was giving tuition as per usual.....and suddenly i got a phone call!

and since i set the ringtone specifically under his name, i knew immediately that he was on the line.

den i answered, "hello?"

and i heard a

"hi darling! I love you, bye bye!"

i went "HUH?"

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha~

den he said that he knew im giving tuition, but he just wanted to hear my voice.

sooooooooooooooo sweet la!! omg.






































but i've oredi decided that i should hold back. if possible, get a total change of perspective. such that i wont be as vulnerable as i am rite now. and im gradually changing. my feelings for him are still suffocating, but not as terrible as it was previously. *phew*

and i know that i cannot shed any tear in this relationship. cos it will mean that i've sunken too deep into this - it will complicate things, and he dun want our relationship to become complicated.

i havent cried. but somehow, my heart feels strangled by the love i have for him. many times, i feel breathless, with a heavy chest. NO IT'S NOT MY BOOBS.

but im always happy when im with him. completely blissful and at peace. and it seemed like nth else mattered. my present troubles and worries would be left behind and forgotten. maybe cos i tend to feel troubled when i DUN get to see him........heh. that sense of longing can kill!

marina said something abt me this afternoon after i kinda spilt the beans to her..

she said that ever since LS and i broke up, it seems like i've changed.

den i asked, for the better or the worse??

Inconclusive answer. she said, it's like, it's gd that you've become YOURSELF....but oso it seems like your dark side has surfaced, after wad you've told me..

soooooooooooooooo, i've become darker??

and she was totally shocked over wad i told her. seems like the real "me" dun correspond with the "me" she sees in her eyes........ haha! imagine the look on her face, mouth open + eyes wide open + nostrils flared + speechless.

i dunno if i should laugh or not sia....

but it's GRRRRRRRRRRRREAT that i've finally let out smth which i've always wanted to share - with someone who can know how it feels. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, burden off my chest.

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oh ya, i fell in the toilet yesterday. got bruise on my knee, and the areas which got hit but didnt bruise.....they hurt like HELL. i keep looking for a physical sign of some bruising or smth, but it's just NOT THERE. but the painnnnnnnnnn is there. owwwwwwwwww~

den ching and marina laugh at me. as if they inhaled laughing gas or smth. HUMPH.

----------

last nite was a great nite btw :D spent some time with him.... and got to know more abt him.

made me more firm on the decision that i've been trying to make. cos it's just a matter of time, i guess. even though i hate it to happen. i love being with him. i love his company. i love the way that he's changed me. i love the fact that i spoil him with my massages - i dun mind getting "bullied" or indulged by someone whom i like. be it man or woman. NO WONDER I ALWAYS KANA BULLIED BY MARINA. and ching. and nisa. and wanru. and etc etc.

---------

did i blog abt last sunday where i was at the final band audition for Chunk Fest?? as a supporter la. it was aweeeeeeeeeeeesome!!! his band got shortlisted to perform for Chunk Fest, together with another 6 bands, at marina barrage on 12th sep!!! it's like ubber cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SOOOOO GOING.

and the theme is: RETRO. im stuck. i look like an ah soh if i wear retro. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~

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oh my tuition kid - sec 4 gal - totally flunked her maths prelims paper. and she recommended me to one of her classmates to give tuition rite until the Ns........means i got extra income!! YAY!!

recently, i had been writing songs....and throwing them...and writing new ones with better lyrics....

now i've settled at one song, and im stuck at the chords!!

so i went to the piano. yes my house has a piano. it's erm, older than me. and it's super out of tune. and i dunno how to tune a musical instrument which happens to be bigger than me.....and the last time we sent it for servicing was.......8yrs ago? ah heck. nobody uses it now... wad a poor thing.

there was the melody of the first stanza in my head.. and i recorded it (my horrible singing)into my handphone recorder....and i tried REAL HARD trying to find out the notes. AND I FINALLY GOT THEM!! YAY!!!

heh, i actually recorded my singing.....and mms-ed it to HIM for QC. and he said that it was great!! i know he's just appeasing me la. OH NO I MENTIONED HIM AGAIN! sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry

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oh ya, you guys know wad?? in june, my weight was a freaking 67kg.

damn heavy hor.

and as of today, im 59kg oredi :D
yayyy~~ i wanna aim at least 55kg. but my rate of losing weight is slowing down oredi. i think i really need to starve these days oredi. dieeeeeeee~

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TESTS COMING. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

MUG MUG MUG MUG MUG MUG mug mug mug mug mug mug mug mug mug mug..................ing time.

wah. pek chek.

today, i got some money from my tuition... so i happily bought two cartons of yougurt milk, den everybody (sadly, that includes the bro who onli know how to take but dunno how to give) can drink them!

so when i brought them home, i've oredi told my near-deaf mother that i bought drinks. and she responded with an "orh"

AND THEN SHE COMES BACK 6 HOURS LATER, WITH ANOTHER TWO CARTONS OF YOUGURT DRINK.

and she gave me a lecture about her buying the drinks to accumulate her NTUC member points, while i bought the drinks for NO APPARENT PURPOSE. so i shouldnt "fight" with her over buying them.

im like WTF!? FINE FORGET IT.

and den i wanted to throw some rubbish and was waiting for my father to finish "adding onto the pile of rubbish"......so when i wanted to throw, she grumbled, "throw rubbish oso want to fight with me."

