boy i would have thought that,
when you left me i'd be broken,
with my confidence gone,
so gone.
hey boy i would have thought that
when you said that you don't want me
i'd feel ugly and sensed something was wrong

standin' in front of the mirror
my skin's never been clearer
my smile's never been whiter

(chorus:)
i look so good without you
got me a new hair due
lookin' fresh and brand new
since you said that we were through
done with your lies
baby now my tears dry
you can see my brown eyes
ever since you said goodbye

i look so good
i look so good without you
i look so good
i look so good without you

hey i never would have thought that
when you left me
i'd feel sexy and so good in my skin again
and i never would have known that
i'd be dreaming so much better
without you in my head

standin' in front of the mirror
my clothes' never fit better
my laughs' never been louder

(repeat chorus)

i look so good
i look so good without you
i look so good i look so good without you

now baby my body's lookin' better than before
ain't biting my nails since you walked out of that door
i realize now i deserve so much more
than what you give
than what you give
than what you give ohhhh


(repeat chorus)

yes i fell down again.

i missed the last step of this flight of stairs. didnt see it. missed it. hit the back of my hips - got a blueblack developing. and i scraped my knuckles.

the wound on my knuckles look farking disgusting. and sometimes it smarts so much that i just wanna whine. but marc's overseas......cannot whine to him la. but he'll be back soon. AND THEN HE'LL FLY OFF AGAIN.

for the whole of oct, he'll be gg to:

beijing, china (business trip)
phuket, thailand (golf)
jakarta, indonesia (business trip)
sri lanka, india (business trip)
last stop = LAS VEGAS (business trip)

shitttttttttttt why must he go to LV during my exam period!? otherwise i would have tagged along for sure! by hook or by crook. BUT I KNOW, AIR TIX ARE DAMNED EX.

and now he's currently at beijing... his first time there!! and.......i gave him a tie just the nite before he flew off.......which was LAST NITE.

and he's wearing it for the presentation that he's supposed to be giving today!! that's sooooooooo sweet of him la :D hope his presentation was successful!!

and the previous nite, he said one of the sweetest thing again!! he told me that if smth bad or extremely impt happened to him on the morrow, the first person he'd seek to share his troubles, WOULD BE ME!!

anyway, maybe i'll be meeting ivy for some suntanning on tue!! I NEED A TAN. I LOOK LIKE A SICKLY WOMAN.

went to town with marina today... wahhhhhh, tiring.

took taxi down, split the fares 5-5 den we walked past tangs......towards lucky plaza den i said, "hey!! why not we visit the sex shop!!"

and so we did.

lotsa fascinating stuff. and marina's attracted to the massaging oil. OF ALL THINGS. oh and she likes the whips as well. i like the cuffs and all those. seems like bdsm is in our nature!! and we were suggesting to each other wad to get for sam. bwahahahaha.. funny.

and den we went over to taka! cos marina's agenda of bringing me to orchard, was to make me choose my bday present. first stop, tommy hilfiger. grudgingly chose this handbag which looks the most suitable out of all the other bags.. $169. apparently it was within acceptable range~ after that we walked here and there, but no bag really caught my eye....... until we reached the Guess store....... and i saw this rather nice handbag!! metal straps, multiple compartments, i can bring it out to jalan jalan, or to go on dates with marc!!! 179.90........ and marina said, nvm la! we will be sharing la!! so it will not be a problem.

den i was thinking, dammit den i better get a better present for marina. cos i've onli gotten her a necklace which is insignificant like a PEANUT as compared to the handbag la!! and den she spotted this small slingbag. AH HAH!! present-material.

