muahaha

that manure got 17! i won him!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

ahahahahahah....!!! i got 15!!!! i improved by 6 points!!!! ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! maybe i can go to jjc le........... or maybe i'll stay in ijc.. depends lar... hahax... now so happy until im so tired.. tok next time..... too happy to stay here le.. hahax.. gotta go find out elin's... was too blur to find out just now... haha.. evan got 17, huiyi got 13, ck got 16, lp got 17, jasmine either got 18 or 19, emmaline got 19, lydia got 15, timo i heard he got 20, darren i heard [oso] got 9.. wah!! 9 leh!!!!!! now many pple wondering why he went overseas to study when he got such fantastic results.. haha..oh yar, cor oso got 13.. anybody i forgot to mention, tell me.. until now, i do not know my cousin's results.. i dun wanna know and i wanna know.. ironic hor.. hahax..

scared as hell

pple now say: yar yar, it's nth.. why be so scared?

hey, it's my future okae.. dammit, i have to go to jc.. i cant afford to go to other places.. poly can suck my blood, i really dun wanna think of going ite [dun want my mother to look down on me anymore], and i dun have the bloody money to go overseas to study.. it costs 20k to go to melbourne to study leh.. ah!! and i must study.. going out to work now is kinda a waste of my youth.. kinda..

great, in the morning, i tot that maybe tuning to perfect 10 and listening to the songs will be able to calm my nerves.. but guess wad? daniel ong's first sentence of my day is "... the release of the BIG OOOOOOOssssss...." you know how that freaked me out!? i almost cried from panic.. silly me.. but i did have a nice sleep; no waking up in betweens, no tossing and turning, nothing.. and when i wake up, i moaned so loud that i wanna go back to sleep and never wake up again.. sometimes i cannot tahan tension.. haiz..

now im reporting all my emotions BEFORE the release.. let's see if i have the mood to come back on AFTER the release.. if i dun, you should know that i scored BADLY.. *yawns..*

i have changed, again

yar, i really feel different ever since thur.. besides feeling tired lar.. i feel happier.. somehow.. i feel that i have lighter load...it's like, ever since the night darren made me feel so girly when he asked me to kiss him when he comes back.. really, i really felt girly.. but happy.. cos no guys, NO guys ever said such things to me before.. haha.. if he was joking, i wouldnt mind.. cos hey, he's oredi veri good to tok to me le.. to me, all guys who tok to me are good guys.. haha.. besides that manure.. he's the worst case of hypocrisy, ugliness and deformity.. if i were a blonde, i would have tot him as the spawn of the devil.. okae, back to subject..

somehow, darren has made my days seem not as dark as it once had.. cos maybe he experienced such inferiority and darkness before, maybe bcos he had oredi known my dark secrets, i feel that i have nothing much to hide from him.. maybe, many things.. jun ming did create similar uplifting feelings in me before... but it was in primary skool, when i have not experienced depression before.. jun ming will always remind me of the times i truly adored and worshipped domestic animals, esp cats.. he'll ALWAYS remind me of the happy times in primary skool... and honestly, i had never experienced such pure, undiluted happiness that extends for more than a week in secondary skool.. [okae, who can?]

if i can refer this two guys with emotions, lor mee will be kinda represent love, and darren quite represents lust and temptations.. im truly honest; you wont want to know wad darren really likes toking abt online.. but you would have guessed it.. so i no need to say..

i really gotta go... bye bye!!!

God's seed for me

heyhey, i finally found the seed.. do not think sideways..