I WAS LIKE FINE!! I AM GG TO MY ROOM. AM I FIGHTING WITH YOU OVER GG TO MY EFFING ROOM!?

*no i didnt say that to her. i just walked off after complaining to my father*







wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh pek chek.

went to google again :D

and i've seen him mentioned in some blogs, and how he had managed to influence the ideas and mentality of some pple... and there he is, saying that he isnt all that great. that he just so happened to have access to resources that enabled him to somewhat open up a sub-career path for himself... so technically, he's not the entrepreneur everybody says.

but he's an inspirer.

he's inspired students.

most of all, he's inspired me.

i've never really looked up to someone and really strive to work hard for a better future. but after i've met him and listened/experienced/seen all that he has to offer, i really wanna reach his level. i wanna live a fulfilled life. i wanna bring out my fullest potential. i wanna catch up to him. i want him to be proud of me. i want him to be the one looking up to me, just like the way i look up to him rite now. i want him to go, "wow, this girl has grown up. and she's one amazing young lady!!"

it feels like i had been sleeping all this time. all the 20 years. i have drifted through. as an underachiever.

and he's opened my eyes. and shown me a whole new world. this new world is blinding to the naked eye. but i will adjust and i will walk down this path which i had been walking, and create a new pathway. for myself. for my future. im not as clever as george sorros, im not as smart as milton friedman, im not as bright as adam smith, im not as brilliant as einstein.

but i will learn. and i will work hard.

and harder.

till i reach my goals and dreams.

using the knowledge that i've acquired, together with the thirst to learn more and gain more wisdom. i'll learn to pick myself up, and know wad i've done wrong when i fail.

i wanna die and say, "woo, i didnt waste THIS life!"

i wanna be, just like him.

today was like.......a mini emotional roller coaster ride.

in the morning, i felt a lil down that there's the possibility that we wouldnt meet today..

den after class, he said that we could meet. den next message was, might not be able to meet cos of his work.. den he said, got bigger chance to meet oredi.. and den he called, better not meet cos it's been a hectic day for him..

AND DEN FINALLY WE COULD MEET.

waaaaaaaaaaaa~

i didnt even have time to have mood swings.

and so, we met... at holland v

but onli for a while~ didnt do much :D but dammit he looked so handsome today.

and he was smiling a lil more than saturday :D

took a dilly dallying route to my house after that... haha, it's just holland v, but we avoided the route that would have brought me home within ten minutes.. ended up, took around.....15?

and he was saying the most amazing things, as if they were natural and that it didnt mean much to him.

"i dunno, but i just HAD to see you today....even one hour is enough"

i asked him why, he just couldnt come out with a proper reason. cos there wasnt.

he just wanted to see me~ for the sake of seeing me.

thank goodness he has a car!! otherwise, kinda cumbersome rite?? haha~ if he didnt own one, and that he wanted to see me, he'd have to take train, change bus, etc....or waste money and take the cab.

and it felt so good lying on him. as in.....like a perfect fit, when he puts an arm over your shoulder and you just lean against him. SOOOOOOO COMFORTABLE!! and his cologne mixed well with my perfume :D (my sis bought perfume for me.....estee lauder.. kinda nice :D i like the Delight one)

ULTIMATE COMBINATION of comfort!! i almost snuggled up against him to take a snooze.

okae i dun care oredi. one day im gonna snuggle up to him and make sure he dun fall asleep before i do. cos his snore is thunderous, especially when he's snoring rite beside my ear! den i will snuggle against him, and hug a huge teddy bear to sleep.

WAH PERFECT!!!

that image i just painted.....will make me look like a little girl, seeking comfort from her father. but OH WELL. it's comfy, i like. that's all.

at 6.36am, i got a rather sudden sms from him..

not a heavy sleeper, and my msg tone was rather loud, and the phone was RIGHT beside my left ear - i have the practice of placing the phone beside my pillow; gives me a sense of security..

so i woke up immediately to reply him :D

and asked him why was he awake so early on a sunday morning.

his reply made me feel a lil sad, a lil worried, a lil helpless.

he's been so bogged down by the recent events that have been happened, that he couldnt sleep. it's that stressful huh? i bet i would have behaved the same as him, putting myself in his shoes. i'd been thinking and thinking, how do i get out of this mess? is there another solution to which i have overlooked? wad are the consequences of my actions if i do this or that? wad will become of me if everything else fails? how do i move on from here? can i start all over? but how?

*******************

i felt sad.
bcos he's not happy.

i felt worried.
bcos it's affecting him in all sorts of ways. he's started having migraines for the first time in his life. he almost got into an accident. he's frowning and thinking a lot more. and now he's losing sleep.

i felt helpless.
cos no matter how much i wanna help, i cant. im literally helpless. i dun have power nor authority. i dun have money nor the resources. i can onli watch as the problems come washing down on him.

********************

then i told him to go for a jog. cos jogs can help take his mind off things, at least for a while. and he said, "that's a gd idea"

how i wish i can perform magic and transfer some of his problems over to my side, and ease his load.
even better, i could make everything alrite for him.