BUT I DIDNT BRING MY ATM CARD.

sooooooooooooo..................... postpone the purchase.

but i took pics :D maybe can share with the gals... hehe

den walk walk walk walk.... to ion..... and we went to cotton on, bought a tank top (for ivy) and a pair of flip flops (marina's shoes were killing her)..... moved on to forever 21........... she bought a blue flowery chiffon top at $33 while i bought a black chiffon halter dress for $53!! that dress is veri veri veri veri nice........ especially after i wore it :D it has ruffles and looked rather decent.. but not THAT decent cos it does show cleavage. and it was screaming to me: "DONT WEAR BRA!! GO BRA-LESS!!!"

and so i did.

and dammit, that blardy dress can actually support my breasts!! but i know that i'll need to be adjusting them once in a while bcos it's not 100% "supportive" la :D but i just had to have it.

and i got it.

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! will wear it the next time i see marc.

and marc's got a cough! oh myyy... and we were chatting on the phone... seems like he's actually changed quite a lot for me. in terms of lifestyle.

but he was saying

"if it didn't get so complicated, we wouldn't be so close"

is that a gd or bad thing??

haiiiiiiii, i just wanna have the chance to celebrate my 21st bday with him alone. other bdays dun matter. and it dun really need to be on the actual day itself - even though i really really really wish it could be - it's the celebrating that matters.

let's just say that last year, it felt more like i didnt have a bday. not with my ex.

so this time, i wanna make it count. just this once. i wanna be happy for the entire time of my bday. and being happy, would include being with him.

today's lecture was traumatising initially. and that evil old woman with bladder problem, aka liching, was happily rubbing salt on the wound!! she was sooooooooo happy to see me so "tortured"

so was sam sia.

i never really looked at him the whooooooole morning. so liching would be my informant whenever he'd look at me. bleah.

so when it was breaktime and kiasu ppl like me went upstage to "steal" his ppt notes, he would purposely....carry his bag from the table to the seat rite next to me....walk off for a while....AND THEN COME BACK AND TAKE HIS BAG and put it back onto the table. riggggggggggggght beside me. but i act blind :D wahhhhhhhh, traumatising.

and at the end of the lecture, i was squatting down and packing my bag - i dun like to bend down and pack. so my back was facing the stage - and him. den i stood up, ready to go!! and liching said "hey hey!! he's right behind you and looking at you!!"

and i stupidly and instinctively turned my back and look straight at him. thank goodness i wasnt wearing my specs, so i couldnt meet his gaze :D warauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu~~

i look at him and i think abt our conversations. den i feel odd. den the headache came. arghhhh....


marccccccccccccccccc, help meeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

"
he's a terrible man.
there's no telling what he's thinking and he can't be satisfied with one woman.

AND YET HE'S KIND.
"

this is wad i read when i was gg thru one of my fav mangas.
and it feels so............close to my heart. it feels so true.

the pain is there. and yet you still love him for who he is. even if he can never be yours entirely, you're oredi veri contented. just to be with him, is satisfying enough.

hehehehehe, marc made passionfruit jam........... and i got a share!! a small jar of jam, but still~

you can say that he happened to have leftovers, and happened to have a spare jar, so he decided to lemme have it.

but still, he made it, packed it and drove all the way down to my house to pass it to me!!

and he got slightly injured from a barbecue incident last nite.... i dunno if i should laugh or cry la!!

he added ginger and peppermint into the jam... and the ginger's spiciness made the jam smell damn perky!! and when you taste it, the sweetness and sour taste lingers on your tongue, as well as the tingling taste left behind by the ginger. oooooooooooh, you can never find this jam outside!!

last thu, met Marc and his ex-gf Ivy!! not the first time that i've met her, and she has this great personality :D veri frenly and veri fun-loving :D

the two of them have known each other since he was 19 and serving the navy.. she was one of the officers - totally cool!!

she's literally the opposite of me - skinny, short hair and all those..

anyway, there were a couple of moments when marc and i would look at each other and burst out laughing bcos of her. why?

incident 1: once she was asking marc a question "are you sure they wont wheel clamp my car?"

but both of us heard nth but gibberish... so we looked at her with question marks and asked her to repeat herself.. and she did this amazing thing. she made amusing hand gestures as if she's communicating with the deaf and dumb while repeating her words slowly... all three of us laughed our heads off!!

incident 2: she was complaining about something that had been occurring these days... so she was talking and talking and the onli word i really heard was "nowsaday"

then marc and i looked at each other. cos just a few days ago, he was commenting about how singaporeans would say "nowsaday" instead of the correct "nowadays"...... and then we laughed a bit...... and ivy asked "huh wad happened??"

and we let her know the reason why we sniggered :D

and yes, marc has proven his point. there ARE singaporeans who say "nowsaday". FINE.

