i no longer care. and i dun want to. cos i am tired. tired of everything and anything. tired of being sad.
now im just being disorganized. trying to adjust to the hectic jc lifestyle. i miss innova so damn much now. i want so much to see my ex-physics-cum-civics tutor.. no lar, i dun have crush on him.. he's just more down-to-earth than ms tay, that's why i like [as in fren like fren] him.. the teachers at innova seemed so approachable.. okae, not all.. only those who taught me over there..
pioneer's teachers seem so distant and they seem to be rushing to do the next thing and they seem like they are a level higher than the students there.. it's like they are the superior ones.. except one, dennis yeo.. wah, he super funny lor.. and super wacky.. i need him as my civics tutor, or else i will mutate into the unfeeling kind oredi.. okae, nvm.. i shall make do with wad i have now.. gotta accept reality. HAIZ.
okae, i think i typed abit too much.. but hey, im summarising wad happened within 2 days and my tots and feelings leh.. haha, gtg.. tata!!
primal attraction to one guy, a loving-longing for one man and a thoroughly true love for one God. dun ask who. i feel that you cant get any more stupid than i think you are. and i think you know who im toking abt. so damn obvious.
oh yar, bye!
the dinner was at jurong point; fish & co. [note: DO NOT EVER EVER GO EAT THINGS AT FISH & CO. THEY ARE BIGGER BLOODSUCKERS THAN THE GOVT. THEIR SERVICE CHARGE ALMOST COST $10 WHEN THEY ONLY TOOK OUR ORDERS, FILLED OUR WATER ONCE AND GIVE US THE BILL. TEN BLOODY DOLLARS. gst was more than $5. the govt is damned rich too. sorry for the vulgarities.]
but before that, we wanted to go take neoprints; more like elin wanna take neoprints.. budden the neoprint shop closed down le.. so we were busy deciding where to eat. someone KINDLY suggested eating at seoul garden. hello!? no matter how much a glutton you are, you can never eat a buffet meal worth $15.99 ++. the "++" matters ALOT. you could go try it out if you brought a hundred dollars with you.
so we talked abt going to long john silver, so jie bin and yonghao made alot of noise sia. most of the noise came from jie bin lar.. cos she got really sick of the fishes and chickens there.. den talk talk talk talk until one whole round go back to fish & co. diao.. okae, dinner took super long to finish cos halfway while struggling thru the waiting process of them cooking the sea creatures, elin saw eugene and lihong snuggling with each other outside comics connection. den they entered my fav shop [which is comic connection lar].. den elin was super curious and went to go see them. den i sian of waiting so i oso go.. lor oso go.. budden once i step inside i regretted my decision so i just pretended to be fascinated by the key chains that i so cannot buy since i am oredi bankrupted by the fishes. and i never expected my fried fish to be mushed-up-toufu-cum-goreng-pisang-with-onli-a-lil-fishy-taste. i could have used a spoon instead of a knife. to scoop up the "toufu".
den after the dinner, we went around den we went to take photos.. i am so un-photogenic.. that's why i hate taking photos. den pose here pose there, got one time even gotta jump into the air when the camera snaps.. in the end only show me up in the air.. diao.. they jump oredi den i jump.. i think, or maybe cos of the 2.0s of human reaction time that the photographer took.. yonghao is the photographer.. [normal human reaction time = 0.2s] no wonder lar hor.... hahahahahaha.. see, physics so interesting, can headshot pple..
in the end we separated at arount 8 something.. or was it 9 something?? nvm, still as late.. and i even had skool the next day!! wow!! and my day didnt end with friday skool! it ended with me going from cck all the way to changi airport!! and the airport is so big until i got lost while wondering abt. cos NOBODY told me where i was supposed to go.. and when i called elin, her sis answered and said that she dunnoe a single thing. i will never go to the airport anymore unless i am the one flying off ! now, remind me that i said that.
this time when elin went off, i didnt feel anything much. no sense of loss, nothing.. that's wad bothering me. or is it bothering me? nvm. i just feel that we werent as close as i tot we used to be.. and somehow, the tot that she will come back made me feel the lack of the required sadness. i feel so numbed by my tots. until there was the blass barrier, i only wanted to look at her one more time, and that everbody seemed to be blocking my view.. that was wad i tot.. nth else.. okae lar, oso with the tot that she will come back in december.. now, i feel so damn tired of missing her, tired of thinking of her.. should i be feeling guilty? i dun think so. if i hurt anybody with my words, i no longer care. and i dun want to. cos i am tired. tired of everything and anything. tired of being sad.
now im just being disorganized. trying to adjust to the hectic jc lifestyle. i miss innova so damn much now. i want so much to see my ex-physics-cum-civics tutor.. no lar, i dun have crush on him.. he's just more down-to-earth than ms tay, that's why i like [as in fren like fren] him.. the teachers at innova seemed so approachable.. okae, not all.. only those who taught me over there..
pioneer's teachers seem so distant and they seem to be rushing to do the next thing and they seem like they are a level higher than the students there.. it's like they are the superior ones.. except one, dennis yeo.. wah, he super funny lor.. and super wacky.. i need him as my civics tutor, or else i will mutate into the unfeeling kind oredi.. okae, nvm.. i shall make do with wad i have now.. gotta accept reality. HAIZ.
okae, i think i typed abit too much.. but hey, im summarising wad happened within 2 days and my tots and feelings leh.. haha, gtg.. tata!!
primal attraction to one guy, a loving-longing for one man and a thoroughly true love for one God. dun ask who. i feel that you cant get any more stupid than i think you are. and i think you know who im toking abt. so damn obvious.
oh yar, bye!
13 April 2005
today VIII
today ar... i went to skool as usual.. nowadays nth much interesting happened, that's why i no blog.. but today, something happened. i went for my internal cca, the READING CLUB. but i just went for the secong half of the 3h thing... cos i went for the econs test for fun in order to avoid the club.. hahax. the 2nd half which i attended was quite sian.. first, we played peanut game, den memory games, den a game that the first group who finish half of a watermelon wins.. in the end, only two guys from my group ate the half of the watermelon... haha... they eat until the thing almost finish.. den the teacher i/c tok and tok and tok and tok until i almost fell asleep..
how "cool" can the club get!? sian diao.. dun wanna tok abt it le.. super tired now sia.
btw, i miss MW so so so much, i like "big guy" ALOT, and i love Him. for the entire day, i have been "seeing" images of MW. this morning when the VP was toking during assembly, i recognised a strong resemblance btn these 2 wonderful men; they are soft spoken and they have the tone of sincerity [even though the VP seemed to have caught his tongue and keep making mistakes when toking, as though he is super nervous and that his mind went blank, but hey! he got the notes for announcement right infront of him, so he no need to worry abt blank minds wad, can just read off the notebook.. MW will NEVER experience that kind of loss-for-words situation.. he's got the glib of the tongue sia. hahax..]..
btw, i finally know that MW actually got to the skool's division in the hq.. make me think and think which section he went to for so long... and asking him personally seemed way odd rite!?
den this afternoon, when i was sitting outside the staffroom to study [in the env with the world's loudest group of gossipers yakking behind moi], a teacher came out of the room and started toking on the phone.. i den "saw" MW, walking out and toking into the phone as i used to see him do so [whenever he receives a call at work, he'll come out of the room and stay away from company. maybe cos he got bad hearing and need to listen hard for the caller].. i miss him so much.. and everytime i listen to the radio - perfect10 - and songs of last year are played, i will be reminded ofthe times i used to chiong thru my self-studying in the learning@fairfield with the company of MW, him being somewhere where i can easily lift my head and see him.. i miss him so damn much. so DAMN much. DAMN MUCH.
ah yes, yh lent me the book "chicken soup for the christian teenage soul". there's so many stories which actually made me cry on the bus.. wah, me got emotional in the most inappropriate place. now, lemme share a story. [i am so dead; gotta type ALOT.]
louisa's bouquet
most of us would find it easy to name all our emotional tugs to the word "fren". we'd say they stick with us thru thick and thin, become bridges over troubled waters, share our secrets, forgive our follies and applaud our successes.
