i hate myself.

i hate me for being so insecure.

i hate me for being so childish.

i hate me whenever i make him cry.

i hate me when i become a possessive monster.



the old me has come back. back from secondary skool days when my world revolved around skool and a gal, elin.

when everyone around me abandoned me, at least elin didnt.

when everyone was pointing mocking fingers at me, at least elin wasnt.

when everyone made me cry, at least elin would stay at my side and let me cry.


that's y i felt like i could never do without her. everything i did, was either for me, or elin. nobody else really mattered.


and just so happened that she had this bullshit boyfriend who eventually broke her heart and left her clearing up the mess. so sometimes, she would seek some comfort and company from a few boys who acted like her brothers during recess. but being the possessive monster, i threw a big tantrum. i tried to keep my tears from flowing, till my eyes hurt so much and i couldnt see a thing. but elin saw my unshed tears and watched them overflow even though i fought so hard to keep them. she cried with me and it was then i knew that she was oso suffering, but in a different way.

and i was adding onto her burden by being so possessive.




so after we graduated from secondary skool, we went our separate ways, but maintaining contact via the internet. and i resolved myself not to get too carried away with anyone anymore.



and so i shut myself off for a few years. until i met lisheng.



it was during our time together that the monster in me started waking up.

i didnt like it that he was gg out with his frens without me while i was at home mugging for exams. i wanted him to be with me every minute, every second.

and he had this female colleague, which i didnt have a gd impression of. well, i first saw her when sheng and i were in his car during office hour, and she came up to the car and talked to him without acknowledging me. maybe she didnt see me, someone who was sitting rite beside him for the whole world to see. and they seemed so friendly together. and she was my age, but prettier and taller and slimmer.

i started having this inferior feeling the moment i knew of her existence. and i didnt want sheng to know that im such a monster, so i kept silent while trying to let him know that i didnt like the way they behaved together. instead of removing my inferiority, he teased me about it and laughed at me. he didnt find anything wrong with it.

somehow, im starting to cry. issit strange?

yes, she was attached. she has a bf working in the same company. but they had issues.

and it was until last week that my monster really came out.

that female colleague and her bf had cold war and she was depressed. the bf - whom sheng dislikes a lot bcos of that guy's attitude towards work and gf - had thrown her the car keys and walked off. so after work, she went to the car to wait for him to come back. she waited for quite some time after she knocked off. after sheng closed the office door, he asked me if the car was still there. i was bewildered and asked y he asked after i told him that the car was still there (cos i havent known wad happened) and he started telling me wad happened.

after that we reached the carpark and we reached that car before reaching his car. without looking at me and keeping his eyes on the car, he passed me everything he was holding onto and told me to go to the car first. to him at that moment, that female colleague was more impt than me. that didnt really hurt until he came to the car, started the engine, talked a lil more abt her and her bf, and left the car without a warning.

he just opened the door and left me.

to go to that gal.




somehow, i felt like i never mattered to him.




and for the rest of the nite, they were sms-ing each other a lot of times. and i was watching. but he never cared that he was messaging another gal while being with me.


he said that he treat her as a sister.


so a sister is more impt than a gf eh?


and he continued that he tend to take care of her bcos of that.


those words hurt like knives. my heart couldnt take it.


y was it that he has another gal in his mind besides me?


y cant he take care of me and me alone?


it's just not fair. i gave him my all. and his heart wasnt with me?


and there was the RC car issue. he wanted to buy this real expensive toy car which cost $430.
i personally didnt think that it was worth that much money, and he didnt have much savings to start with. we ended up quarrelling abt it. and finally i relented and he bought that toy car.



and since yesterday and today, he started to question y i was asking so many questions. was i?

it's just that for these past few days, he wasnt replying me as fast as he would in the past. he would take half an hour to reply a short sms even though he wasnt working. and yesterday, he went out with his colleagues and somehow, every sms i send, i had to wait for more than half an hour before i get a short reply.

was i even on his mind?

after that, we met in the evening. before that, i had eaten my dinner at home so i drank teh peng while he ate his.

long after that, while he was playing his RC car with his frens, i had this headache and i felt hungry and i let him know. he said, go macdonalds to buy a packet of fries. but i didnt want fries, i wanted cheeseburger. den he said that, cheeseburger got bread. so i said, dun eat the bread la. den he went on and said that there's meat. i tot, im suffering here and i cant even eat wad i want to eat? so i jokingly raised my voice a lil and said, "dun eat oredi la!"

den he got angry.

he got angry that i raised my voice at him.

how could he be angry at such a thing?

so i got pissed off.

but after that, i apologised.

seems like he refused to accept my apology.





and now he was saying that he didnt dare to meet me cos he never knew when or where i will throw my temper again.

and he didnt want to meet me.





my heart is totally broken now. and the tears keep flowing.

the monster in me has ruined my life again.



i want to die.

i love singapore.. yea yea

had a bad nite last nite..

heck.




ANYWAY, i want to talk about the movie
"the curious case of benjamin button"

IT'S DAMN NICE I TELL YOU.

but i bet my bf will fall asleep while watching it cos it's on the long and slow side..

and even though there are hardly any crying scenes, some scenes are sad enough for viewers to cry.

well, i cried.

a review at http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0421715/ went,

"...age is only a number, and that we as people can choose what we do with our lives, no matter what our age is.

What better way to tell this message than through a story where the titular character ages backwards, and must experience life in such a way?

How does one fall in love when he could one day appear young enough to be his spouse's child?

How does a 5 year old play with the neighborhood children when he's confined to a wheelchair stricken with old age?