****

been having nightmares which revolve around marc though. it's so scary. it's always about him abandoning me!! but there was one dream where we went for a cruise together, happily :)

****

AND SAM CHATTED WITH ME AGAIN!! LAST NITE!! HE INITIATED THE CONVERSATION! but he just bitched abt classmates of mine and those la..... nth much. more like, i dun wanna rmb wad we chatted abt :D

i think i better give him a "name" over here..

let's call him Marc.

he's been real nice to me. not all the time la.... he will give me a good dressing down when i do deserve it.. but he's rather obliging, with a good temper. he's never really blown his top (until recently when i did smth he didnt like)

he does get pissed, but it'll bcos of work.. and he'll curse a lil.. and you dun really wanna be near him when he's getting pissed. he becomes a different person. different from the cheerful, encouraging, smiling Marc.

but i love every single side of him. he can dig his nose, pick his teeth, fart, burp. btw his fart really stinks.

and whenever he smiles, from the bottom of his heart, that smile is always so captivating. even his eyes smile.

and he's not only a lover. he's a teacher, a companion, a good fren. he shares his experiences and knowledge, lets me know wad lies beneath, tells me wad i should do under social situations, encourages me to be who i really am, and he is never shallow.

once, he sung a couple of songs which he learnt from Barney - the children's show, to me and he did it brilliantly! it was almost as if he was lulling me to sleep :D well i almost did fall asleep.

and now i have this one wish. one veri strong wish. that he'd be able to celebrate my bday with me. i dun need extrvagance. if we could go to an ulu place like jurong hill, or some place overlooking a nice night scenery, sit down together and have him sing a soft "happy birthday" song to me as i make my bday wish and blow off the flame. i'd be extremely contented and happy - cos he's celebrating my bday with me.

every moment spent with him is precious to me. cos of his commitments and workload, he wont be there 24/7. and everytime he comes out with me, he's sacrificing at least one commitment. and that he would have to make compensations after that. that's why i treasure the time spent with him. and i make it a point that he is able to fully enjoy and relax when he is with me.

but apparently, i failed to do so when i brought him for that dinner. that upset me a lot.

i dun want to be his burden, neither do i want to weigh him down. but in the process, my burdens never left my shoulders. and dammit my neck is aching like HELL. haha.... i need a real good and strong neck massage.

so now, my one and onli wish: to quietly celebrate my bday with him (and of course with my close frens la, but separately la)

Macy Gray - I Try

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I belive that fate has brought us here
And we should be together babe
But we're not
I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
And I'll try to keep my cool, but I'm feenin'

I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not here
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not here

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
And I may seem all right and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
Just a front, hey
I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
And I'll try to keep my cool, but I'm feenin'

I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not here
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not here

Here is my confession
May I be your possession
Boy, I need your touch
Your love, kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
Deny

I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
(but I'm dreaming of you babe)
And I'll keep my cool, but I'm feenin'

I try to say goodbye and I choke (yeah)
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
(when you are not near aahh)
Goodbye and I choke (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I try to walk away and I stumble (hey, hey, hey)
Though I try to hide it, it's clear (say it Lord)
My world crumbles when you are not here

Goodbye and I choke (I'm choking)
I try to walk away and I stumbe
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
(when you are not near, yeah, yeah yeah)
Yeah, yeah..

i dunno why.

but im starting to feel tired.

the tears are starting to well up in my eyes and yet i dunno why they're there.