then there are the pplpe who peek into out lives, rearrange us and slip away before we even knowthey were our frens.
such was louisa.
louisa and i were not the most visible pple in our large high skool. in fact, if you had asked out classmates to describe us in one word, most of them would have chosen, "who?" we met in gym class and became talk-and-walk-out-of-the-soccer-field companions. she talked abt her plans and goals for a better life and everything she tot God had called her to be. no more travelling to work the harvest -- she wanted to be the first in her family to go to the college. she would provide a better life for her dad and mom and help her bros and sis thru skool she would live a faith-filled life and in the end go to eternity with God.
she worked toward her future in the decisions she made each day. she worked hard for good grades, took speech class for confidence, took an etiquette class class for style and worked after skool to save all shecould for college after pitching in to help her family. when i shared my plans, she would never let me dream away to someday. she would ask me the who, wad, where, when and why questions to help me define and refine my goals until she was satisfied that my plan was worked all the way thru. she'd say,"listen to God, do all you can do and leave the rest to Him."
our relationship came to an abrupt end 3 weeks later. on friday, we walked out to the soccer field, and the next mon we didnt.
and we never did again. lousia died. she came down with meningitis and died. just like that.
i couldnt wrap myself acound the reality of her death. louisa had helped me to see my possiblities, to be honest abt my weaknesses. to see the building of long-term dreams in the day-to-day decisions, then to bunch them all together and present them to God with as much joy and innocence as a child giving her mother a bouquet of wildflowers and weeds.
but i was still walking out to the soccer field, and louisa was gone. for the next few weeks i played while louisa was heavy in my heart -- until the day she shouted the answer to me. at least, i would like to believe it was her.
i was running down the field in control of the soccer ball. "go for the goal, louisa!" the team captain yelled. the mistakes in our names breezed thru my head.
i always passed the ball, not bcos i was a team player, but bcos i was fully confident in my inability to score a pt. [applies to moi too yea! - eunice] "louisa, go for the goal!" the captain yelled again. i saw the net, i knew wad steps to take, i took my shot and the ball smashed in.
"you did it, louisa! you made it," the team chorused. my sorrow began to be replaced with understanding.
"you did it, louisa," i whispered to my faraway fren.
and she had. louisa had reacher her highest goal first. she had lieved her life with faith and hope, and she was now with God.
"you made it," i said thru my tears.
whe your somedays have come and gone, you may look back and be surprised to find that your best frens were not always the funniest ones, the smartest ones or the ones you've kept since kindergarten. you may just find that your truest fren was the one who tiptoed into your life, taught you to pick your bouquet and then quietly slip away.
tmw, i'll enter another touching story[s] abt the relationship btn parent and child. and someone being angry with God for something He never did.
eunice, out!
how "cool" can the club get!? sian diao.. dun wanna tok abt it le.. super tired now sia.
btw, i miss MW so so so much, i like "big guy" ALOT, and i love Him. for the entire day, i have been "seeing" images of MW. this morning when the VP was toking during assembly, i recognised a strong resemblance btn these 2 wonderful men; they are soft spoken and they have the tone of sincerity [even though the VP seemed to have caught his tongue and keep making mistakes when toking, as though he is super nervous and that his mind went blank, but hey! he got the notes for announcement right infront of him, so he no need to worry abt blank minds wad, can just read off the notebook.. MW will NEVER experience that kind of loss-for-words situation.. he's got the glib of the tongue sia. hahax..]..
btw, i finally know that MW actually got to the skool's division in the hq.. make me think and think which section he went to for so long... and asking him personally seemed way odd rite!?
den this afternoon, when i was sitting outside the staffroom to study [in the env with the world's loudest group of gossipers yakking behind moi], a teacher came out of the room and started toking on the phone.. i den "saw" MW, walking out and toking into the phone as i used to see him do so [whenever he receives a call at work, he'll come out of the room and stay away from company. maybe cos he got bad hearing and need to listen hard for the caller].. i miss him so much.. and everytime i listen to the radio - perfect10 - and songs of last year are played, i will be reminded ofthe times i used to chiong thru my self-studying in the learning@fairfield with the company of MW, him being somewhere where i can easily lift my head and see him.. i miss him so damn much. so DAMN much. DAMN MUCH.
ah yes, yh lent me the book "chicken soup for the christian teenage soul". there's so many stories which actually made me cry on the bus.. wah, me got emotional in the most inappropriate place. now, lemme share a story. [i am so dead; gotta type ALOT.]
louisa's bouquet
most of us would find it easy to name all our emotional tugs to the word "fren". we'd say they stick with us thru thick and thin, become bridges over troubled waters, share our secrets, forgive our follies and applaud our successes.
then there are the pplpe who peek into out lives, rearrange us and slip away before we even knowthey were our frens.
such was louisa.
louisa and i were not the most visible pple in our large high skool. in fact, if you had asked out classmates to describe us in one word, most of them would have chosen, "who?" we met in gym class and became talk-and-walk-out-of-the-soccer-field companions. she talked abt her plans and goals for a better life and everything she tot God had called her to be. no more travelling to work the harvest -- she wanted to be the first in her family to go to the college. she would provide a better life for her dad and mom and help her bros and sis thru skool she would live a faith-filled life and in the end go to eternity with God.
she worked toward her future in the decisions she made each day. she worked hard for good grades, took speech class for confidence, took an etiquette class class for style and worked after skool to save all shecould for college after pitching in to help her family. when i shared my plans, she would never let me dream away to someday. she would ask me the who, wad, where, when and why questions to help me define and refine my goals until she was satisfied that my plan was worked all the way thru. she'd say,"listen to God, do all you can do and leave the rest to Him."
our relationship came to an abrupt end 3 weeks later. on friday, we walked out to the soccer field, and the next mon we didnt.
and we never did again. lousia died. she came down with meningitis and died. just like that.
i couldnt wrap myself acound the reality of her death. louisa had helped me to see my possiblities, to be honest abt my weaknesses. to see the building of long-term dreams in the day-to-day decisions, then to bunch them all together and present them to God with as much joy and innocence as a child giving her mother a bouquet of wildflowers and weeds.
but i was still walking out to the soccer field, and louisa was gone. for the next few weeks i played while louisa was heavy in my heart -- until the day she shouted the answer to me. at least, i would like to believe it was her.
i was running down the field in control of the soccer ball. "go for the goal, louisa!" the team captain yelled. the mistakes in our names breezed thru my head.
i always passed the ball, not bcos i was a team player, but bcos i was fully confident in my inability to score a pt. [applies to moi too yea! - eunice] "louisa, go for the goal!" the captain yelled again. i saw the net, i knew wad steps to take, i took my shot and the ball smashed in.
"you did it, louisa! you made it," the team chorused. my sorrow began to be replaced with understanding.
"you did it, louisa," i whispered to my faraway fren.
and she had. louisa had reacher her highest goal first. she had lieved her life with faith and hope, and she was now with God.
"you made it," i said thru my tears.
whe your somedays have come and gone, you may look back and be surprised to find that your best frens were not always the funniest ones, the smartest ones or the ones you've kept since kindergarten. you may just find that your truest fren was the one who tiptoed into your life, taught you to pick your bouquet and then quietly slip away.
tmw, i'll enter another touching story[s] abt the relationship btn parent and child. and someone being angry with God for something He never did.
eunice, out!
09 April 2005
jin tian ["today" in chinese]
today is the greatest day of the month for me man.. erm, wait a min. ah, greatest day of the week. haha, know why? will tell you later, lemme relate you a story.
once upon a time, there lived a gal who tot that she was unloved. she tot that the whole world was perfect, but that she was the only imperfect one. she hated herself. hated the one who let her into this world, for making her suffer the agony of being ostracized.
until when she became 16, she tot her condition couldnt get worse. but it did. she wanted to die so much, but never plucked the courage. she looked down from the top of buildings. her legs buckled so much [phobia of heights] and she just stared down. she didnt even dare to move. she tot to herself, "see, i dun even dare to die. im a perfect coward, a perfect freak." within months, she saw that she had never been needed by anybody. she was an extra, an accident. nobody needed her, nobody bothered to love her. nobody was there for her, never had been. she cried everyday. she cried till she ran out of tears, out of feelings. she became void of feelings. she built a mental wall and keep herself in her own world. for her world is where she sought comfort.
den suddenly, her world disappeared. and suddenly, she felt a surge of happiness. she saw a comforting, yet bright light in her heart. the light warmed her heart and brightened her darkness. the newfound light was the understanding that someone had always been there for her.
