okae, i cant stand it anymore. that b**** who gave birth to me SUCKS like hell.. i really feel that i am in hell right now.. juz that there is no fire and there is light for me to type. she sucks. anyway, i've written my will.. so be patient to read aboout my suicide real soon.. ;P

i got camp tmw, pray for me!

hey.. tmw i got camp.. elin not going, cos she got last-minute-fever.. and okae, nvm...
i gtg, my mum want me to study, AGAIN. bye.

i've had a long day

hey.. so tired now.. so confused now..
first, i trusted lee peng to actually lend me her chemistry tys.. but she didnt keep her promise, according to me.. she was thinking of us sharing the tys in skool.. but i couldnt stay in skool doing chem since all my notes were at home, and i had tot that she would let me have the book for the rest of the hols after she had finished.. that was wad she said.. really.. but today, she said that we were to share the book in skool since she havent finish the work.. but i am not in the similar situation as her, i have to go for tuition, i cannot go home anytime i want like her.. i am sick of accomodating pple.. i am so tired of all these.. i have been accomodating pple for all my life and i am sick and im tired of letting pple get the upperhand.. i have humbled myself for so long.. i cant stand it anymore.. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

heartbreak kid

i juz received his email.. he was thanking me.. thanking me for my blessings.. i wanted to cry.. but i couldnt.. and i dunnoe why.. if you dunnoe wad email and wad blessings im toking about, the thing was that i sent him an e-greeting to him, wishing him and his wife marital bliss.. i wanted to give them my blessings..
he actually thanked me.. okae i know that replying a message is juz being polite, but, it seems to me that his every word and action means alot to me.. too mcuh, in fact.. so much that i feel myself suffocating.. im a goner..

i cant help it

yar, like wad i said in the title, i cant help it.. i cant help it when i keep reminding myself of his wedding day [which is tomorrow].. that i cannot have anymore special feelings for him.. i cant stop myself.. from thinking of him every time.. all the time.. and for your information, and my feelings werent affected by his new hairstyle..
i have been dreaming of him lately.. and everytime i feel so glad to be able to see him in my dreams.. i dunnoe why i feel so happy.. den i will feel sad, cos i will remind myself that i can no longer have that luxury.. since he will no longer be legal property for dreaming starting from tmw..
i feel the ache in my heart.. i juz dun want t=it to be there anymore.. it's so "ouch"..

damn

great.. my mother juz called me a loser.. i cant stand it anymore.. memories of her torturing me kept flooding into my mind nowadays.. i still remembered clearly of the time when she kicked me when i was squatting on the floor in order to sweep up the pencil shavings that i have accidentally spilled onto the floor.. she actually kicked me away and scolded me till i cried.. i cant forget what she did to me.. today, i have been studying the whole time when i was in skool.. yet, she called me a loser.. i really thought of pasting a post-it note onto my room door reading "the loser's room, do not enter or else you will be a loser like me".. but too bad, i have no more tears.. i only have anger in me.. i feel our relationship drifting away again.. argh.....! i have been trying so veri hard to improve the situation between us.. but i juz find it so hard when i dunnoe how to start when we have this generation gap.. i so want to tell her to stop quarrelling with my father in front of me and calling him useless [in bed and at home].. i want to tell her to stop it.. i want her to stop saying those bloody vulgarities like "f***".. i want her to juz shut up.. i want her to stop saying that she has done her duty by giving me food and shelter.. but has she ever asked herself, has she ever really cared about me? has she ever considered my feelings when she started calling me the black sheep of the family, and all the bad things abt me that she can fabricate in her mind when she is frustrated abt me? has she ever saw me as her daughter? did she regret giving birth to me? was i really an accident..? for so long, i have been asking the same questions to myself and looking for the correct answer.. i may have them in my heart.. but i have doubts.. i have always been doubting.. i have questions that will remain unanswered and that i know.. but still, i want to try to know.. since young, i never remembered her encouraging me like, "eunice, you can do it".. i juz need that sentence.. but she never said it.. when i was primary 5, she caned me so early in the morning before skool, before my maths exam paper.. why? cos she wanted me to get better results in my maths paper.. i didnt do anything wrong and yet she caned me till i had so many red marks on my legs when i went to skool.. i did no wrong..

dying

hey.. my 24-hour lond camp was du ri ru nian.. it was a torture.. i tell u the timetable: 1200 - roll call, 1215 - uniform etiquette, 1230 - devotion, 1315 - drill, 1400 - drill theory, 1430 - drill, 1515 - drill theory, 1545 - drill, 1630 - drill theory, 1700 - drill, 1730 - drill recap [more drill], 1800 - dinner, 1845 - devotion and so on.. we slept at 2am and woke up at 7am.. wad's dis man..! next morning i really scolded my contingent.. i guess, besides ivy's and yaoyao's voice, mine was loudest.. haha.. commanded until i had sore throat.. okae, gtg now.. buaiz..

real life

hey.. think i am addicted to blogging twice a day now..
every now and then i think of the 33-yr-old guy.. and so, every now and then i get reminded of him getting married in ten days.. i cant help but feel lost.. but i wont cry.. cos he didnt break my heart at all.. [cos i have no more tears to shed..] that's the advantage of infatuation.. you will never get your heart broken by the person you love so much cos he doesnt know you well enough to do so.. and he isnt close enough.. when you cant reach him and he cant touch you.. you are protected.. whereas, being together usually doesnt mean life will be as fulfilled as a life staying single.. being together means responsiblity and trust.. now, i cant afford to trust anybody anymore.. and i am too overwhelmed to take the responsibility of another person.. cant let love take over your life, dont be held back by it.. it's a waste.. mortal love will one day die down.. you cant keep looking back at the happy memories of the time you were together, it hurts even more.. you may keep comparing it with the present, and that is what i call irritating.. and it hurts alot.. to know that you have contributed so much to something which somehow, came to nothing..
my heart still hurts.. and it hurts alot.. and it hurts even more when i see the invitation letter to his wedding.. but suddenly, i feel so proud of him and myself.. [i know im weird.. you dont have to tell me..] i feel that i have indeed chosen a guy whom other women are willing to spend their life with.. that i have not made the wrong choice of liking this guy.. cos i could have wasted my love on a jerk.. somehow, i am proud of him cos he finally has a complete life; the love of his life, a successful career [a stable job, that is..] and true friends who will stand by him..
he has my blessings, and have been having it ever since i heard of his marriage.. i didnt hesitate to give him mine at all.. cos i know i cant possibly be as self-indulgent as orsino.. cos i know im not worthy of him right from the start when i fell of him.. i dont deserve such a wonderful man.. at all..

gonna die without my glasses.. gonna survive with God's blessings..

ah...! i cant read without getting my face stuck to the book!! and i even borrowed 2 thick books from the library! how am i going to read the books finish??! great, i have a meeting tmw even.. how am i gonna take down the minutes!? okae, i guess im over-reacting.. today's veask day and i was dragged from my cosy and comfortable bed to accompany my mother to her praying at a smoky, squeezy and faraway temple.. showed her the black face the whole time i was there.. she keeps thinking that there's no such thing as Christ and only believe in Buddha.. she keeps saying, "i only believe what i see.".. yea right, i dun even remember her Buddha blessing us.. i oso believe what i see wad.. God does answer my prayers.. he does create miracles, juz like the time when the senior contingent looked to pathetic and still got a gold medal + the most prestigious prize; the challenger shield.. wasnt God watching over us and blessing us? so what if i can see ghosts.. so what if i saw one at home? thst doesnt mean that there's Buddha.. i think if these goes on, i'll be back to a free-twinkle life again.. okae, maybe not..