wad to do, Lord?

dear Lord,

i have so many questions to ask you. so many things to understand. i want to know, if it is alrite to point out pple's faults. i want to know, if it's alrite to tok behind ppl's back. i want to know, is it alrite to call pple "irritating" and such? is it alrite to dislike pple?? why do i feel a sense of injustice when pple around me complained abt someone who is lonely and seeks for attention?

haiz, actually, im toking abt wanru..
she's a classmate of mine.. she likes to complain and tok. she likes being around pple she trusts to be good frens. she has little frens. and this afternoon, the gals were toking abt her "sticking" to someone, abt her "bossiness". two of them even happily voiced their dislike towards her. one, is actually regretting being her fren. when i heard all these, i kept quiet. i felt veri disappointed in them. extremely disappointed. disappointed to the point that for a sec, i despised some of them. i cant seem to come up with any reasons to justify their mean-ness. maybe this happened to me many times that pple toked behind my back, so i will get real agitated abt it.. den i just keep drinking the soup, refusing to listen to wad they continued to say. and you know wad? they dun intend to let her know wad they think abt her, only reason is that they dunno how to put it thru. dammit. they dunno how to help wanru improve and instead, tok behind her back and tok abt all her bad things. "GREAT". just "great". to think that they are christians, they seem more like gossip-mongers to me now.

im gonna write to wanru concerning these. but i wont mention the "toking-behind-her-back" part. i dun want her to lose faith in pple whom she deemed as frens and i gotta get well first. having a fever now. everytime when i feel upset, i get fever and feel extrmely exhausted.

btw, i nowadays burying myself in romance novels. read julie garwood's Mercy and Rebellious Desire recently.. last time i read her Heartbreaker and Killjoy.. den for jude deveraux, i read Forever, Forever and always, Always and i am gonna go to Black Lyon. for judith mcnaught, im currently at Paradise, again. at the same time, im reading anne rice's Interview with a Vampire.

okae, gtg.

tata.

christian bale is hot. veri veri veri veri hot.

and im upset. veri veri veri veri upset.

haiz

my com now super lag.......... everything so slow.. and my father just keeps downloading something new whenever he switches on this laptop.. haiz.... and while i am typing this sentence, the com is still loading the page. haiz..

btw, seems like nobody will be wearing uniform. den i how? i dunno wad to wear, and i am going for the dinner too.. wad to wear?!? haiz....... gonna look look at my tiny tomboyish "wardrobe".. dunno wad to wear..... can wear jeans? i dun think can... and the only skirts i have are fairfield and pj skirt.. haha.. haiz, how????????

my mother irritating me again. she keep asking me things that i cannot answer.. keep asking me wad i gonna wear for the dinner. argh. i am angry. haha... im just sick.. got fever now and i sleep 4 hours a day... so i am easily irritable.. do not step on my tail. i will bite.

so take note:
1. do not bloody hell complain abt things around me when i am not complaining.
2. do not hit me to get my attention. i will grow to hate you for that. esp wanru and alvin. i have ears, for God's sake.
3. do not be a koala bear and stick around me. i am not a tree.
4. do not argue with me.
5. do not treat wad i have said as nonsense.
6. do not get me to explain my actions and words. i hate explaining simple things.

man, i miss MW so much. so much that i am so angry. and now, every guy in my class seems to be like lil boys.. dun ask me why. and some of the gals remind me of animals. next time i shall bring ear plugs to block off laughter and chatter for econs lecture.. maths lectures are okae, since the guys will be sitting behind me and sleeping.. so they will not be toking.. physics lecture.. i can only hope and pray that those whiny and sissy and"demure" b****** from s14 are faraway from my seat, away from earshot. sorry for vulgarities, but they are wad i have described them to be.

have to go and resume physics revision. bye.

christian bale is sooooo hot in my eyes, despite my bad disposition.

haiz.. here to destress.

hihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihiiihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihi...

i have been thinking of alot of things.. and now, the first thing is sheryl's attitude towards alvin. she's not veri happy with him and i can understand why.. his attitude towards work is kinda slack, he dun really agree with wad she said during meetings and that will offend ANYBODY who thinks that he/she had thought of an excellent idea.. i think i would have been pissed off by him if i were sheryl.. but luckily, i have learnt to control my temper, managed to keep things to myself, and i have spent all my life looking at both sides of the stories.. so i can understand with her attitude to alvin.. she is irritated by him. and she showed her unhappiness abt him several times.. erm, she had went "dun care abt him lar.. he's the one to kana", or something liddat..it's actually an "okae" statement.. but it came from sheryl's mouth.. she is not the type who dun care abt her frens' situation.. besides, she oredi stated that she dun like guys who pms, pointing at alvin who was isolating himself regularly from the class pple/ the gals/ the boys..