He never left her. He had always been there, watching over her, protecting her from excess harm that threatened to suffocate her. He had seen her and loved her even before she was created in the mother's womb. she finally saw the Truth.
she broke down. but this time, it was of mixed feelings. she had felt so guilty. so sorry that she hadnt noticed. that she only tot of herself, her own selfish self. but she was overjoyed over this knowledge that she had never been left alone by Him. she was so happy that someone loves her so much that He would do anything to let her come to His side and enjoy all that He had to offer.
now, she was given two options: to go to His side, or to continue wallowing in self-pity.
she chose to love Him back. subsequently, her spirits rose amazingly. she tot that nothing could ever make her unhappy again.
but one day, she became unhappy and started to hate herself again. this time, she hated everything and forgot about His love for her. she stopped worshipping Him and ceased praising His name.
till days later, she realized that her folly had made her further away from Him. she started to ask why. why was she having so many doubts, why she had went back to square one. she felt cold tears rolling down her cheeks and felt the comforting coolness and thenfeeling the tears dry up. but as soon she started questioning, she felt herself falling in love with Him all over again.
and that feeling was the best she had ever felt. she felt herself indulging in His love all over again. and she made a wish. a wish that she would always be able to fall over and over and over in love with Him throughout her life.
"..i'll never know how much it costs to see my sins upon that cross.."
the gal is me.
okae now here's why today has been great.
first, i first time go cut hair at a hair saloon. used to going to either QB House[now called EC House], or those neighbourhood hairdressors. today i actually went to KIMAGE. at first, i saw that ALL the hairstylists looked super japanese with those spunky hairstyles, got blue hair, yellow hair, red hair. okae lar, not the entire head, only streaks. thank God, or else i think i go to mental hospital.. haha.. so i sat down on the seat, wah so nice... budden i feel so damn odd. cos im like plain jane in a place she dun belong to. nvm abt that, i feel like a 3-yr-old, fascinated with EVERYTHING in there.. really, everything. so cool........................ den the gal who did my hair is evon.. so chio!!!!!! no, im no les. eh, cant i admire the same sex!? and she is soooooooooooooo chio!! look like one taiwanese actress, the one who acted as a jap in WESTSIDE STORY [wonderful drama serial].. den i layered my hair, shortened it by one inch and changed my fringe's style cos she said that it will soften my features... yar, it really did, looked so girl girl now... great, i dun have girly clothes to suit my hair.. nvm, i just wear skool uni.. haha.. and she washed my hair twice, first to make her hair easier to cut, second to wash off the hair that had been cut but still stuck in the uncut hair.. she somemore massaged my entire scalp and neck lor....!!!! so shiok, no wonder my sister so like to go there to do her hair..
the best thing was that a super cute guy hairstylist actually came forward to help her blowdry my hair!!! he is soooooooooo cute.....!!!!!!!!! actually, i tot that the gal was the only one drying my hair, cos i never tot that two hairstylists handling one head of hair.. so when that guy took the hairdryer from another table and walked to my chair, i was still like, dreamy and mentally drolling abt that guy [i sooooo despo, but eh, human nature to be attracted right?! he is so cool...].. den until he started to take my left side of my hair, i still in lalaland.. haha.......... den i suddenly woke up, den i saw my eyes got bigger thru the mirror.. super shocked, den my heart was literally at my throat [aiyar, i should be getting used to this feeling ever since i got a crush on MW].. i tried not to smile stoopidly, or else i'll freak everybody out.. den i dun wanna look at him too much, so i closed my eyes and tried to remember opportunity costs [econs, see how mcuh it impacted me!?].. and i managed to do so!!!!! wah, i tot my mind would have been blank from the pleasant surprise.. den i opened my eyes, the two are STILL blowdrying my hair. i was thinking, when will this be over....? in a dreamy state, of course... cos adrenaline was coursing throughout my entire body and i need to jump around to bring myself back to earth.. den i said a lil prayer in my heart, thanked Him for wadever had happened to me recently, esp this haircut.. lucky i dragged myself out of the bed to go out for this haircut, or else i would have missed EVERYTHING.. den the whole time, nobody talked at all.. so damn quiet, budden i tahan-ed... and i think i did blush......... and my eyes did dilate! wow! wad the scientists said was true!!!!!!! erm, dun ask me why im toking abt eyes getting dilated, so embarrassing.. and it's the first time a guy actually did my hair!!!! first time that a guy touch my neck and hair and ears..... so it's natural i actually felt fascinated right????? dun answer this question, please. i was asking myself. just let me indulge in this feeling okae!?
budden the blowdrying part was......like a car in the blowing part after the car wash in the machine thingy.... wah, imagine, two hands pulling at your hair, with two super duper hairdryer blowing your hair... and you know when monkeys help one another pick fleas? yar, when i look into the mirror, i tot i saw me in that scenario and almost laughed.. ALMOST lar......... everytime when i high, i will wanna laugh or smile stoopidly........ silly me.
budden it was worth it lar... got shuai ge help me do my hair... i think that guy is evon's boyfren... cos he keep looking at her.. and yar, a couple normally do things together, so that's why he did my hair... you fu tong xiang, you nan tong tang [got happiness den share, got troubles den overcome together; singlish translation by eunice].. wad a great bf..... budden abit too quiet le.... i cannot tahan..... but he is soooooooooooooo shuai, sooooooooooooooo cute!!!!!!! in the end i almost dun wanna wash my hair.. hahaha, i got wash lar.... i just like the smell of the shampoo that she used.. i wanna know the brand, budden they put in a unlabelled contianer.... dunnoe why they dun wanna help the company advertise.. the shampoo veri nice wad, got nice scent, and i like foamy ones... veri fun to play with the foam.. haha...
okae, nvm... just lemme go crazy for once... in the end this haircut cost $20... student rate leh.... but i didnt pay a cent, my sis paid..... hahahahahahaha..
hey, gtg le.... gonna watch species III.. tata!!!!
once upon a time, there lived a gal who tot that she was unloved. she tot that the whole world was perfect, but that she was the only imperfect one. she hated herself. hated the one who let her into this world, for making her suffer the agony of being ostracized.
until when she became 16, she tot her condition couldnt get worse. but it did. she wanted to die so much, but never plucked the courage. she looked down from the top of buildings. her legs buckled so much [phobia of heights] and she just stared down. she didnt even dare to move. she tot to herself, "see, i dun even dare to die. im a perfect coward, a perfect freak." within months, she saw that she had never been needed by anybody. she was an extra, an accident. nobody needed her, nobody bothered to love her. nobody was there for her, never had been. she cried everyday. she cried till she ran out of tears, out of feelings. she became void of feelings. she built a mental wall and keep herself in her own world. for her world is where she sought comfort.
den suddenly, her world disappeared. and suddenly, she felt a surge of happiness. she saw a comforting, yet bright light in her heart. the light warmed her heart and brightened her darkness. the newfound light was the understanding that someone had always been there for her.
He never left her. He had always been there, watching over her, protecting her from excess harm that threatened to suffocate her. He had seen her and loved her even before she was created in the mother's womb. she finally saw the Truth.
she broke down. but this time, it was of mixed feelings. she had felt so guilty. so sorry that she hadnt noticed. that she only tot of herself, her own selfish self. but she was overjoyed over this knowledge that she had never been left alone by Him. she was so happy that someone loves her so much that He would do anything to let her come to His side and enjoy all that He had to offer.
now, she was given two options: to go to His side, or to continue wallowing in self-pity.
she chose to love Him back. subsequently, her spirits rose amazingly. she tot that nothing could ever make her unhappy again.
but one day, she became unhappy and started to hate herself again. this time, she hated everything and forgot about His love for her. she stopped worshipping Him and ceased praising His name.
till days later, she realized that her folly had made her further away from Him. she started to ask why. why was she having so many doubts, why she had went back to square one. she felt cold tears rolling down her cheeks and felt the comforting coolness and thenfeeling the tears dry up. but as soon she started questioning, she felt herself falling in love with Him all over again.
and that feeling was the best she had ever felt. she felt herself indulging in His love all over again. and she made a wish. a wish that she would always be able to fall over and over and over in love with Him throughout her life.