Fincher's epic explores our choices, lives, and the timelessness of life itself..."



it's real nice, and it'll be out in sg on feb 5 :D

Singapore says exports falling more than expected

Singapore's key exports fell more than expected in December from a year ago, as recession-hit US and European consumers bought fewer goods from the city-state, the government said Friday.

Non-oil domestic exports tumbled 20.8 percent, faster than the 17.5 percent decline in November and worse than the average 20 percent slide tipped by analysts in a Dow Jones Newswires poll.

It was the eighth straigth month of contraction for the NODX, a closely watched barometer of the health of Singapore's open, trade-driven economy.

Key exports were worth 10.47 billion Singapore dollars (7.0 billion US) in December.

Exports to the European Union fell 34 percent, to neighbouring Malaysia by 26 percent and to the United States by 24 percent. Shipments declined to all of the country's top 10 markets, with the exception of Japan.

On a month-on-month seasonally adjusted basis, key exports declined 13 percent in December.

Total trade dropped 18.7 percent to 58.93 billion dollars.

The government has said the economy could contract by as much as two percent this year after growing 1.5 percent last year, sharply down from the 7.7 percent expansion in 2007.

David Cohen, of research house Action Economics, said exports are likely to fall further as the global economy worsens.

"Hope is still that things will bottom out by the end of the first half but there's just no guarantee, so the markets remain understandably nervous," he said.

Standard Chartered economist Alvin Liew said: "This is likely to be the most painful year in terms of external demand collapsing."

Singapore became the first Asian economy to fall into recession in the third quarter of last year.

The government has said the economy could contract by as much as two percent this year after growing 1.5 percent last year, sharply down from the 7.7 percent expansion in 2007.

- Dow Jones Newswires contributed to this story -

Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea




(Fujimoto:Ponyo's father)
With my power,I can hold Ponyo only a while.After all, we need her.

(Risa:Sosuke's mother)
Sosuke,don't come back late!

(Koichi:Sosuke's father)
That's Sosuke! My boy is genious! He is only 5 ysears old!

(Sosuke)
Hey,Risa! Koichi says he loves you and he loves you very very much.

(Ponyo)
I'm Ponyo! I love Sosuke! and I want to be a human!

(Gran manmare:Ponyo's mother)
Oh,She's got a good name.

(Fujimoto)
Now,Ponyo can use any magic she wants and she is making a big trouble to this world.

(Risa)
I love you,Sosuke!

(Toki:Old lady)
Bring her back to the sea now! She will cause Tsunami!

(Sosuke)
Risa! Risa!

(Koichi)
That's a girl! That's a girl about Sosuke's age!

(Sosuke)
She's fell down!

(Sosuke)
I made a promise that I will protect Ponyo.

(Ponyo)
I'm Ponyo! I love Sosuke!

"It's nice to be born in this world."

(Sosuke)
I love you too!

too cute to be true!!

8 Days of Christmas
by Destiny's Child


You know x-mas
Was made for the children
Destiny's Child
2G x-mas
Destiny's Child
Ah-ah
Ah

On the 8th day of Christmas my baby gave to me
a pair of chloe shades & a diamond belly ring
On the 7th day of x-mas my baby gave to me
a nice back rub and he massaged my feet
On the 6th day of x-mas my baby gave to me
a cropped Jacket with dirty denim jeans
On the 5th day of x-mas my baby gave to me
a poem that he wrote for me

The the feelin' that I feel is so good
He makes me feel so in lo-lo-lo-lo-love
If he only knew what he does to me
My man, my man, my baby
Oh he makes me feel so lovely, so sexy
I'm so in lo-lo-lo-lo-love
How I love him for his generousity
My man, my man, my baby

Doesn't it feel like x-mas (it feels lovely)
Doesn't it feel like x-mas (it feels so lovely)
Doesn't it feel like x-mas (wooooooooaaaaaaahhhh)
Yes it feels like x-mas
Doesn't it feel like x-mas (it feels lovely)
Doesn't it feel like x-mas (it feels so lovely)
Doesn't it feel like x-mas (the spirit of x-mas)
Yes it feels like x-mas

On the 4th day of x-mas my baby gave to me
a candlelit dinner just me & my honey
On the 3rd day of x-mas my baby gave to me
a gift certificate to get my favorite CD's
On the 2nd day of x-mas my baby gave to me
the keys to a CLK Mercedes
On the 1st day of x-mas my baby gave to me
quality T-I-M-E

If it feels like x-mas
Yes it's x-mas
Bro's x-mas
Mom's x-mas
Dad's x-mas
Bro's x-mas
Feels like x-mas
Feels like x-mas

Michelle's x-mas
Beyonce's x-mas
Kelly's x-mas
mom's x-mas
dad's x-mas
bro's x-mas
Feels like x-mas
Feels like x-mas

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
by U2




It's Christmas ... baby, please come home
Yeah

The snow's coming down / Christmas
I'm watching it fall / Christmas
Lots of people around / Christmas
Baby, please come home

The church bells in town / Christmas
They're ringing a song / Christmas
What a happy sound / Christmas
Baby, please come home

They're singing 'Deck the Halls'
But it's not like Christmas at all
I remember when you were here
And all the fun we had last year

Pretty lights on the tree / Christmas
I'm watching them shine / Christmas
You should be here with me / Christmas
Baby, please come home
Baby, please come home
Baby, please come home

They're singing 'Deck the Halls'
But it's not like Christmas at all
I remember when you were here
And all the fun we had last year

If there was a way / Christmas
I'd hold back these tears / Christmas
But it's Christmas day / Christmas
Baby, please come home / Christmas
Home / Christmas

Baby, please come home / Christmas
Baby, please come home / Christmas
Baby, please come home / Christmas
Home / Christmas

Baby, please come home / Christmas