i dunno why i feel so drained.

i dunno why i feel like i could give up the world to have some peace.

some peace away from life, from him, from everybody.

i just wanna be with myself.

i need some quietness.

and im gg to lose my grandmother. and all i can feel is that distant feeling that i AM losing a relative and yet im onli feeling guilty that im not getting upset enough.

i feel like i've lost my purpose in life.

and i wonder why and how i actually feel this way.

being online last nite was amazing :D

chatted with uncle sam again!! haha, no la.. it's my econs lecturer, sam lee. apparently he has a lot of frustration within him when it comes to my class :D so the cheena auntie in our class failed her test paper (the one which i got HD) and accused him of being prejudiced against her, hence giving her the failing grade.

but the problem was, he wasnt the one who awarded the marks! it was bruce himself! wahahahahahahahahahahahaha~

and so i told him that i got 17/20 - literally shouted the news to him online..

sam comes online.
me: "hey!! i got 17!!"
him: "wow"

haha :D and he was saying that it wasnt so bad, now that he knows that there are "FUNNY" students like me around... im like gg, "funny in a gd way or bad way?"

and he was asking me which jc i came from and that i was smart (bcos i got a mere 17/20).. then chat chat chat, wah got super out of point. and suddenly we diverted rite into work - TWO-PART TARIFF. wahhhhh, i got super blur la.. think he explained until cannot tahan oso :)

chunk fest rocked.

as in, it ROCKED.

the sun sucked. but the pple there totally made it feel insignificant. the heat was killing me, but i didnt regret gg down AT ALL!

most of the bands kinda lacked lustre... one of them was a lil........naggy? it was a duo and one of them kept talking and talking and talking in his monotonous voice.......one of the audience said, "ya ya shuddup and sing la"

but their songs were okae... has a rhythm and the words are identifiable.

another band was a mediocre imitation of linkin park. the ahmad version, i shall say.. but they totally sucked at doing their job. yea they were rapping but it was like..........nonsensical babbling. another guy was literally tone-deaf and he couldnt sing at all!! i felt so tortured, my brain shutted off those "noise" and i switched attention here and there. so when they finished their stint, i didnt even realise it!!

and the supposedly last band which was to close the whole event, they totally rocked!! and they were old!! haha :D but the songs rocked, the singers rocked and the weather was a lot better by than :D CANT WAIT FOR THE BAKERLOO LINE TO RELEASE THEIR ALBUM!! but now they're at a standstill bcos of work and the chunk fest itself....... so it'll take a loooooong time :(

might be gg to port dickson at the end of this year.. for a wedding event :D with HIM. so exciting!! hope that i CAN go~

and for today.................went to orchard plaza and explored the bars and pubs there!! blue bananas was the first one......all the filipino maids in singapore were squeezed in there sia!!!! so the two of us were like, super surprised with our mouths left agape. and the pple there were quite wild! and pushy as well.

next was the queens.. a lot better :D still dominated by pinoys, but better quality la.. no maids :D and there were the bartop dancers who were HOT. as in damnnnnnned hot. the legs were beautiful and muscular. didnt really care abt the upper part of the body cos they were too high up :D

third one we were to was called "naughty girls" BUT IT TOTALLY SUCKED. the so-called pole dancers looked like shit compared to Queens. wad's with dancing such provocative stuff in t-shirt and ill-fitting jeans, and acting sexy when you're totally not! and they totally dunno how to DANCE!! but somehow, there were more angmos there :( and quite a number of cute hunks :D

fourth one....forgot the name. but customers there were like.....you could count with your two hands and there's still spare fingers la... gals not that awesome as Queens, but a lot better than NG!!

see!? even the name of THAT bar can be interpreted as Not Good.