"..i'll never know how much it costs to see my sins upon that cross.."
the gal is me.
okae now here's why today has been great.
first, i first time go cut hair at a hair saloon. used to going to either QB House[now called EC House], or those neighbourhood hairdressors. today i actually went to KIMAGE. at first, i saw that ALL the hairstylists looked super japanese with those spunky hairstyles, got blue hair, yellow hair, red hair. okae lar, not the entire head, only streaks. thank God, or else i think i go to mental hospital.. haha.. so i sat down on the seat, wah so nice... budden i feel so damn odd. cos im like plain jane in a place she dun belong to. nvm abt that, i feel like a 3-yr-old, fascinated with EVERYTHING in there.. really, everything. so cool........................ den the gal who did my hair is evon.. so chio!!!!!! no, im no les. eh, cant i admire the same sex!? and she is soooooooooooooo chio!! look like one taiwanese actress, the one who acted as a jap in WESTSIDE STORY [wonderful drama serial].. den i layered my hair, shortened it by one inch and changed my fringe's style cos she said that it will soften my features... yar, it really did, looked so girl girl now... great, i dun have girly clothes to suit my hair.. nvm, i just wear skool uni.. haha.. and she washed my hair twice, first to make her hair easier to cut, second to wash off the hair that had been cut but still stuck in the uncut hair.. she somemore massaged my entire scalp and neck lor....!!!! so shiok, no wonder my sister so like to go there to do her hair..
the best thing was that a super cute guy hairstylist actually came forward to help her blowdry my hair!!! he is soooooooooo cute.....!!!!!!!!! actually, i tot that the gal was the only one drying my hair, cos i never tot that two hairstylists handling one head of hair.. so when that guy took the hairdryer from another table and walked to my chair, i was still like, dreamy and mentally drolling abt that guy [i sooooo despo, but eh, human nature to be attracted right?! he is so cool...].. den until he started to take my left side of my hair, i still in lalaland.. haha.......... den i suddenly woke up, den i saw my eyes got bigger thru the mirror.. super shocked, den my heart was literally at my throat [aiyar, i should be getting used to this feeling ever since i got a crush on MW].. i tried not to smile stoopidly, or else i'll freak everybody out.. den i dun wanna look at him too much, so i closed my eyes and tried to remember opportunity costs [econs, see how mcuh it impacted me!?].. and i managed to do so!!!!! wah, i tot my mind would have been blank from the pleasant surprise.. den i opened my eyes, the two are STILL blowdrying my hair. i was thinking, when will this be over....? in a dreamy state, of course... cos adrenaline was coursing throughout my entire body and i need to jump around to bring myself back to earth.. den i said a lil prayer in my heart, thanked Him for wadever had happened to me recently, esp this haircut.. lucky i dragged myself out of the bed to go out for this haircut, or else i would have missed EVERYTHING.. den the whole time, nobody talked at all.. so damn quiet, budden i tahan-ed... and i think i did blush......... and my eyes did dilate! wow! wad the scientists said was true!!!!!!! erm, dun ask me why im toking abt eyes getting dilated, so embarrassing.. and it's the first time a guy actually did my hair!!!! first time that a guy touch my neck and hair and ears..... so it's natural i actually felt fascinated right????? dun answer this question, please. i was asking myself. just let me indulge in this feeling okae!?
budden the blowdrying part was......like a car in the blowing part after the car wash in the machine thingy.... wah, imagine, two hands pulling at your hair, with two super duper hairdryer blowing your hair... and you know when monkeys help one another pick fleas? yar, when i look into the mirror, i tot i saw me in that scenario and almost laughed.. ALMOST lar......... everytime when i high, i will wanna laugh or smile stoopidly........ silly me.
budden it was worth it lar... got shuai ge help me do my hair... i think that guy is evon's boyfren... cos he keep looking at her.. and yar, a couple normally do things together, so that's why he did my hair... you fu tong xiang, you nan tong tang [got happiness den share, got troubles den overcome together; singlish translation by eunice].. wad a great bf..... budden abit too quiet le.... i cannot tahan..... but he is soooooooooooooo shuai, sooooooooooooooo cute!!!!!!! in the end i almost dun wanna wash my hair.. hahaha, i got wash lar.... i just like the smell of the shampoo that she used.. i wanna know the brand, budden they put in a unlabelled contianer.... dunnoe why they dun wanna help the company advertise.. the shampoo veri nice wad, got nice scent, and i like foamy ones... veri fun to play with the foam.. haha...
okae, nvm... just lemme go crazy for once... in the end this haircut cost $20... student rate leh.... but i didnt pay a cent, my sis paid..... hahahahahahaha..
hey, gtg le.... gonna watch species III.. tata!!!!
08 April 2005
this day
ahhh... tired tired me
first, i slept at 1am, next i woke up at 6am. bad enough for me.
in skool till 4, had to spend the last one hour in skool WAITING for pple. i do not like waiting at all.. @#$@#$&*. den travelled allllllll the way to fmss for gb.. damn tired oredi.. den devotion i got spiritually exhausted. during devotion, i did not participate one bit. first reason, the lecture theatre sank of sweat. eeew............ all the BOs of gals combined in a confined space.. i suffocated lor... for one hour stuck in there... den they purposely off all the lights and got the projector thingy strained my oredi tired eyes.. why cant they just dim the lights??!?!?!?!? den those irritating sec ones behind me either go giggling and yakking away, or roll their eyes. wah liao, wad kind of devotion is this!? and there has been no speaker.. either sick or something cropped up... liddat no fun at all.. liddat im gonna withdraw from gb. the gb now is not the gb i used to care, used to adore, used to love.. i no longer sense the enthusiasm from the juniors. i dun feel anything from their speech, actions, body lang. they are just going for the cca points or that they arent physically adequate.. im starting to hate gb.. now even the teachers oso going to be in shut down mode lor..
and their drill. sux. dun wanna elab. i just kept shaking my head, until i gave up looking and turned my entire body away from them.
den after that, straight after gb and straight after swee tin left, i brightened up. you know why. dun ask.
den emmaline, elin, huiyi, lydia and i went for dinner at dover.. yay!!! i ate laksa, huiyi ate laksa. lydia and elin ate roti prata.. emmaline ate erm....i forgot. ah, roti prata too.....
den after dat, emma left for more dinner with her family.. den the rest of the group went to buy a tub of ice cream to share... 7 dollars.. den i didnt bring enough money. bankrupt-ed by pjc's books and shirt.. argh...
we saw that there were no space, or that the coffeeshop got assasins who will kill whoever brings outside food into the shop.. so we went to lydia's house.. after eating finish the entire tub [we ate quite fast, dunnoe why..], we went to explore lydia's room.. man we tok-ed alot.. well, quite alot.. mostly abt her drawings and her wounded door.. damn funny.. budden too long for me to type..
den elin and huiyi went home, their mothers fetched them from lydia's house downstairs.. my bro refuse to fetch me home. >:( cos he was in tampines.. hello!? den wad's the bloody car for? impressing gals with that unwaxed, seriously stained vehicle!? nvm... in the end i waited ten minutes for one bus no 14 to go to clementi, den i actually fell asleep.. and you know wad!? NOBODY bothered to wake me up when the bus reached the last stop.. in the end i slept until the bus parked at the bus parking lots thingy... den gotta walk all around the place with those humongous buses surrounding me.... wah... never tot that they were THAT big.... scary.... den i took 99 home... reached home at 9.45pm....
wah..... damn tired.... so i now gonna sleep... tata!!!
i miss him so.
first, i slept at 1am, next i woke up at 6am. bad enough for me.