second, i am vexed by the founders' day dinner thingy... i want to go ver much.. but i am afraid that i will not look appropriate, my hair sucks, my face looked like a minefield, i look like a barrel and i will be wearing my pj uniform.. i shall get yh to wear uniform with me.. hahaha... and honestly, i dun wanna see kwe with her braces.. haiz, evil selfish me have prejudice towards her, im so sorry.. but i'll try to accomodate her like wad i have done in the first 3 months in ij.. actually, she can be nice when she isnt bossy and abit over-conscious abt her appearance..

and i have the money in my piggy bank.. so i can afford.. haiz.. budden i scared.. im scared of being out of place.. haiz.

i want so much to feast my eyes on him.. hehe. im not despo.. it's just that i most probably will never see him again, and i miss him just so much. and he's the host. haiz.. im vexed abt something so simple..

i shall go ask my mother abt it when she does not feel irritable. if she say can, den i most prob will go.. hehe..

im tired. bye..

christian bale is oh-my-goshly HOTTTTT!!

i want her to shut up

serious. i want my mother to shut up rite now.

i want her to stop shouting at me as if im the bane of her life.

i want her to talk nicely.

i want her to talk sense.

i want her to hear me out properly

i want her to stop assuming that i hate her. cos if she continues saying that, i will come to hate her.

i want her to stop being so mean to me.

i am starting to hate her rite now.

i dun like the way she gives me the pressure. work does not give me as much pressure as the times when i have to tell her my results. i work so hard, and i get those poor results. i am sad. but i am more afraid than sad. i am afraid of her wrath. she hurts physically and mentally. i hate her for that pain she inflicts on me.

sometimes i wish that she will walk out of the door and out of my life. sometimes i just want her to be with me. but most of the times she irritates me to the limit.

i love him so much

i love him i love you i love him i love you i love him i love you i love him i love you i love him i love you i love him i love you i love him i love you i love him i love you i love him i love you. i love you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, too much.

please fogive me, i cant stop loving you.

i cant stop thinkin of him. i just cant stop myself from thinking of him.. cant stop being tempted to reach out and touch those beautifully captured pictures of him.. his voice resounds in my head. his eyes appears in my head when i close my eyes. i miss him so veri much. i miss knowing that he is there around me. i miss the feeling.. i miss the way he made me feel when he appears close to me.. he is one guy who can make me cry by not doing anything. haiz.. wad does all these feelings signify? i really need to know.. is infatuation like that? how can such a thing last for so long and still remain so solid and sweet? is it bcos all that i've seen of him, is his beauty? i havent seen his dark side [if he does have].. but will seeing his "ugliness" make me stop feeling for him? i really hope so, and i really hope not. i dun want this feeling to end. but i need it to end so that i can carry on in life, carry on to the next chapter of my life. i know it's tying me down.

it's one of the few strings that continue to attach me to fairfield. the other strings are snapping. my frenship with elin, lydia, lp, jasmine, etc. the relationships are straining or have been broken silently. i had not protested or even tried to mend the relationship. cos i dun bother to. i dun want to give myself more trouble. i sound selfish. but i am tired. i am tired of having frens who never cared. frens who never took life seriously. frens who never took education seriously. frens who never bothered to act as a fren. i am tired of such crap.

i am mentally and physically tired. tired of many things. fortunately, the fatigu will only exist for the time being. it comes and goes. it comes as soon as it goes. i wonder why... maybe it gets triggered by violence and loneliness. those london blasts, huangna's case, that mutilated body case. they are disgusting. the loneliness sucks away my optimism and cheerfulness and energy. i am tired. i need the sleep. the rest. but it will only come when i lie in my grave [if singapore allows pple to have graves given the limited land space..].. the eternal physical rest is far. wad abt the mental rest? are you gonna tell me to read more of the bible? that's one stoopid suggestion that is only 70% feasible. haiz.. recently, as in months ago, i started on reflections. reflections in the christian sense.. it's like, every end of the day, you read a verse and you reflect on it. you think abt it. but the prob is, i dunnoe how to get a verse out of random whn to me, the bible is a non-fiction storybook.. so i turn to the daily bread and those verses of the past years of morning devotions in singapore.. and they are really effective.. made me really understand things.. things that never came across my mind.. it is like, we know things that we know, we know that there are things we dunno, we dunno things that we know, we dunno things that we dunno.. aiyar, if you dun understand, lemme give you an example: a species of animal not yet found does not mean that that particular speices does not exist, rite?

haiz, i think i talked too much. bye.

i love christian bale's hotness.