after that we went back to queens :D but i was feeling sleepy and yawned into his face! woops. so we were to grab a bite at a thai restaurant....food is alrite, but the table of pple in front of mine, totally didnt know wad was courtesy. dun wanna talk abt it, veri tired :D

then he dropped me off at csc, and waited for me to say hi to the pple there and all those... he waited for almost an hour la!!! so apologetic :(

after that we went to somewhere nearby :D

after that he dropped me at my car park... but i didnt want to go!! so i dilly dally-ed :D haha.... but in the end, i still got off la :D with a balloon i "stole" from the bday dinner!! haha... it's floating at my bedroom's ceiling rite now :D

yesterday (gave tuition to 3 kids, from 9.30am to 2pm without rest, den travelled down to marina barrage) and today, totally sapped my energy.

im dead and gone.

yeah, the test one results for price theory are finally out.

we took it like.....2 mths ago? so every month i would turn to ching and ask, are the results out yet? and she would say NO.

couldnt take it anymore. checked the sim portal. double checked. triple checked. still no results, no nth.

den talked to sam lee, he himself was surprised that the results werent out yet.

desperate, i emailed the programme coordinator - kailing.. well she replied that the results HAD oredi been posted. but it obviously WAS NOT.

so i acted blur and asked, i think i've been looking at the wrong place - can i know where to check the results?

half an hour later, the results got posted onto the sim portal.

SEE?! apparently they forgot to post, thinking that they had done so!!

#$%$^@#$@#$

and i look at the results. i banged the table and went "KNS!! how can i have this kind of grade?!"

17/20

i totally hate the number 17.

it's a farking low High Distinction la.

den i told him that the results were out and he asked "so you got your distinction?" i replied, "yea, a low High Distinction"

den he countered, "why? is there high High Distinction or low High Distinction on your cert? wad's with the low/high thing??"

it's a HD. but not HD "enough" la...... where did the 3 marks go to!? i seriously wanna take a look at my paper. i was super confident that i would get full marks la!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

so i msg-ed the gals, results are out - im damned disappointed..

apparently it scared the shit out of marina cos she actually called me to ask wad happened and all those... cos if i said smth so demoralising, her results would have come out a lot worse.. COS that time, after the test - i was looking super confident and happy while she was mulling over her mistakes and all those..

but thank god she got a Credit :D so did liching... nisa got a Distinction!! wow!! nisa finally overtook ching!! haha......

anyway, the talk with sam lee last nite was cool :D told HIM about it as well.. complained abt the petition and the background story.. so HE was saying, "how can such a thing happen???" implying the question: how come my classmates are so terrible.

and today was a rather happy day. no tuition, met him - went to marina barrage for him to recee, go shopping at bugis junction (finally got him a decent pair of jeans which actually made him look a lot better than his old old old jeans), eat sakae sushi, drink frozen margarita at caesars (i was checked out by the butch bartender, and he was checked out by the waitresses over at the pub), met frens and had a grrrrrrrrrrrreat time :D and he realised that all the jokes he's cracked with me, didnt really make me laugh... cos his jokes are all so deadpan!!!! as in, the jokes are "too intellectual" to actually laugh and get silly over it. or just TOO LAME. like when we walked past Ah Chew Desserts shop, and he said "i dun like this shop, all their desserts taste like snot."

i got the joke almost immediately......but i didnt laugh. i oso dunno why.. but i just didnt.. and while we were arguing abt how funny his jokes were, two south americans came out of macdonald's......took a good look at me and the second guy went "PHEW!"

immediately after that, the two of us broke out laughing.. and i told him that the feeling of getting checked out was weird... happy-weird, not bad-weird :D

yea yea, he's built up my self-confidence A LOT. and when i told him that i added sam lee on msn to encourage him, that not all rmit students are as dumbass, HE said "wah, you're learning after me la.....teaching pple how to gain self-confidence."

den i was "YA RITE" haha




wah, damn tired. i go sleep now. gdnite.

shucks. i think i flirted with the lecturer online.

i need to tone my online persona down.

hmmmm, so wad was i doing for the whole of friday?