in skool till 4, had to spend the last one hour in skool WAITING for pple. i do not like waiting at all.. @#$@#$&*. den travelled allllllll the way to fmss for gb.. damn tired oredi.. den devotion i got spiritually exhausted. during devotion, i did not participate one bit. first reason, the lecture theatre sank of sweat. eeew............ all the BOs of gals combined in a confined space.. i suffocated lor... for one hour stuck in there... den they purposely off all the lights and got the projector thingy strained my oredi tired eyes.. why cant they just dim the lights??!?!?!?!? den those irritating sec ones behind me either go giggling and yakking away, or roll their eyes. wah liao, wad kind of devotion is this!? and there has been no speaker.. either sick or something cropped up... liddat no fun at all.. liddat im gonna withdraw from gb. the gb now is not the gb i used to care, used to adore, used to love.. i no longer sense the enthusiasm from the juniors. i dun feel anything from their speech, actions, body lang. they are just going for the cca points or that they arent physically adequate.. im starting to hate gb.. now even the teachers oso going to be in shut down mode lor..
and their drill. sux. dun wanna elab. i just kept shaking my head, until i gave up looking and turned my entire body away from them.
den after that, straight after gb and straight after swee tin left, i brightened up. you know why. dun ask.
den emmaline, elin, huiyi, lydia and i went for dinner at dover.. yay!!! i ate laksa, huiyi ate laksa. lydia and elin ate roti prata.. emmaline ate erm....i forgot. ah, roti prata too.....
den after dat, emma left for more dinner with her family.. den the rest of the group went to buy a tub of ice cream to share... 7 dollars.. den i didnt bring enough money. bankrupt-ed by pjc's books and shirt.. argh...
we saw that there were no space, or that the coffeeshop got assasins who will kill whoever brings outside food into the shop.. so we went to lydia's house.. after eating finish the entire tub [we ate quite fast, dunnoe why..], we went to explore lydia's room.. man we tok-ed alot.. well, quite alot.. mostly abt her drawings and her wounded door.. damn funny.. budden too long for me to type..
den elin and huiyi went home, their mothers fetched them from lydia's house downstairs.. my bro refuse to fetch me home. >:( cos he was in tampines.. hello!? den wad's the bloody car for? impressing gals with that unwaxed, seriously stained vehicle!? nvm... in the end i waited ten minutes for one bus no 14 to go to clementi, den i actually fell asleep.. and you know wad!? NOBODY bothered to wake me up when the bus reached the last stop.. in the end i slept until the bus parked at the bus parking lots thingy... den gotta walk all around the place with those humongous buses surrounding me.... wah... never tot that they were THAT big.... scary.... den i took 99 home... reached home at 9.45pm....
wah..... damn tired.... so i now gonna sleep... tata!!!
i miss him so.
07 April 2005
yesterday
yesterday, i met manure on bus no. 985.. i saw him with a gal but i dun bother to know how she looked like.
cos the first minute i saw him, i looked away and treated him like he never existed.. well, i made myself look super cheerful with my newfound frens.. wanted so much to spite him.. so so much.. den the next two stops he got off the bus.. i was thinking, "aw, no more fun".. den when i look at him thru the bus window when he got into the bus stop, he looked lost... maybe cos he didnt want to share the same bus as me.. cos of the stoopid crowd that he was one metre away from me only.. and there's no way we wanna be that close........ and im not giving in this time.. so he gave up. muahaha..
aiyar, now super tired... do notice that all pj-cians who are ex-fairsians are all complaining of extreme fatigue... i think mine is critical condition.. so i gtg and treat myself le.. bye bye!!!!!
i love him still
cos the first minute i saw him, i looked away and treated him like he never existed.. well, i made myself look super cheerful with my newfound frens.. wanted so much to spite him.. so so much.. den the next two stops he got off the bus.. i was thinking, "aw, no more fun".. den when i look at him thru the bus window when he got into the bus stop, he looked lost... maybe cos he didnt want to share the same bus as me.. cos of the stoopid crowd that he was one metre away from me only.. and there's no way we wanna be that close........ and im not giving in this time.. so he gave up. muahaha..
aiyar, now super tired... do notice that all pj-cians who are ex-fairsians are all complaining of extreme fatigue... i think mine is critical condition.. so i gtg and treat myself le.. bye bye!!!!!
i love him still
06 April 2005
lost it all..
i've lost all the positive feelings i felt for my frens.
suddenly i feel disgusted by the shallowness of some of them..
suddenly i have distanced myself from them..
suddenly now i am only having shallow frenships..
suddenly i lost it all.
it all happened an hour ago. dun wanna say anything anymore abt this.. i hope i wont talk abt this anymore.. so now, im gonna let it all out.
im tired of life. tired of frenships that wont last a lifetime. tired of going to skool. tired of going home from skool. tired of waking up early. tired of sleeping late. tired of having tot so damn many nonsence. tired of everything. lost the passion. lost the zest. lost it all.
dun console me. it's no use. it never worked on me. you may think it worked a few years ago. lemme tell you now. it NEVER worked. i simply buried it into an unknown folder in my heart. maybe it's called the recycled bin. im sorry. no, that is me being polite. i dun that i've done anything wrong in telling pple the simple truth. i dun find anything wrong in letting them know wad im thinking. this is my space and i own it. you dun have to read it. you dun have to comment. this is MY blog. nobody cares rite? i dun wanna care abt you anymore. not now, not ever. i want to be in my own world. now i finally know why there are bimbos, why there are brainless pple. cos sometimes, thinking causes greater depression. so why not only look at the outside and not care abt the inside? why not just let everything pass? why not just be as shallow as anyone else so that you dun have to care much? life has enough worries and troubles.. thinking further abt life causes even more headache. im sick of everything.
btw, elin came back on saturday, not friday.
are these symptoms of depression? currently having eating disorders too..
great, i am having a relapse of depression. no, im not on drugs. and i like the kiwi sweets elin bought for me.. later im gonna eat the cheese ruffles. havent tried them.. and buying two of them brings me one free pizza thingy from pizza hut. okae, im stingy, im cheapskate, im the modern-version of the scrooge. i dun care. im fat, that i care. but this concern on my weight will expire by the end of 2006. cos no more napfa. no more weighing. no more ht-taking. no need to look down on myself.
btw, wanna go out to have a pizza meal? sms me. 9830 6422.. btw, lydia, i dun have your number ever since that bangladesh stole my hp. lemme have it as soon as you read this notice. thankyou.
oh yar, i think that bangladesh grabbed my ass b4 he stole my phone to test me. but that time i was an empty shell, my mind was elsewhere, so i didnt feel it until i started thinking an hours after that. damn him. damn myself. im stoopid.
i've lost all the positive feelings i felt for my frens.
suddenly i feel disgusted by the shallowness of some of them..
suddenly i have distanced myself from them..
suddenly now i am only having shallow frenships..
suddenly i lost it all.
it all happened an hour ago. dun wanna say anything anymore abt this.. i hope i wont talk abt this anymore.. so now, im gonna let it all out.
im tired of life. tired of frenships that wont last a lifetime. tired of going to skool. tired of going home from skool. tired of waking up early. tired of sleeping late. tired of having tot so damn many nonsence. tired of everything. lost the passion. lost the zest. lost it all.
dun console me. it's no use. it never worked on me. you may think it worked a few years ago. lemme tell you now. it NEVER worked. i simply buried it into an unknown folder in my heart. maybe it's called the recycled bin. im sorry. no, that is me being polite. i dun that i've done anything wrong in telling pple the simple truth. i dun find anything wrong in letting them know wad im thinking. this is my space and i own it. you dun have to read it. you dun have to comment. this is MY blog. nobody cares rite? i dun wanna care abt you anymore. not now, not ever. i want to be in my own world. now i finally know why there are bimbos, why there are brainless pple. cos sometimes, thinking causes greater depression. so why not only look at the outside and not care abt the inside? why not just let everything pass? why not just be as shallow as anyone else so that you dun have to care much? life has enough worries and troubles.. thinking further abt life causes even more headache. im sick of everything.
btw, elin came back on saturday, not friday.
are these symptoms of depression? currently having eating disorders too..
