no more chiong-ese!!!!! do i hear cheers from lydia?

yea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no more chinese!!! except in july when there's oral and listening... yehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! want so much to wreck havoc, budden i am toooooooooooooooooooo sleepy now.. the latte is wearing off...... argh!

my love.. OMG!

i've never had such a special feeling for anyone except him.. he has this charismatic smile which seems to brighten the day, since he smiles very seldom and his face practically crinkles up when he smiles whole-heartedly.. and i got reminded of ryan seacrest.. there's the twinkle in the eye.. maybe he has that smile juz bcos i am not in his life to make him miserable.. i am a miserable person and i cant deny it.. my mental msn messenger seem to be blocking off sooooo many pple that when i am alone with them, i have nth much to start a conversation with them that will last for more than a bus ride.. i juz cant open up to them except elin and lp and lydia and a boy, maybe two boys.. something is holding me back from carrying on with life.. i am changing, for the worse.. even though i have seemed to become more sensible like all humans do.. haiz.. suddenly, i found out that i have written out of point.. sorry abt that..
in the first place, i dun even know the exact reason how on earth i fell for him.. his good looks? the way he carries himself? the way he seems to always look like he's 25, maybe more than that.. i cant know more abt him at all.. he cant even remember me by name, i think.. so why on earth do i like a guy who does not know me at all? i love the things that i know abt him.. and i know that they are oredi enough to make me blind to his faults.. well, at least he's not malvolio or sir andrew.. and i hope he's not antonio, the gay of the play.. maybe i like the fact that he is able to be childish in a matured manner.. he knows when to be serious and when to be hyper.. unlike me..
he seems to be so near yet so far.. and this "angel of my life" seems to short to be one.. okae, why did i juz call him angel? heck.. maybe cos of the fact that i have not slept for more than twelve hours even though it is only 5pm in the evening..
[i slept at 11 and woke up at 4, what else do you expect but crap from a sleepyhead?]

