damn

great.. my mother juz called me a loser.. i cant stand it anymore.. memories of her torturing me kept flooding into my mind nowadays.. i still remembered clearly of the time when she kicked me when i was squatting on the floor in order to sweep up the pencil shavings that i have accidentally spilled onto the floor.. she actually kicked me away and scolded me till i cried.. i cant forget what she did to me.. today, i have been studying the whole time when i was in skool.. yet, she called me a loser.. i really thought of pasting a post-it note onto my room door reading "the loser's room, do not enter or else you will be a loser like me".. but too bad, i have no more tears.. i only have anger in me.. i feel our relationship drifting away again.. argh.....! i have been trying so veri hard to improve the situation between us.. but i juz find it so hard when i dunnoe how to start when we have this generation gap.. i so want to tell her to stop quarrelling with my father in front of me and calling him useless [in bed and at home].. i want to tell her to stop it.. i want her to stop saying those bloody vulgarities like "f***".. i want her to juz shut up.. i want her to stop saying that she has done her duty by giving me food and shelter.. but has she ever asked herself, has she ever really cared about me? has she ever considered my feelings when she started calling me the black sheep of the family, and all the bad things abt me that she can fabricate in her mind when she is frustrated abt me? has she ever saw me as her daughter? did she regret giving birth to me? was i really an accident..? for so long, i have been asking the same questions to myself and looking for the correct answer.. i may have them in my heart.. but i have doubts.. i have always been doubting.. i have questions that will remain unanswered and that i know.. but still, i want to try to know.. since young, i never remembered her encouraging me like, "eunice, you can do it".. i juz need that sentence.. but she never said it.. when i was primary 5, she caned me so early in the morning before skool, before my maths exam paper.. why? cos she wanted me to get better results in my maths paper.. i didnt do anything wrong and yet she caned me till i had so many red marks on my legs when i went to skool.. i did no wrong..