God's seed for me

i asked for love,

but God gave me pain;

so that i can trasure those who care for me

i wanted happiness,

but God offered me sadness;

to allow me to inderstand why and how people suffered

i requested for everlasting friendship,

but God gave me heartless friends;

so as to let me appreciate the friends i though i never had

i prayed for achievements for pride,

but God presented me resentment from the others when i fail myself;

in order to make me understand how heavy the word "defeat" can be, and to make me see that it takes time and effort to accomplish

i tried asking for fruits,

but God put seeds into my open hands;

so that i can be proud of my fruit tree.

tada! abit long, but how smooth-flowing a poem do you expect from a geeky sec 2 gal???

soon, i'll write God's tree for me. soon.

tiring sia

yes, waiting is tiring.. waiting for O level results is tiring AND irritating AND scary.. and i am sooooooooo damn tired from today.. from ijc, i went all the way to fmss.. den over there, i walked and walked..... yes, there's time to sit, but not much.. tired ah..................................... gtg le... bye bye!!

dreams, again and again

heyhey.. juz wanna report that i dream of elin coming all the way back from melbourne to singapore for chinese new year... and she found me, not i find her.. we were so happy together, that's all i can say now.. i miss her so much.. luckily, darren brightens my days without elin.. he updates me abt wad's happening in melbourne and in his brain.. hahax.. wah, too tired to type anymore.. maybe next time.. oh yar, the "God's seed for me'' poem is still not found.. cos my limbs are not listening to me anymore.. like a zombie le..

behaving like wad others do

heyhey.. on blogs, i noticed.. pple mostly tok abt wad activities they encountered for the day.. and so, maybe i should try reporting my day to you, bloggie..

today, i came to skool with weien [as usual].. my class got 16 pple report to skool, quite an improvement le.. yesterday only got nine, i think.. pe we played rugby.... man, i didnt know it'll be THAT dangerous.. got slammed at the nose twice by that same ball, den during one of the gals' catfight, i kana "piak" on the face.. think my nose got flatter.. but hey, it was soooo fun.. budden i got serious condition of butter fingers today, ball always slipping out of my hands, den i oso veri blur, always when the ball end up with me then my group cannot score le.. haha.. but teacher got say my group played well at the end, dunnoe wad "only wad those at the advanced level will play..".. it was a compliment........ cos our passing of the ball suddenly improved.. suddenly.. my group got two blur queens, one blur but alert queen, and one dun-wanna-take-the-ball-budden-no-choice queen.. haha.. and we actually won.. haha, by one ball.. 1-0

den after pe got maths tutorial.. sian like anything.. so i dun wanna tok abt it..

after maths tutorial was civics tutorial aka class contact time.. teacher suddenly entered with a birthday cake in hand... cos got one of the gals' birthday is this coming thursday, budden he scared we no chance to celebrate.. he got the mocha chocolate cake... veri nice......... and the class had a cake fight.... i only watched.. cos sometimes, watching is more fun den being involved in it.. the gals fight from classroom to the toilet.. cos they had to go to the toilet to wash their faces.. budden the cakes followed us into the toilet with fingers... so there was another cake fight after the brief ones in the classroom and along the corridor.. so the toilet floor had its fill since cake was everywhere.. the teacher oso kana.. poor thing.. oh yar, the teacher gave me the first slice of cake he got hold of.. so sweet ah? budden too bad, ms tay got suitors le.. or else can really intro him to her.. haha.. let's not tok abt height.. he's the next down-to-earth teacher besides ms tay... he same age as my sis, but abit older, his bdae on june 23.. my sis on april 16.. how i know? he tell us one lor..

after civics was physics.. the physics lecture was quite scary.. got those stupid group of guys [including manure] keep chatting behind me.. so got a teacher veri pissed.. so pissed until he suddenly sit beside them.. budden they still tok.. so he scolded them.. muahahahaha..

after physics lecture was lunch break.. aiyar, sian lar.. dun wanna tok abt it..

actually, i dun feel like toking abt wad happened today.. veri tired..

btw, like my poem?

wad i never tot i will write

heyheyhey..

here's a poem i suddenly tot of to continue a poem i wrote in sec 3.. the previous poem was "God's seed for me", budden i forgot where i left it.. so maybe i'll post it up later, much later..