first, business finance test. i was done with it within 20min, was gonna flip over to a "next page" when i realised that i have completed the paper... so i accidentally let out a yelp cos i was kinda surprised.. heh

after that, wanted to skip the remaining of the lecture, but HE dissuaded me, saying that i could let a person take my life, take my assets, that person can take anything but NOT my education. so i stayed for lecture, which was actually quite informative!! actually, daniel tan's lectures are always informative.

den we went off to st regis to meet edmund!! and it was suuuuuuuuuper cool. cos edmund was actually from fairfield as well!!! fairfield pri AND sec!!! and he was the first batch of boy students la!! so at st regis, we had the so-called cheap champagne (it costs a lot to me la.....but seems like edmund finds it cheap) and some food and fruits :D and it seems like i attract the "wrong guys"... cos edmund actually asked if he could date me!! and ermmmmmmm, he's as old as HIM and my sis. the two of them smoke, so whenever they took smoking breaks, i would be reading my Business Times :D and when they came back, edmund actually petted my head and told me to "stop reading oredi la" which actually made me feel like some kid being chided by an adult~ but feels good :D cos the action of it is veri endearing and makes me feel............somewhat treasured.

did i mention that edmund got a degree from milan? sorry i forgot.

did i oso mention that he drives a Porsche Cayenne?? and that he actually bidded for the licence plate no.? apparently i didnt :D

did i forget to mention that he owns a golf membership at the SICC? no i didnt.

wah, wad an achiever. i oso wanna be like him. being able to run two companies.

after meeting edmund, we den went to timbre!!

after the dinner at timbre.. we moved on to fetching wayne at centrepoint. and wayne was drunk drunk drunk!! couldnt walk in a straight line, wasnt veri smooth when entering the car.. and he didnt even know that i was there!!

so after he had finished going on and on about wad happened with him, and finally quietened down, i quickly cut in and said "hi wayne."

and he was super shocked/surprised! which was damn funny la!! he turned around violently to see who was behind him with that straight face and burst out laughing while saying "you could have cut my throat (and i wouldnt have known)"

damn i love that part. super farnie :D

i like wayne, he's quite a nice guy.. love it when he smiles as well, cos everything on his face would crinkle up and his eyes would sparkle.. which looks veri endearing :D his daughter got married a few weeks ago at the States, and he got kicked outta his house a few days back. and so he went to stay over at HIS place and cooked for the family last nite.

i was sooooooooooo jealous la!! how often can it be that a michelin chef cooks for you, with no service charges!? so he was gg on and on abt wad wayne prepared for the barbeque, yes barbecue...... and all i had was my mama's fried rice... which is actually quite nice after she stopped using the chilli paste :D hope she'll stop using the tomatoes as well :D

the great pretender




The Great Pretender-The Platters(1956)
(Buck Ram)

Oh-oh, yes I'm the great pretender
Pretending that I'm doing well
My need is such I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no one can tell

Oh-oh, yes I'm the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
I've played the game but to my real shame
You've left me to grieve all alone

Too real is this feeling of make-believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal

Yes, I'm the great pretender
Just laughin' and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I'm not, you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around

Too real is this feeling of make-believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal

Yes, I'm the great pretender
Just laughin' and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I'm not, you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around

somehow, this song will never bore me. maybe cos it applies to me. cos i might have always been the great pretender. being a pretentious eunice, instead of being my sorry self. have i always been a great pretender?

there are times when i feel like, he's my best-est best-est best-est fren i can ever have... i can really share my troubles with him, and he would listen and give advice that makes sense.. and he bitches with me :D and........he is almost completely honest with me, nth much to hide from me... besides the times when he's obviously over-flattering me la.

recently, he's more like a galfren than a boyfren :D

brought him to meet my s13 frens.....unfortunately they didnt click, maybe bcos of his ethnic and his age and his status..... they're like worlds apart.

but both dean and amelia were like angels!!! esp amelia :D thanks for being so friendly with him....i love you!!!

szeyin was oso rather friendly :D

but the rest...........hai.