great, i am having a relapse of depression. no, im not on drugs. and i like the kiwi sweets elin bought for me.. later im gonna eat the cheese ruffles. havent tried them.. and buying two of them brings me one free pizza thingy from pizza hut. okae, im stingy, im cheapskate, im the modern-version of the scrooge. i dun care. im fat, that i care. but this concern on my weight will expire by the end of 2006. cos no more napfa. no more weighing. no more ht-taking. no need to look down on myself.
btw, wanna go out to have a pizza meal? sms me. 9830 6422.. btw, lydia, i dun have your number ever since that bangladesh stole my hp. lemme have it as soon as you read this notice. thankyou.
oh yar, i think that bangladesh grabbed my ass b4 he stole my phone to test me. but that time i was an empty shell, my mind was elsewhere, so i didnt feel it until i started thinking an hours after that. damn him. damn myself. im stoopid.
today VII
today's tiring.. i dunnoe why.. i just feel so tired... lemme find out why..
morning, waited for bus for soooooo damn long... is that the reason why? or is it cos this whole morning when i was at the bus stop my mother kept toking abt wanting me to speak up all those? hello!? who wants to yak when they hardly awake!? nvm..
den for skool, i had one and a half hour of pe.. did 2.4km, budden at fifth round got stitches, so teacher let me off.. [yay!] den do standing broad jump.. i improved!!! i got 150.... well, around there.. maybe 147.. den sit up... i did only 20... why!? i oso dunnoe.. lost the energy halfway.. maybe cos my fren who was doing it beside me suddenly sneezed halfway doing a sit up. den i laugh laugh laugh laugh.... so cannot concentrate on doing sit up... man, i now veri easy laugh with those gals around.. bet i tmw got whole body ache.. somehow i like it when i get sick or when i get full body aches.. make me feel vulnerable and not protected.. i like the feeling.. so that when im cold and that i hug myself, i feel so warm.. and that i get alot of self-pity for myself.. den i'll start telling myself to get strong all those kind of self-encouragement.. den i feel better... im weird right? hahax, it just gives me a desire to be protected and loved.. by somebody else besides God.. hey, i want to be know the feeling of that..
den i got a question.. are we still frens? erm, lemme rephrase it. are still as close as we used to when we were in sec 3 and 4? den why do we have seemed to lost conversation topics..? why do we have so little to say to each other suddenly? has time bridged a gap btn us? or have we built a wall btn ourselves? wad should i do? not care abt it and let this frenship go...? there's no way i wanna let this go rite now.. im still clinging onto the hope that the flame of our frenship will be rekindled just as strong as it used to.. just as strong as i feel for you... just as strong.. or at least stronger than now.. nvm, forget it..
morning, waited for bus for soooooo damn long... is that the reason why? or is it cos this whole morning when i was at the bus stop my mother kept toking abt wanting me to speak up all those? hello!? who wants to yak when they hardly awake!? nvm..
den for skool, i had one and a half hour of pe.. did 2.4km, budden at fifth round got stitches, so teacher let me off.. [yay!] den do standing broad jump.. i improved!!! i got 150.... well, around there.. maybe 147.. den sit up... i did only 20... why!? i oso dunnoe.. lost the energy halfway.. maybe cos my fren who was doing it beside me suddenly sneezed halfway doing a sit up. den i laugh laugh laugh laugh.... so cannot concentrate on doing sit up... man, i now veri easy laugh with those gals around.. bet i tmw got whole body ache.. somehow i like it when i get sick or when i get full body aches.. make me feel vulnerable and not protected.. i like the feeling.. so that when im cold and that i hug myself, i feel so warm.. and that i get alot of self-pity for myself.. den i'll start telling myself to get strong all those kind of self-encouragement.. den i feel better... im weird right? hahax, it just gives me a desire to be protected and loved.. by somebody else besides God.. hey, i want to be know the feeling of that..
den i got a question.. are we still frens? erm, lemme rephrase it. are still as close as we used to when we were in sec 3 and 4? den why do we have seemed to lost conversation topics..? why do we have so little to say to each other suddenly? has time bridged a gap btn us? or have we built a wall btn ourselves? wad should i do? not care abt it and let this frenship go...? there's no way i wanna let this go rite now.. im still clinging onto the hope that the flame of our frenship will be rekindled just as strong as it used to.. just as strong as i feel for you... just as strong.. or at least stronger than now.. nvm, forget it..
05 April 2005
outing
went out after skool to lot one..
met jie bin and emmaline in the same lecture theatre since we actually had the same chinese lecture at the same time.. nobody knew wad the lecturer was really toking for the entire hour.. and darn, i think all the chinese teachers are made in china.. i cant tahan their slang at times.. and no more versions of mr pang.. hahaiz.. eh, back to topic.
we walked, to the bus stop to take the bus 985 to cck interchange.. den after that reached control staion, elin and lydia havent reach, so we 3 sit at one corner, emma read her "dracula" book, i read the TIMES mag, jie bin sleep.. can see why emma and i wear specs while jie bin no wear!? haiz.. den after wad seemed like eternity and after emma and i having tired necks having craned over the fence thingy to look out for the 2 small pple, they finally finally reached cck.. elin dyed her hair to having streaks of red, wore black blouse and pink skirt which seemed to be mopping the floor and slippers.. lydia wore shirt and jeans.. ah, usual dress sense for everybody.
den we went to the food court to have lunch.. teppenyaki. i didnt order.. dun want my wallet to burn a hole yet.. so i took some from elin, some from emma.. hahax, in the end the guy didnt even collect the rice and soup money.. make me so guilty for not ordering.. next time i buy his food..
den after dat we went to mini toons, i bought shoelaces and a chopchop.. den went to Popular as a gang to buy things.. den we left lot one and moved on the going home.. den we went our separate ways after reaching je mrt station..
great. now my mother wants my father to go and die. and i almost wanted to ask her whether he got buy insurance. not joking.. im sick and tired of everything. she just keeps cursing him. so the whole time i at home i keep my mouth shut and let her do the talking.. yak yak yak. if my father actually dies, this will act as evidence that my mother actually induced him to do so.. hm... so am i counted as an accomplice for not informing the police abt this? no lar hor...? heh heh.. gtg.. sleepy. tata..
met jie bin and emmaline in the same lecture theatre since we actually had the same chinese lecture at the same time.. nobody knew wad the lecturer was really toking for the entire hour.. and darn, i think all the chinese teachers are made in china.. i cant tahan their slang at times.. and no more versions of mr pang.. hahaiz.. eh, back to topic.
we walked, to the bus stop to take the bus 985 to cck interchange.. den after that reached control staion, elin and lydia havent reach, so we 3 sit at one corner, emma read her "dracula" book, i read the TIMES mag, jie bin sleep.. can see why emma and i wear specs while jie bin no wear!? haiz.. den after wad seemed like eternity and after emma and i having tired necks having craned over the fence thingy to look out for the 2 small pple, they finally finally reached cck.. elin dyed her hair to having streaks of red, wore black blouse and pink skirt which seemed to be mopping the floor and slippers.. lydia wore shirt and jeans.. ah, usual dress sense for everybody.
den we went to the food court to have lunch.. teppenyaki. i didnt order.. dun want my wallet to burn a hole yet.. so i took some from elin, some from emma.. hahax, in the end the guy didnt even collect the rice and soup money.. make me so guilty for not ordering.. next time i buy his food..
den after dat we went to mini toons, i bought shoelaces and a chopchop.. den went to Popular as a gang to buy things.. den we left lot one and moved on the going home.. den we went our separate ways after reaching je mrt station..
great. now my mother wants my father to go and die. and i almost wanted to ask her whether he got buy insurance. not joking.. im sick and tired of everything. she just keeps cursing him. so the whole time i at home i keep my mouth shut and let her do the talking.. yak yak yak. if my father actually dies, this will act as evidence that my mother actually induced him to do so.. hm... so am i counted as an accomplice for not informing the police abt this? no lar hor...? heh heh.. gtg.. sleepy. tata..
cant think of a title
my mother lar..
i dunnoe whether i should hate her or love her.
i hate her for making so much noise and bossing everybody around without caring.