my life

actually, i have long wanted to ask. why do pple i love always hurt me? why do pple i treasure make me feel neglected? somehow, i always want to be cherished.. but i never was.. ever since young, nobody cared abt me.. my father seems to be so much like a stranger to me.. he had bbeen flying to and fro even before i was born.. when i was in primary 3, he only came back from jakarta once every two or three months.. once, the entire family had to fly all the way there juz bcos he was bound by work.. i couldnt recall a time when we really had a family outing ever since i became primary 3.. i only recalled the family going to the haw par villa and the zoological gardens.. otherwise, we only started going for dim sums on sunday mornings occasionally.. up till now, even though he is no longer flying, he has been sitting the ferry to and from batam.. they always said that the companies in singapore closed down, so he had to be posted to the ones in indonesia.. ever since he was in indonesia, he had a mistress.. up till now, whenever he's at home, he would called back to talk to his mistress.. maybe cos my mother has lost her figure and appeal to him.. maybe it was her character and behaviour which made him feel irritated and he wanted to find comfort from other women.. really, i never blamed him.. i never blamed anyone else abt this.. i dont know why, but i felt nothing.. im not angry.. and only recently, i started putting myself in my mother's shoes to try to understand her.. and i learnt that, all she wants, is to have her children have a bright future.. she puts her children as her first priority.. she really loves the family.. but sometimes, i disappoint her thru my results, especially my combined humanities, it's a disgrace.. but sometimes, she can get really selfish.. and i cant blame her since she never got to enjoy life.. when she was born, her parents abandoned her.. her foster parents ill-treated her.. her husband has been cheating on her for a very very very long time.. but she could forgive her husband time and again cos she knew that he would need a woman to be there to comfort him when he is alone overseas.. and bcos of these, that i love her so much.. but towards my father, i knew little of him.. i remembered the last word he taught me for spelling in kindagarten was "durian", but i still cheated in that spelling test and in the end, i flunked. the teacher saw me cheating and brought me to the principal.. after that my mother was so angry that she literally threw me to the rough, concrete ground and my knees were bleeding, but she still walked away.. that time, i felt so helpless.. i never felt her love for me when i was young, she seemed to love caning kicking and biting me.. in kindagarten, she only got me to focus on mathematics.. at K1, i had to learn the multiplication table.. hello?! we only learn that in primary one. for english, i had no clue, i played guessing games for spelling.. there were teacher pets and i felt so envious.. in primary 3, the skool taught us science starting from the back of the textbook for science.. so i didnt know what is it called when salt is dissolved in water.. it was salt solution.. my mother asked me that question, i didnt know how to answer.. den she called me the black sheep of the family.. all the time, i asked my siblings to help me in my work, they only shook their heads and looked at how i was beaten and caned by my mother for not scoring well in my work.. so no wonder, i wanted to be a teacher pet, and i did become a teacher's pet in primary 5 and 6.. at that time, i felt so happy.. i thought to myself," hey, im not that useless afterall.." since young, i was a tomboy and befriended boys.. in primary one and two, my best friend was gordon.. but suddenly, we no longer talked to each other after going to separate classes.. in p3, p4, p5, p6, jun ming was my bosom friend, we did everything together.. we played with newborn kittens in his neighbourhood and we look with anticipation at the mother cat who seemed so tolerant of our mischief.. when the mother cat became sick and kept vomitting, we were both very worried.. for that few years, i felt so happy and without worries that i have found the best friend in town.. up to sec one, when we becamr separated by out psle results.. he went to the norm and i went to the exp.. our relationship started to fade.. and we slowly stopped talking to each other.. but i remember, we never argued before.. i was never angry with him before.. i trusted him alot that time.. still, we wrote to each other.. we became pen pals.. but i was always the one to stop writing.. in sec one, the name-calling started and i told him abt it.. he told me not to take it to heart and i tried.. i did.. but i couldnt.. in sec one and two, i found jasmine yip to be a veri good friend, i trusted her.. she was the first to know my crush on the 33-yr-old guy.. but it was only in sec 2, when i found out that she was a hypocrite, she never stood up for me when i was called a bitch.. instead, she "broke up" with me on founders' day.. she initiated it.. i did not object.. but we didnt become enemies, we only stopped contacting each other.. in sec 2, i tod elin and huiyi abt my crush on the 33-yr-od guy.. they sold me out and told other gals abt it.. they may deny it, but i know they did.. to think i trusted them.. in sec 3, i gave elin my heart.. but she actually unwitting broke it.. and up till now, i cant forget wad she did during the first skool semester and the desaru camp last year.. i felt so hurt.. i became suicidal.. i felt that nobody was there for me.. my family couldnt help much, there is the age gap.. the age gap between me and the second youngest in the family is ten years.. i didnt want to tell them.. fortunately, i turned to God.. he did ease my pain.. but as time passed, i felt like i was a great sinner.. i lied.. i swore.. and many things i did made me feel sinful.. i felt unworthy of His love.. i hated myself at one point.. soon, i hated the whole world.. i locked myself up.. and i crumbled in my heart whenever i felt abandoned.. i comforted myself.. i did everything by myself.. nobody was there to help me.. i didnt let God help me.. i dun know why.. but i didnt want any help.. even till now, words of encouragement and comfort from friends dun help anymore.. they showed their concern too late.. they could have done it earlier, so maybe i wont have depression.. now, i can only seek refuge from God.. but i am so scared that one day, even God's grace and love cant touch me anymore.. i am so scared.. till now, my heart has not been fully mended.. so im still aching and bleeding.. and my heart really hurts.. it is juz so unbearable.. i am so afraid that i cant take it anymore.. may God bless me..

my speech

for so long, i wanted to find a place where i can flood with all my thoughts and feelings.. i have bottled up my feelings for too long.. way too long, that i have lost myself.. lost my life..

now, i have found it!! it is blog!!

great, i sound like im advertising for blogspot..