God's plant for me

God brought me betrayal,

so that i could learn how to trust

He led me to making mistakes,

so that i will learn not to be stubborn at times

God brought along pain,

so that i may learn how to heal others' broken hearts

He let me face rejection,

so that i am able to treasure the pple who accepted me

God presented me with ordeals,

so that i will know how to live life to the fullest

mutants

yes, there are mutants..

there is one mutated combination of timo, chong yong[eew], eugene[lecher].. and man, he's ugly like hell.. cant find other phrases to describe that manure.. his voice is whiny and irritating... almost sound like chong yong.. okae lar, 60 % chong yong, 20% timo and 20% eugene.. IRRITATING like shit.. aiyar, i now too tired to describe more abt this manure.. really veri tired.. slept at one am after watching Waterboys on channel 56.. woke up at 5.55am.... den no chance to sleep after that... got too engrossed in reading "almost heaven" by judith mcnaught.. budden the intro of that book abit boring, that's all.. so boring that i couldnt catch up.. hahax.. okae, i really gtg le.. sleep sweet..

dreams, again

heyhey, wah.... today shiok ar.. slept at around 1.30 am last night... den i woke up almost twelve hours later.. never slept that long before.. and i had two dreams, i think.. i remember vaguely that my first dream was about me visiting pple.. that first dream is kinda the part II of a previous dream.. the previous dream had a house on the verge of collapsing.. so now, when i go back, it's all renovated and the owner of the house was so happy that he was whistling.. besides that, i cant really remember wad happened in the first dream.. the second dream was more clear and distinct.. i went back to my tuition centre.. guess i missed it so much that i went back to it in my dreams.. hahax.. okae, when i got back, my mouth remained agape for a couple of seconds.. cos it looked so much brighter and cosier.. they repainted the walls, together with some cute patterns.. and the tables are no longer in the dull white colour.. some tables were painted yellow, orange.. everybody looked quite happy.. my amaths tutor, alvin, had helped out in the painting.. aiyar, he's kinda the handyman in the tuition centre, since he's the only guy amongst the staff.. haha.. kana bullied.. he got complain to my class before.. everybody really looked happy, but alvin wasnt really notice that im there.. so i mumbled to myself that he's ignoring me.. somehow, he heard my mummerings clearly and didnt hear my conversations with his boss.. so he kinda apologised to me and all those..

okae, enough abt dreams..

everyday, ever since valentine's day, i've been thinking of darren, only abt darren.. yar, there mr wee, but he's fading.. and i feel so confused now.. i dunnoe wad is happening to me, why i have so many questions regarding darren unanswered, i dunnoe why i have the urge to always go online to tok to darren, and elin hasnt been online for quite a while, so i have two urges to go online.. and yesterday, i did tok to darren, he wasnt angry with me.. come to think of it, im over-reacting.. hahax.. and when he went for his dinner [at the time i havent even had my lunch], we said " i love you" to each other.. i guess he was joking.. but me, i dunnoe whether im joking or for real.. but i was more like joking at that time.. only after he left then i started thinking.. aiyar, im just thinking too much lar hor? just that he's the first guy to actually tok to me so much abt things that im so afraid of discussing with my other frens, so i just have odd feelings. that's all , i hope.

maybe i know my feelings for him, but i wanna be sure, and that im afraid that wad i think im feeling is real.. im vexed..

how? you ever experienced this before? you ever felt your heart at your throat and that your stomach seems to be churning when you tok to a guy, and that you seem to have limited vocabulary when you tok to him, like usually you have a steady flow of vocab, budden suddenly they just dun come out when you tok to him? i have that feelings for two guys oredi.. mr wee [in real person, face-to-face] and darren [the online darren].. im shameless.. haiz.. that's eunice in affairs of the heart..

and if i ever feel such odd feelings for a gal, shoot me with a gun.. i dun wanna be a lesbian..

have the experience in sec 2 really changed me?

yes, i honestly feel that i have changed since that period.

if i didnt experience that trial, i wouldnt have been so negative abt things, so afraid of rejection, of getting betrayed over and over again, of having my heart broken all over again..