nkf

why does pple actually feel cheated by nkf? just bcos the ceo got super high salary? so wad!? he may have been over-paid, but hey, those pple who have stopped donating bcos of that news and have felt cheated and all those crap, are stoopid pple who are selfish, idiotic, uncaring and pple who do things that will only make them feel better.. 3800 pple had withdrawn their donations. those 3800 pple and those writing stoopid petitions to do senseless stuff, had apparently not thought that their money may have gone into the pockets of the top management, but that there is still money directed towards HELPING the needy. stopping all donations wont harm nkf itself much, but it will deprive the patients of the treatment they are seriously in need of. so dammit, stop being a whiny child who complains of being cheated. act sensible, continue donating.. it pains to actually see that there are such petty pple in singapore.. and i do hope that i have not made friends with such a petty person.

i feel so angry. i cant believe that pple are writing petitions. to be exact, 42 204 pple had signed that petition.

okae, i can understand that they feel betrayed and all those with accordance to that petition. lemme let you take a look:

"To: National Kidney Foundation Singapore

The CEO of the National Kidney Foundation Singapore (NKFS), T.T. Durai, has breached the trust of the people of Singapore and all others who donate to him. He has drawn a total salary of about S$1.8 million over the last 3 years, which averages out to S$600000 per year and this money comes from the donations of people, many of whom do not even earn that amount in 5 or even 10 years. In addition, he has been less than truthful with the public, lying time and again in court before withdrawing his statements. The NKF has also played games to keep the truth from the public, with chairman Richard Yong telling the public that senior executives fly business class for long-haul flights. However, Durai told the court that he indeed flew first-class. The above are only two examples of how the NKF has not dealt responsibly with the public. We, the undersigned, petition that the CEO of NKFS be removed from his position. Also, the NKFS must be made more accountable to the public, always showing how it acts in public interest, and publishing information that will allow the public to see exactly how much of their money goes to the needy and how much ends up being spent on expenses. Currently, expenses shown include the salary cost under 4 different categories, Direct Charitable Expenses, Operating/Administration Expenses, Fundraising activities and Public Relations. This is merely hiding the truth from the public who deserves to know. Until the NKFS shows that it is willing to be more responsible, we the undersigned suggest that potential donors think twice and donate to more deserving organizations such as the KDF, the Community Chest and the Salvation Army. For more information, an article from the Straits Times can be found here. http://www.asiaone.com.sg/st/st_20050712_328079.html

Sincerely,
The Undersigned "

but still, think of why they kept the truth first. could it be that they knew that they were over-paying and were afraid that their reputation would be ruined? most probably. and why did they want to preserve their reputation? they were most probably they were scared that pple will start withdrawing donations, which had happened. they may be frightened of the thought that they would lose their pay. IT COULD ALSO BE THAT THEY DIDNT WANT THE DONATIONS TO STOP COMING IN AND DEPRIVE THE PATIENTS OF WAD THEY NEED: MONEY FOR TREATMENT.

i feel so sad and disappointed.

christian bale is hot. veri veri veri veri veri veri veri veri hot.

hehe

today was abit diao~

i got bad mood again in the morning.. haiz.. and my mother's mood worse than mine. she first thing in the morning den scold me. she scolded me for opening the damned door. stoopid.

now, she's scolding me again.. for not caring about her. the problem is, i dunnoe how to. she never taught me how to care about her. she never allowed me to care about her. she kept thinking that im inferior. she things that i am stoopid. den how the hell do i know how to care about her when she dun want me to? her definition of caring, is doing her work. hanging clothes for her.. keeping the clothes for her.. washing the dishes for her.. and when she complains, i dunno wad to react at all.. cos everytime, when i tried to care, i feel awkward and she will refuse my help, thinking that im hindering her. i dunno how to handle her at all..

and today i dunno why everything i do seem to irritate her.. so i avoid her by staying in my room reading book.. den she must have thought that i pon her.. diao~ leh, i dun appear infront of her too often cos i dun want her to keep finding faults with me wad.. haiz, dunno wad to do..

haiz..

oh, my bad mood.. im feeling lonely again.

yar, and the whole group had walked all around the entire canteen to find that there were no seats. den i saw the country club chairs.. so i walked to that direction.. den i see not enough chairs, den i turn to the long row of EMPTY tables at the lt3 staircase there.. that time i just didnt bother to tok or do anything.. i just walked there alone.. maybe i was pms-ing.. haha, maybe i was proving that alvin is not the only one who can have pms without reason. haha..

and after skool, i accompanied cherie to lot1... den we walked around aimlessly.. with her keep asking me to lend her my headset.. i finally relented after a lot of "please"s.. haha.. now i miss my headset.. it's only its third day with me and it's now at choa chu kang area.. haiz..

den after that, i went to west mall to meet my sis.. and she bought me two books!!!!!!!! woohoo!!!!!!! and den wewent to the value shop.. and she paid for my candles! they are just so nice, they are not those plain ones.. they have designs on them.. ah, next time i show you if you want..

hm.. i am tired. gtg. bye.

christian bale is soooooooooo broodingly hot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oooooooooooh.