heyhey! im back again.

actually, have you ever tot that i was once suicidal?

actually, i had. but i never dared to even inflict pain on myself. i have two fears: pain, and death.

you may think, hey, wad's with being afraid of death, it comes anyway. but have you tot, wad you could have done with your extra minutes in life? you'll be able to spend more time with your loved ones, etc. i cant bear to leave them rite now. maybe next time..

ever since sec2, i suffered from depression. kinda easy to kana when you're called a 'fat bitch' by the whole population of boys in class, including some gals. you can think, ignore them lor. but the problem is, i tot i could. in the end, i snapped and burst into tears in class. and wad worsened it is that no one bothered to ask wad happened. for the subsequent months, my so-called best fren, JASMINE YIP [that ugly bitch], stabbed me from the back. she STABBED me. we severed ties. entirely. should have called for a celebration instead of seeking to reconcile that time. argh.

okae, so i was all alone as i struggled with depression. so maybe you're asking, wad abt your family? you really wanna know??

my father was never there. my mother never bothered, neither did she noticed my condition. my siblings, either busy studying university or busy working. they never had time for me. kinda. and i never sought to get help. i never wanted to appear weak. i never wanted show my vulnerability for fear of being more hurt. i dun wanna expose my hurt.

so according to the speaker today who talked abt understanding depression, i turned my anger inward. i became angry with myself and the whole world and never let anybody know. okae, not the whole world, there was my ex-crush who looked almost like an angel among the demons, always preaching His words, counselling students who need helps, etc. but i never dared to approach him. at that time, i had a phobia of being close to guys. ah guas, sissies, gays, i can accept cos i treat them as women. but i know that when i suffered from depression, i did hurt alot of frens, including chun kuan. i gotta say, "im sorry, " to all those whom i have hurt knowingly and unknowingly. i need you peeps to know that i love you still.

so at that time, i was almost withdrawn within myself. i couldnt find much reasons to sustain my life. so maybe that's why i binged. got so damn fat and got MORE depressed.

up till now, im still on the way to recovery. that doesnt mean that i am no longer depressed. after the talk this afternoon, i became withdrawn. kept to myself, didnt bother to chat. didnt bother to ask for help when i couldnt solve questions. blasted my mp3 into my ears to block out the noise. after that, i came out of my shell for a breather, and never bothered to go back inside le. haha.

den at home, my mother was busy picking my faults, as usual. and i flared up. went to my room to slam some books, kicked my bedpost a few times, cried for quite a while. i realised, a long time ago, whenever i got angry, my voice becomes shaky and i start crying. fortunately, i know that i have to stop crying. otherwise, i can cry a river.

now, im blogging in order to get some of my burden off my chest. there are many other things which have upsetted me but i cant bother to tok abt them cos im kinda tired.

tired of living. tired of following God. tired of existing.

hey!

so long i no blog properly..

so i shall blog abt today. one of the many rainy days in april. MANY rainy days in april.

okae, first thing in the morning, i bought teh tarik and seaweed chicken [yum yum] to fill my stomach in order to get myself out of starvation mode. den oso got help shaoqin buy seaweed chicken.. after that, i kept taking shoots of my lil breakfast until to my satisfaction.. haha.. shaoqin can vouch for me abt my fussiness.. haha..

den skool started, we went for maths and suddenly, my timetable for wednesday got longer by an hour. haiz. but nvm, it's for my benefit. throw long line to catch big fish.

den gp, copied down alot of essay notes. and all those normal stuff..

den got physics practical. ahhhh... yinghan was singing pop songs, david was singing children songs. ahhhhhhhhhh.... physics lesson never get as fun as their singing. just like a min karaoke session for the guys. den just nice sheryl not around, so david kinda sung more [otherwise, both of them will compete in creating some 'sound']

den econs, ah, i dun like this particular lesson. s13 lost face. in front of 2 other classes. and to my horror, someone i know [from another class] was laughing as mdm berated my class. was mentally throwing daggers at her. wanna know her name? silei.

den after skool, went to canteen to eat a proper meal. den june went to join the guys cos they borrowed her book and she couldnt abandon it. den shaoqin and me went to the library to do the econs hmk that mdm khoo threw at us during the lesson and was expecting us to hand it in by tmw. studied until 5.30pm.. so it's around 2 hours.. less than that by a few minutes..

went to the canteen to meet up with june who was chatting with daren and zhixiang abt zhixiang's gf. she's only sec 2 this year leh!! haha.. and yup, there's the parental objection. so they're dating secretly.. can only meet up on wednesdays, after skool.. sad rite? can only meet once a week..

den we went home; june, zhixiang and i.. and yes, my handphone toy looks soooooooo much like him.

only heaven knows
-rick price-

she's always on my mind,
from the time i wake up
'till i close my eyes
she's everywhere i go
she's all i know

though she's so far away
it's just keeps getting stronger
every day
and even now she's gone
i'm still holding on

so tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go

chorus:
maybe my love will come back some day
only heaven knows
and maybe our hearts will find their way
only heaven knows
and all i can do is hope and pray'
cause heaven knows

my friends keep telling me
that if you really love her
you've gotta set her free
and if she returns in kind
i'll know she's mine

so tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go

chorus

why i live in despair'
cause wide awake or dreaming
i know she's never there
and all these time i act so brave
i'm shaking inside
why does it hurt me so...

chorus

heaven knows
heaven knows

Your true color is Green!

What's Your True Color?
Brought to you by Tickle

sometimes, i can get really selfish.

i'd rather be the one dying early if it means that i have to watch my loved ones die before me.

i'd rather cause them pain of losing me den suffer the ache of losing my loved ones.

i'd rather have their hearts broken over seeing me suffer den having my heart broken while watching them wringe in pain.

i will never want someone i treasure to slip right past my nose. [okae, im short. so you better be a dwarf.]

sometimes, i only think of myself.

sometimes, i get tired of putting others front.

sometimes, i get tired of being pushed around.

sometimes, i get tired of life.

maybe rite now, i am tired of life. it's up to you to guess whether im saying the truth or not.

i miss him a lot. everywhere i go, i think of him. everything i look at reminds me of him. but the problem is, who is he?

i know im missing someone. loving someone. looking for that someone.

but who is that someone i seem to have been waiting for all my life?

is he God?

is he that childhood fren of mine?

is he my present crush?

is he my ex-crush?

is he the guy i never dared to make frens with?

is he that guy whom i have shared dark secrets with?

who is that someone? who is the one whom i want to be close to? who is the one who can make my judgement falter? who is the one who can send me melting with a smile? who makes me feel like i have ran 2.4km when i am simply standing there looking into his eyes? who can catch me crying at one moment and then make me laugh and gag at his jokes the next? who can soothe my nerves with a touch? who can stop my tears? who can nurse my broken heart, carry it in his two hands carefully and will never drop it on the floor?

Colourblind
by Darius Danesh

Feeling blue
When I'm trying to forget the feeling
That I miss you

Feeling green
When the jealousy swells and it won't
Go away in dreams

Feeling yellow
I'm confused inside a little hazy but mellow
When I feel your eyes on me

Feeling fine, sublime
When that smile of yours
Creeps into my mind

ohhhh.....

Nobody told me it feels so good

Nobody said you'd be so beautiful

Nobody warned me about your smile

You're the light
You're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colourblind
You make me colourblind

Feeling red
When you spend all your time with your friends
And not me instead

Feeling black
When I think about all of the things that
I feel I lack

Feeling jaded
When it's not gone right

All the colours have faded
Then I feel your eyes on me

Feeling fine, sublime
When that smile of yours
Creeps into my mind

mmmm....

Nobody told me it feels so good

Nobody said you'd be so beautiful

Nobody warned me about your smile

You're the light
You're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colourblind
You make me colourblind

Blinded by the light you shine
The colours fade completely
Blinded by you everytime
I feel your smile defeat me

I'm colourblind
I just can't deny this feeling

Nobody told me it feels so good

Nobody said you'd be so beautiful

Nobody warned me about your smile

You're the light
You're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colourblind

Nobody told me it feels so good

Nobody said you'd be so beautiful

Nobody warned me about your smile

You're the light
You're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colourblind

(you're the light, you're the light
when i close my eyes)

You make me colourblind

(you're the light, you're the light
when i close my eyes)

you make me colorblind

(you're the light, you're the light
when i close my eyes
i'm colorblind)

(fading)
nobody told me it feels so good..