if i had, i wouldnt have known who are those who really cared abt me, who really was ready to stand by me, who were there to let me know that in the darkness, there'll be a glimmer of hope that will lead me out of the pain.. but i realised that too late.. so late that i've almost lost all my frens.. and now, i cant afford to have regrets.. cos it's all over.. time wont allow me to turn back, no matter how hard i pray.. so now, i really dunnoe wad to do to strengthen my relationship with the pple i have now.. i honestly dont..

that time when elin was abt to fly to melbourne, she cried on my shoulders.. i wanted so much to tell her that we will one day meet again, that we will always be best of frens, that it never mean the end of our relationship, that we can always keep in contact via email... but i didnt... i could only reach out to her and pat her head.. cos in my heart too, i was aching so much.. i couldnt even bear the tot of her leaving my side.. but i wouldnt cry when she was looking.. i dun want her to worry too much abt me since she knows abt my situation and i know that if i cry, she'll cry more.. i really wish that she went with a peace of mind.. and i want so much to believe in wad i wanted to say, but i myself cant.. i can only cry more.. cos the future is unpredictable.. i am so afraid that we would slowly break off like wad i am so afraid of.. i dunnoe when i can see her again.. i dun even know when i can even hear her again.. one year is not considered long, nor is it short.. so wad abt five years? six years? i know that maybe she'll be back during the summer vacations in december.. but look at me now, it's only feb and i am oredi in so much suffering.. well, kinda.. when she went past those glass doors, i finally cried.. at home, for the next few weeks, when i was alone to myself, i cried my heart out.. haiz.. am still crying.. now that im typing.. im crying.. never felt that sad over a gal before.. maybe cos i am only on the earth for 17 years only..

no, i am no lesbian.. yet.. im starting to detest all guys.. and some gals..

i dunnoe i dunnoe i dunnoe

really i dunnoe.
i dunnoe why darren seems to be ignoring me. or maybe im over-reacting.
you see, we were toking when he suddenly went offline. he den came back online and told me that he found it "fun" to get online and offline again and again. so i told him that i will not play this "game" with others since i find it rude. yar, i was kinda pms-ing.. i admit.. so, while i was trying to explain why i seemed to be having a bad mood, the damn com signed me out. that time, i think i was swearing under my breath. i got back online and found him offline. i looked at the time and at melbourne, it was quite late and they have skool the next day.. so i tot that he went to sleep.. the next day, i tried to tok to him. i said hi, and he didnt respond.. he signed out.. then he signed in again.. i got kinda pissed off by his "rudeness" and then promised myself never to take the initiative to tok to him ever again.. [if i ever broke this promise, pls understand that gals do have the right to break promises they make] but for that day and the previous days after valentine's day, i kept thinking of wad conversation we had exchanged and argh! his face and voice.. no, i cant afford to have another crush. I CANT. I WILL BREAK DOWN. or maybe i'll crash this laptop.

yar, i am kinda uptight abt this. maybe cos i dun wanna lose a fren. i treasure all frenships. maybe cos he's the only guy whom i can be soooooo open with and i dun wanna lose this guy whom i can be so frank with. yar, there's jun ming, but he's one of my closest fren and i let him know everything, besides my darkest secrets [i dun wanna change wad opinion he has towards me] .. i let darren know my darkest secret and that's all.. he doesnt know abt me having depression all those, i suppose.. ah yar, he only got to know my crush on mr wee thru elin.. gotta ask elin how many pple she actually disclosed my secret to without my permission.. man i trusted her so much that i tot she wont tell anyone. my infatuation for mr wee is not a joke. nor is it a good topic for gossiping. so now, im wishing that darren does not act like wad elin did last time..

aiyar, stomachache. lost my train of tots.. bye bye..

haiz

i've got so many things to say, with so few fingers and energy running low..... ah! with bad memory..

lemme recall..

oh yes...