i hate her for making a favourite out of my bro.
but i love her for the positive noise she actually brings into my life, for my life would have been more quiet with no companion
i love her for she is my mother and i cant bear to lose her. i cant imagine my life without her..
but sometimes, i really appreciate it if she is ever understanding and at peace with the world. and somehow, i dunnoe how to tell her that. i dunnoe how to let her know. i dun bother to do so anymore.. im tired. tired of everything. but im still holding onto God. so i wont let go. i wont let go of my grip. i wont let go of my life. i cant let my string snap so soon. i havent experienced the true essence of life and i havent done wad God had planned for my entire life. i cant afford to disappoint anybody. i want many pple to mourn at my funeral. i dun want the few number of pple of my current life to be at my funeral, i am greedy for a grander one.. somehow, the more you had achieved, the more you had done for yourself, your pple, your nation, the world and God, more and more pple will actually care about you living your life. c'mon, look at how grand the Pope's funeral was....!!! look at how huge leslie's funeral was. look at how pple actually grieve for someone they never knew well enough.. i want that to happen to me.
i know, im ambitious... and maybe im getting suicidal all over again. feel some depression setting into my head. i feel gloomy, alone and abandoned. may God bless me the strength to actually continue walking.. bless me the determination and the cheerfulness i once had.. bless me over and over and over and over and over and over again.. please.
i dunnoe whether i should hate her or love her.
i hate her for making so much noise and bossing everybody around without caring.
i hate her for making a favourite out of my bro.
but i love her for the positive noise she actually brings into my life, for my life would have been more quiet with no companion
i love her for she is my mother and i cant bear to lose her. i cant imagine my life without her..
but sometimes, i really appreciate it if she is ever understanding and at peace with the world. and somehow, i dunnoe how to tell her that. i dunnoe how to let her know. i dun bother to do so anymore.. im tired. tired of everything. but im still holding onto God. so i wont let go. i wont let go of my grip. i wont let go of my life. i cant let my string snap so soon. i havent experienced the true essence of life and i havent done wad God had planned for my entire life. i cant afford to disappoint anybody. i want many pple to mourn at my funeral. i dun want the few number of pple of my current life to be at my funeral, i am greedy for a grander one.. somehow, the more you had achieved, the more you had done for yourself, your pple, your nation, the world and God, more and more pple will actually care about you living your life. c'mon, look at how grand the Pope's funeral was....!!! look at how huge leslie's funeral was. look at how pple actually grieve for someone they never knew well enough.. i want that to happen to me.
i know, im ambitious... and maybe im getting suicidal all over again. feel some depression setting into my head. i feel gloomy, alone and abandoned. may God bless me the strength to actually continue walking.. bless me the determination and the cheerfulness i once had.. bless me over and over and over and over and over and over again.. please.
04 April 2005
today VI
heyhey.. this morning was cool.. i missed the 187 bus i waited 10 min for.. ironic rite? cos that stooooopid bus driver no see me standing there trying to flag it down. in the end gotta make emmaline wait for me.. and i managed to reach the skool just before the gates.. haha, yonghao today oso late... even later than moi.. hahahahaha........... even worse is that in the end we had to sprint to the hall which seemed so far away and den squeeeeeeeeeeeeze into the crowded cage...... scary... den i so short stand right in the middle of giants... how the hell do i see!? so i just look around, sometimes tiptoe to look at who making announcements, den i look at my shoes [it seems that it need some serious washing].. look at shuai ge in my class.. den before i knew it, assembly was over. den i gotta squeeeeze OUT of the crowd.. have been squeezing here and there lately.. saturday night in the skytrain i kana squashed, not squeezed.. den the 2 angmohs behind me laughing about the jokes i crack abt the crowd.. diao.. i dun even know them..
den skool started. the whole class veri "bonded".. the guys follow the gals everywhere.. so after the first lecture, the gals went to toilet as usual.. so the guys actually followed.. at first the guys behind blur blur, dunnoe where to go so follow the gals lor.. den suddenly one of the guys say something that made me laugh. he was expecting us to go to a classroom, not a gals' toilet.. haha.. he said it in hokkien with a "wah liao".. haha..
for contact time, the teacher called us to fill in a form describing ourselves. i wrote alot of things abt loving God and crappy stuff eg my hobbies are eating, sleeping, toking, breathing, walking, loving.. haha.. i actually wrote those in. i didnt bother sounding sophisticated or profound or anything impressing. i just wrote my greatest achievement as being able to live a life, happiest thing is to be a human.. 5 adjectives to describe myself; simple, polite, sensitive, blah, blah.
after skool, i stayed back to study for a few hours.. so guai leh!! went to the library to do some physics.. so damn noisy!!!!! so i couldnt concentrate at all...
when i went home, i actually overslept by one stop.. in the end gotta walk a long way along the slope at bt batok... being close to those tall trees in the cold weather made me feel vulnerable, weak and alone.. haiz.. i felt, afraid. no one knows wad those trees and vines are hiding.. okae, im having a creative mind. yay! tmw can meet elin for lunch le.....!!
den skool started. the whole class veri "bonded".. the guys follow the gals everywhere.. so after the first lecture, the gals went to toilet as usual.. so the guys actually followed.. at first the guys behind blur blur, dunnoe where to go so follow the gals lor.. den suddenly one of the guys say something that made me laugh. he was expecting us to go to a classroom, not a gals' toilet.. haha.. he said it in hokkien with a "wah liao".. haha..
for contact time, the teacher called us to fill in a form describing ourselves. i wrote alot of things abt loving God and crappy stuff eg my hobbies are eating, sleeping, toking, breathing, walking, loving.. haha.. i actually wrote those in. i didnt bother sounding sophisticated or profound or anything impressing. i just wrote my greatest achievement as being able to live a life, happiest thing is to be a human.. 5 adjectives to describe myself; simple, polite, sensitive, blah, blah.
after skool, i stayed back to study for a few hours.. so guai leh!! went to the library to do some physics.. so damn noisy!!!!! so i couldnt concentrate at all...
when i went home, i actually overslept by one stop.. in the end gotta walk a long way along the slope at bt batok... being close to those tall trees in the cold weather made me feel vulnerable, weak and alone.. haiz.. i felt, afraid. no one knows wad those trees and vines are hiding.. okae, im having a creative mind. yay! tmw can meet elin for lunch le.....!!
03 April 2005
blogging time
heyhey... i read the papers just now, went to the Lifestyle section and somehow, two articles struck me hard. real hard.
the first articles that hit me, was the first article of the paper, at page one.. the title," anything you can do, he can, too".. you might be thinking, oh, some paralysed man being noble and being able to do wad normal pple do. yup, that's a generalisation on these strong-minded pple. i am not being sarcastic, or being cynical.. it's just that stories like that seems to be everywhere.. it's mr w mitchell, ms lena maria [in case you dunnoe her, go check the net. hint: she sings beautifully.].. they all inspire something deep within any human with a heart. truth is, will we remember the lesson we have been taught? i have oredi heard of mr w mitchell years ago. and i have learnt to face life as cheerfully as can be. prob is, i actually forgot abt this lesson. i forgot it clean. but luckily, i have oredi been psyched into leading a cheerful life. i sound bitter, cold, wadever that comes to your mind.. but really, im starting to lose my passion for most things.. but i do get emotional still..
okae, if you didnt get wad i just said, sorry, i wont ever bother explaining to you.
second article. it's about blogging. page 25. "blogging the pain".. it's introducing us how blogging can actually act as a healing effect for the mind of the mentally/physically hurt.. if you didnt get to read it, you're missing a lot of spiritual inspiration. aiyar, dunnoe if i got that "spiritual inspiration" correct; wanna say that those blogs motivates, and that if you missed out in reading them, you'll continue living the life you tot is the world's most miserable one. well, maybe. aiyar, just read it.
http://dorothy.leukemiafighters.org
http://www.nobrarequired.com/journal
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4211475.stm
http://dyingis.blogspot.com
http://yinggie.blogspot.com [yar, mine.. hahahahahahahahahahaha] JUST KIDDING!! i am not that inspirational.
