yes, i honestly feel that i have changed since that period.
if i didnt experience that trial, i wouldnt have been so negative abt things, so afraid of rejection, of getting betrayed over and over again, of having my heart broken all over again..
if i had, i wouldnt have known who are those who really cared abt me, who really was ready to stand by me, who were there to let me know that in the darkness, there'll be a glimmer of hope that will lead me out of the pain.. but i realised that too late.. so late that i've almost lost all my frens.. and now, i cant afford to have regrets.. cos it's all over.. time wont allow me to turn back, no matter how hard i pray.. so now, i really dunnoe wad to do to strengthen my relationship with the pple i have now.. i honestly dont..
that time when elin was abt to fly to melbourne, she cried on my shoulders.. i wanted so much to tell her that we will one day meet again, that we will always be best of frens, that it never mean the end of our relationship, that we can always keep in contact via email... but i didnt... i could only reach out to her and pat her head.. cos in my heart too, i was aching so much.. i couldnt even bear the tot of her leaving my side.. but i wouldnt cry when she was looking.. i dun want her to worry too much abt me since she knows abt my situation and i know that if i cry, she'll cry more.. i really wish that she went with a peace of mind.. and i want so much to believe in wad i wanted to say, but i myself cant.. i can only cry more.. cos the future is unpredictable.. i am so afraid that we would slowly break off like wad i am so afraid of.. i dunnoe when i can see her again.. i dun even know when i can even hear her again.. one year is not considered long, nor is it short.. so wad abt five years? six years? i know that maybe she'll be back during the summer vacations in december.. but look at me now, it's only feb and i am oredi in so much suffering.. well, kinda.. when she went past those glass doors, i finally cried.. at home, for the next few weeks, when i was alone to myself, i cried my heart out.. haiz.. am still crying.. now that im typing.. im crying.. never felt that sad over a gal before.. maybe cos i am only on the earth for 17 years only..
no, i am no lesbian.. yet.. im starting to detest all guys.. and some gals..