you know how much i love animals..
juz now, when i was walking home.. you know that under those humongous mrt things with pillars holding them yar? then there are those holes for the expansion and contraction of the tracks caused by heat yar? and birds, esp mynahs, love having nests there yar? so.. i was walking down those sandy tracks at the bottom which reminds me so much of the soccer field in fairfield.. den i saw wad looked like an old piece of black cloth, veri sandy, could almost get buried solely by the sand.. i walked closer.. and i looked at it real hard. it was a baby mynah. it was so flattened that i guess i could use it as frisbee.. it was so small.. and it was oredi developing wings and feathers.. i could see the head and those huge closed eyes.. the wings told me its species.. black on the outside, with a strip of white at the inside.. i dun think i wanna describe it any further le...

preservation

qoutes from akisa:

" the miniature portrait of nicholas came to light, as rich and bright as the day it had been painted. nicholas, she whispered and put her fingertips on the painting. oh, nicholas, have i truly lost you so completely? are you gone forever?
she looked at the miniature, touched it, and when she turned it over, she saw something engraved on the back. she held it to the light to read it.

time has no meaning

love will endure

he had signed it with an N, a D over the top of it.

she leaned her head against the old stone wall and blinked away tears. nicholas, come back to me, she whispered. please come back to me."

" my soul will find yours, nicholas had written. souls, not bodies, but souls."

my heart just broke after reading these.

question

heyhey.. i got a question now..

in 2002, i was an outcast and i was in depression.
i was so distressed that i lost the right mind and wrote to ms ngoh instead of mrs peng abt my predicament. den, she told mrs peng abt it. the prob was kinda solved.
but, ck said that he secretly told ms ngoh abt my predicament and that was how the prob was noticed. i was bewildered.
now, lydia told me that she was the one who told ms ngoh.
now, i am fed-up.. it could be all three of us told poor ms ngoh.. and that
she only really cared abt it after either my distress letter, ck's appeal, or lydia's concern..

gotta clarify with ms ngoh? no. i trust my frens now that they tell me nth but the truth.

a knight in shining armour

i loooooooooove this book so much that i wanna keep the best part in here, in my blog BEFORE i return the library book to where it belongs.. tot of tearing off those pages which contained the scenes i love most, but hey! wad abt the other jude deveraux fans!? haha.. see, i so "kind".. haha...

lemme summarize the story which i so didnt want you to know at first..

modern girl gets abandoned in the middle of nowhere by the scrooge. she got so upset she wished for a knight in shining armour while crying on a guy's tombstone.. that particular dead guy then suddenly appeared in front of her and became her knight in shining armour. he is alive mainly bcos she kinda summoned him days before he got executed by queen elizabeth.. yes, he is handsome, she is beautiful.. so they were forced to solve the problem of sending him back and also find a way for him to escape the execution.. predictably, they fell in love.. soon, he goes back to his time and got executed. BUT, not end of story yet.
she got depressed, looked for anything that showed that he once came into her life, but nooooo, everything he touched became untouched, everything he used was unused. so she went back to that tomb and wished again. this time, to go to his time. so she did. she went to the time he kinda knew that she dun exist. but he had vague memories of them being together in her time. he oso remembered loving her. so, he trusted her that they will thoroughly avoid getting him into the trouble of being executed. luckily, they avoided anybody who would have betrayed him. so yar, when they made love the second time [after the first time in her time, he vanished. so the girl didnt dare do it again with him cos she dun wanna go back.. but hey, she loved him], she went back. she went to check up whether he escaped the trial and yes he did. he died 35 years later than he was supposed to.. she was happy, only for a while. she got super depressed again. oh yar, that scrooge then wanted her back. but no way, since she got cleverer. when she was on the way back home, she met a guy who looked so much like her love. she got more depressed. but, that guy showed her something. he showed her the portrait her love painted for her 400 years ago.. she finally understood when at the back of the portrait read, "my soul will find yours".. man, she was happy all over again that he came back to her. man, i cried when i read that part.

now, you do not need to read the book le. i told you the entire story..

and yar, since valentine's night, i have been toking to darren.. man, i was sooooooooooo open to him until i was suspecting that i am having a crush on him all over again.. sorry gals, but i told him my darkest secret, since he told me his.. kinda traded.. hint: i felt that i was toking to men in those msn chatrooms in the past.. guess..

have i changed?