yesterday was GREAT!!!!! in the morning, i went to be a karang guni!!!! so fun hor!!! im being sarcastic here. my civics group got blocks 235, 237, 238, 239. i went to block 237. 11 storeys, we went from up to down, den up again.. cos no lobang. another skool oredi collected their junk last week.. so there were lil for us to take.. at the last house we went to, the couple gave us two mattresses and one hi-fi set.. there was a completely new mattress, the other quite old and torn.. so i practically hugged the new mattress down... cos it's light, but it blocked my view.. that's why it's fun to carry it.. you never know when you'll miss a step down the stairs.. it's like my life, i dunnoe wad is ahead of me, and that my burden is so much lighter den many others.. okae, wad am i tokin abt again??!
den last night, i went to fetch elin!!! yay!!! she's really back!!!! jie bin, evan, me and my sis went to fetch her with her family... she's still the same height, but definitely, her hair grew longer.. haha.. yar, den i gave her an anklet.. her flight touched down at 20.54.. QF9.. belt 17.. hm.. i gtg le.. bye bye!!!
the first articles that hit me, was the first article of the paper, at page one.. the title," anything you can do, he can, too".. you might be thinking, oh, some paralysed man being noble and being able to do wad normal pple do. yup, that's a generalisation on these strong-minded pple. i am not being sarcastic, or being cynical.. it's just that stories like that seems to be everywhere.. it's mr w mitchell, ms lena maria [in case you dunnoe her, go check the net. hint: she sings beautifully.].. they all inspire something deep within any human with a heart. truth is, will we remember the lesson we have been taught? i have oredi heard of mr w mitchell years ago. and i have learnt to face life as cheerfully as can be. prob is, i actually forgot abt this lesson. i forgot it clean. but luckily, i have oredi been psyched into leading a cheerful life. i sound bitter, cold, wadever that comes to your mind.. but really, im starting to lose my passion for most things.. but i do get emotional still..
okae, if you didnt get wad i just said, sorry, i wont ever bother explaining to you.
second article. it's about blogging. page 25. "blogging the pain".. it's introducing us how blogging can actually act as a healing effect for the mind of the mentally/physically hurt.. if you didnt get to read it, you're missing a lot of spiritual inspiration. aiyar, dunnoe if i got that "spiritual inspiration" correct; wanna say that those blogs motivates, and that if you missed out in reading them, you'll continue living the life you tot is the world's most miserable one. well, maybe. aiyar, just read it.
http://dorothy.leukemiafighters.org
http://www.nobrarequired.com/journal
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4211475.stm
http://dyingis.blogspot.com
http://yinggie.blogspot.com [yar, mine.. hahahahahahahahahahaha] JUST KIDDING!! i am not that inspirational.
yesterday was GREAT!!!!! in the morning, i went to be a karang guni!!!! so fun hor!!! im being sarcastic here. my civics group got blocks 235, 237, 238, 239. i went to block 237. 11 storeys, we went from up to down, den up again.. cos no lobang. another skool oredi collected their junk last week.. so there were lil for us to take.. at the last house we went to, the couple gave us two mattresses and one hi-fi set.. there was a completely new mattress, the other quite old and torn.. so i practically hugged the new mattress down... cos it's light, but it blocked my view.. that's why it's fun to carry it.. you never know when you'll miss a step down the stairs.. it's like my life, i dunnoe wad is ahead of me, and that my burden is so much lighter den many others.. okae, wad am i tokin abt again??!
den last night, i went to fetch elin!!! yay!!! she's really back!!!! jie bin, evan, me and my sis went to fetch her with her family... she's still the same height, but definitely, her hair grew longer.. haha.. yar, den i gave her an anklet.. her flight touched down at 20.54.. QF9.. belt 17.. hm.. i gtg le.. bye bye!!!
01 April 2005
pioneer jc
heyhey... me feels like i have not blogged for ages... haha, i think im addicted to blogging.. is there such addiction??! okae, nvm.. it's crappin' time!!
hm.... i today den found out that the vp of pjc is the young-looking guy with spiky hair.. always tot that he is one hod of something.. haha, i even got to know it from emmaline when she is supposed to be more blur than me.. haiyo...
den this morn, mrs wee, the hod of cca-or-something-like-that announced to officers of uniformed groups to see her abt something.. den i blur, didnt know that she was toking abt me.. haha.. den swee tin told me that we gotta hand in a letter to the jc in order to have gb as external cca... den i blur blur, emmaline blur blur.. so we went to look for mrs wee [when we dun have to..] everywhere... budden still cannot find her.. den the stoopid phone of the staff room not working lor.... all the phones.. so we gave up, went to the general office, no The Helm [they named it the Helm.... diao], to ask around.. den emmaline say she scared, dun dare to tok to vp... so i gotta tok lor............. haiyo..
so i went to the counter thingy, and started to ask the vp abt having ext cca.. den he say he go look for mrs wee lor.. den he walk away, den i look at emmaline.. den she got a shocked look... why? later den i tell you why.. lemme finish the story.. den the vp say that mrs wee isnt around [ i translated his words into "she disappeared into thin air" ].. so we okae lor, go out and look for her in the canteen..
so while we walked the looooong way to the canteen, she told me while she looked so shocked.. the truth was, i actually blushed while i was toking to the vp... now im the one being shocked.. haha.. i didnt know that i can actually blush... next time i gotta bring a mirror to see my blushing face.. haha.. den she tot i got a crush on the vp.... den i diao.
actually, it's cos he really reminds me of mr wee.. really. and yar, the only times when i either become Demure Eunice or Extra-Crazy Eunice is when i tok to MW.. and when i started to have "split personalities" [no lar, not the real thing], i tried veri hard to keep a calm surface.. honestly, after that my heart will beat super fast and the blood rush to my face lor.. somehow, that happens to me when i tok to older men.. men who are nearly twice my age and charming. budden i this time got improvement!!! i got look straight into the vp's eyes! last time i shy until dun even dare to look directly at MW lor.. aiyar, in the end i will still blush. haiz.... sad..
im thinking so much abt him, how!?
hm.... i today den found out that the vp of pjc is the young-looking guy with spiky hair.. always tot that he is one hod of something.. haha, i even got to know it from emmaline when she is supposed to be more blur than me.. haiyo...
den this morn, mrs wee, the hod of cca-or-something-like-that announced to officers of uniformed groups to see her abt something.. den i blur, didnt know that she was toking abt me.. haha.. den swee tin told me that we gotta hand in a letter to the jc in order to have gb as external cca... den i blur blur, emmaline blur blur.. so we went to look for mrs wee [when we dun have to..] everywhere... budden still cannot find her.. den the stoopid phone of the staff room not working lor.... all the phones.. so we gave up, went to the general office, no The Helm [they named it the Helm.... diao], to ask around.. den emmaline say she scared, dun dare to tok to vp... so i gotta tok lor............. haiyo..
so i went to the counter thingy, and started to ask the vp abt having ext cca.. den he say he go look for mrs wee lor.. den he walk away, den i look at emmaline.. den she got a shocked look... why? later den i tell you why.. lemme finish the story.. den the vp say that mrs wee isnt around [ i translated his words into "she disappeared into thin air" ].. so we okae lor, go out and look for her in the canteen..
so while we walked the looooong way to the canteen, she told me while she looked so shocked.. the truth was, i actually blushed while i was toking to the vp... now im the one being shocked.. haha.. i didnt know that i can actually blush... next time i gotta bring a mirror to see my blushing face.. haha.. den she tot i got a crush on the vp.... den i diao.
actually, it's cos he really reminds me of mr wee.. really. and yar, the only times when i either become Demure Eunice or Extra-Crazy Eunice is when i tok to MW.. and when i started to have "split personalities" [no lar, not the real thing], i tried veri hard to keep a calm surface.. honestly, after that my heart will beat super fast and the blood rush to my face lor.. somehow, that happens to me when i tok to older men.. men who are nearly twice my age and charming. budden i this time got improvement!!! i got look straight into the vp's eyes! last time i shy until dun even dare to look directly at MW lor.. aiyar, in the end i will still blush. haiz.... sad..
im thinking so much abt him, how!?
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