honest.. have i changed? for the better or the worse? or both? i feel that i've become more bitter than the past....... wad else? i really need to know... i must know.. cos to me, rite now, many have oredi changed so much.... in a fortnight, lydia no longer was my close fren, she became a stranger.. jasmine yip changed into a flirtatious bitch.. so many things happened within the few years i have been in fmss.. too many which i cant comprehend.. when the world turned against me since sec 2..

bored

hey pple.... [if there are pple]

i now veri bored.. feeling that im leading an aimless life..... cant help but think of elin, mr wee, lorraine, huiyi, junming, leepeng, jasmine, lydia[?], eugenia's jokes, chunkuan's tactics of bullying emmaline, many many... everytime im out, i try my very best to look out for anybody from fairfield... but i always get disappointed.. on the car, i try to look into every car i pass by to see if mr wee's the one driving it.. or maybe a taxi... or his bicycle? nah..

even though i've no seen most of my frens for months, i can remember their faces, [which is kinda a miracle provided by bad memory.. ] i miss everybody so very much, so much that i can cry anytime at any song that reminds me of the time spent in learning@fairfield when studying for prelims, of the happy times we've spent.. looking at photographs is a torture for me now.. now that i can only see them in flat pieces of paper, not in life-form.. i never expected to feel so painful whenever i see those smiling faces in the photographs.. they smile at me, and yet, i cry at them.. but sometimes, i can get myself to smile at the times when anyone of us makes a fool of ourselves.. after that my vision blurs and when i blink, tears come rolling down... im so tired.... of being so unhappy.... wad else can i do? fly to melbourne to accompany elin? go back to fairfield to study sec 4 again!? go to every place where my frens are working at rite now? wad can i do when everytime after skool, i am drained of any energy i used to have.. the walk from skool to mrt station may refresh me, but it is only that time when i ever felt peaceful, cos whenever i enter those mrt stations, i think of the time my phone got stolen.. now, i have a slight phobia towards crowds and mrt stations.. i no longer trust anyone.. i always make sure my valuables are always with me, no matter where i am [unless there's pe lesson].. i dun even there to fall asleep when outside.. everytime my eyes close from fatigue, my mind is still veri alert.. i no longer have the little sense of security i used to have in fairfield.. no more.. in crowds, i grab hold of my pockets and my bag until my knuckles go white.. i make myself so wary of anybody that comes close.. that feeling is tiring, but i cant help it.. i had lost my frens and my memory with the phone.. i cant afford to lose anymore things.. i cant.. im now clinging onto wad little i have now... pple can say that im over-sensitive.. but it's as if i can help it... after all the trauma, i cant help but keeping silent and withdraw myself from everybody..

aahhhhHHHHHHH.......!!!

arghhhhhhhhhhh....... my mother having her second relapse of menopause............................ sooooooooooooo irritating................................................ it's like she has never been concerned abt her daughters' feelings, esp me..... she only see her son as a trausre............. he has been the one lying......... he has been the one making her feel left out............ then why is she venting all her bloody frustrations on me!? im not her rubbish bin, dammit. everything she cannot eat finish then she throw everything into my plate... and she is telling me to not eat so much!? dunnoe wad she's thinking....... she got selective memory...... i thinking of mastering selective hearing oredi..... so tired..... mentally and physically. feel so much to curse at her face rite now....... but i know i will not feel this way in another 6 hours.. but now, i am very angry with her.

i must clear the air.

dammit

heyhey...

i mean it. dammit..

why does every guy i meet hate me that much? so wad if im fat. [*ouch* first time im publicly degrading myself]..

okae so wad's the bloody big deal with that!? in fmss, since sec 2, i have been the FBI in many eyes. now, im the "you-know-who"....... that white malaysian called me that in his blog, wah, veri hard to say mi name hor. bloody hell. dunnoe whether i should laugh or cry.... i have been working so hard, keeping quiet abt everything, keeping all the pain within myself... and there they are acting so machoistic and thinking that all fat pple are ugly, disgusting, smelly and stupid.. i hate this world.. i wanna go to heaven right now... or rather hell.. wo0ops, i forgot... am i not living in hell right now? i gave my love freely, and wad do i get? scorn and hatred. if there is a place where nobody cares abt each other's existence, i could have gone there immediately and screamed my lungs out. then, i will fling myself down a cliff. then may i be sent to hell.....

and see that many of those whom i know join me.

i know i sound evil. but the evil in me had been risen not by me, but by the world.

for your info

hey, sorry.. no more comments... juz changed my skin. no, i did not shed it.. i juz changed the blogskin to purposely strain each other's eyes.. and then sadly, cannot comment... so the only way of communication is msn or email le... sorry... want so much that comments could be included... haiz..

btw, do you think that the skin looks nice? if not, maybe i'll change it.. MAYBE..

cccrunch

heyhey, your eyes are not playing a trick on you lar... i really meant cccrunch.... cos got one singapore pop group named cccrush.. and i've got something to tok abt my crushes.

first, celebrate pple, im over darren; my feelings are ebbing away, finally!!!!!!!!! yay!!!! cos i kinda dun like the idea of thinking abt guys anymore!!!!!!!!!! no, im not a lesbian, yet...... maybe one day i will go for gals, but NOT now.

but...........

there's something..

i still cant get over mr wee.

memories of him haunt me. his face. his voice. his love for God. every morning devotion he had given in skool, i have never forgotten. everything.. now i see any guy who is short i'll think of him... hehe, i am NOT laughing at his height, but if you think so, then i am.. *snigger snigger*

wah, this morning during maths lecture, i was chanting to myself "stay awake" while having my visions getting more blur every minute.. then when the lecture was over, i was sooooo happy.. but the happiness was shortlived; had a bad headache IMMEDIATELY after i stood up to leave........ soooooooooo pain.............. ah........! muz be bcos of the lecturer; she went yakkity yak, in that irritating monotone tok..... it's like hypnotising me to sleep..... did i spell correctly? i hope i did.. heh heh..

nvm, gtg..... damn sleepy.

im a crybaby, and im not afraid to admit that

i am not afraid of being called a crybaby. cos i am one. almost everyday, i have been crying... almost..... broke my record le..... esp yesterday.. it was like yesterday morning, i cried three times in skool cos i was so damned worried abt elin being in that stupid freak storm in melbourne [dunnoe why i so worried, so dun ask me why..].. then later at night i cry again.. watched a show on E-city [cable channel].. the couple loved each other so much, and yet the gal refused to let her love for him surface juz bcos she felt that they dun fit each other.. in the end the guy A sunk into depression, the gal went to get married with guy B whom she will never love like the way she loved guy A..

this morning cry even worse...

i was so affected by the book written by jude deveraux,''knight in shining armour''.. i will never forget the book... N-E-V-E-R. and no way will i tell you wad is book abt, you go find it out yourself...... the only reason i think of why i cried so badly while reading this book, is that i know how it feels when somebody comes to you, and then you fall in love with him.. only to have him leave you... without a trace, until it's like he doesnt exist anymore, and that only you know that he was once there, there for you to love.... nobody else can understand how much this hurt only until one has met the love of his life and then lose her..forever.

getting overly-emotional nowadays....... God, wad is happening to me!!? why am i breaking down now?

dreams

last night, i dreamt of something happy, and that saddened me...

no, im not insane. i am still sane, for the time being..

i dreamt of elin and huiyi, of the skool.. of the time when we were still close frens... somehow lorraine wasnt in my dream, maybe cos i saw her juz last week..

we were in the skool at dover, having art class.... we were to sketch out one of our frens... i sketched huiyi, i think.. huiyi sketched a pic of me.. veri nice pic.. then we heard of a chinese test taking place at the end of the skool week.. and the day after the test, elin would be flying off to melbourne.. but huiyi and i werent really sad.. we were glad.... cos elin will probably have a better life over there.......

then i got woken up by the damn alarm clock..

oh Lord, i miss fairifield soooooooooooooooooo much...