i shouldnt be blogging. but this is the last post until the As end. really. i just wanna sau how much i will miss this mundane student lifestyle. i think of how we no longer come to skool, no longer meeting each other every mon to fri, no longer being attacked by the sleeping monster, no longer being able to eat together while thinking that we have an extra ten minutes after the skool bell rings for econs tutorial cos mr khoo is always late, no longer being able to enjoy these little things which i sometimes deem as luxuries.
i know i can wake up later. i know i no longer will be caught for attire problems. there will be a lot more freedom. but is freedom wad i really want?
today is the last day that 05s13 officially exists.
man i hate this feeling. we had grown to care for each other [i think], used to being around each other and now we have no more reason to remain contacted besides class reunions, prom and post-prom preparations, etc.
-------------------------------------------------------
went to dotphotos. looked at those scenes that i missed. every pic i saw pierced at my heart. i feel deprived. left out. i think i should just scram from this world. but i cant. cos i promised da jie not to make her more sad. promised her that i wont hurt myself.
but the problem is, im hurting so damn deeply. so damn deep that i think only death can ease my sufferings. only death. i wait for death to come. and yet i cling onto the hope that one day i will be completely happy. completely free from my sorrows and worries. if only pple around me never die. if only...so many things that i wish for, but none of them can be fulfilled.
it's so pain. i feel so sick, so tired. so hurt. why do i have to cry everyday? why? why does life hurt me so much? why do i feel so hurt? why am i crying so many times?
cos i cant stop thinking. i cant stop looking. i cant stop listening. i cant stop feeling.
i think of how unaccepted i am.
i look at how i am left behind in discussions, always walking behind and not speaking cos i have grown tired of talking to air and nobody's listening.
i listen to pple talking bad abt something and i immediately think that they're talking about me.
i cant stop feeling lonely.
why do tears flow? why do we have feelings?
09 October 2006
5th September 2006
I cant take it. I need to say something. I need to shout out wad I have kept deep in my heart for so long.
Being the youngest is not as fun as you think it is. Imagine your mother comparing you with your ever-competent older siblings and calling you the black sheep of the family when you were just nine years old after you didn’t know wad salt solution is since the teacher haven’t taught the class. Imagine you’re sitting at the dining table when the whole family laughs at your accidents, mocking you and teasing you when the accidents are the stuff you dread mentioning most. Think of the times when the family had so much fun BEFORE you were born. Imagine having no playmates since young, no one to share your joy when you got a 95/100 for maths for the first time when you were ten, no one to share your pain when you fell down the stairs and had a bad cut on the knee when you were seven. No one’s there to know that you were suffering from depression bcos they were “too busy earning money” for your material well-being. No one bothered to comfort you when you were called ugly names like “fat bitch” and F[at] BI[tch]”. They just scolded you for wad you’ve done wrong without asking why you’ve done that thing.
And you think being the youngest is the best.
BULL SHIT.
8th September 2006
I just received an sms from my sister that MW is gonna be the vice-principal of an unknown skool next year. Cool. Yea. Wad can I do with this news?
[I’ve always known that he will make it. That’s why I had this major crush on him. I dun have crushes on failures, rite? Even though im a failure myself. ]
Can I go to him and shake his hand while saying, “congrats, you’re gonna be a VP. Lead a happier life than me k? bet it’s damn easy for you to do so.”
Yea, rite. In the first place I haven’t seen him for months, bcos I haven’t been going to church.
Stopped dreaming of him ever since 31st December 2005. now that’s a long time. The last time I saw him in lala-land, we were in ACJC. I miss him so.
11th September 2006
today was the start of the prelims. First paper was GP. Next paper was also GP. I preferred the first rather than the second paper. Screwed up the second paper. Kept dozing off. My head was literally attached to the damned table. Sheryl wasn’t being her dajie self today.. wonder why. She left without us even though we were going to the same place. Haiz, nvm. She looked pale. Hope that she gets better. Anyway, the only happy thing for today was that wow, im sitting beside push, who is counted as the most handsome guy in class, and I am oso sitting behind amos, the teenage idol of yesteryear. Wow. So many shuai-ge for me to look at. Budden there’s one bad thing, amos is those kind of hyperactive guys who cant stand heat much. So every five minute he will be ballooning his shirt and moving and moving and moving and moving. Haiz, nvm.
And I noticed one thing that zhixiang likes to do after every paper. He likes to lie his head onto the table behind him after every ordeal he has been thru. So poor push, since zhixiang’s sitting in front of him..
After the papers today, went to lot 1 with the class gals to have my very desired lunch. Gobbled up my wanton mee. Slurped up two bowls of soup. Bought bread from four leaves. Wow im a glutton. Went home straight from there while the gals went back to skool to study. Didn’t being anything to study, so didn’t bother to stay in skool. Anyway, I was missing my hp which I had left at home and that I was abt to have my maths tuition with my sis later in the evening.
Came home, did some maths. Looked at the topic “numerical methods” and saw so many stuff that I gotta re-learn made me feel sleepy. Went to have my nap. Was in a comatose state for two plus hours. Dunno why im so damned tired nowadays. Bought “shiny white” toothpaste yesterday and started using it last night. Let’s see if the advertisements haven’t been deceitful. Wait for another 13 days.
My mother went crazy. Here goes the long story. I have two pillows, one for my back and one for my head. I blur-ly put them into the wrong pillow covers. And my mother went crazy. A string got loose from my bolster, she went bananas. I had no time to care about doing the same stuff for my bro, she went berserk. She didn’t say ANYTHING nicely, she didn’t chide, she didn’t let me say anything. She shouted and threatened and denounced me. Made me cry. I wanted to hate her so much. I wanted to just jump over the bloody ledge and make her regret for the rest of her life. I wanted to give up everything that I have now and I will have later. I couldn’t care less. So damn tired of living this life. Wanna end everything asap.
12th September 2006
I dreamt of MW this morning. Yes, I was lamenting that I haven’t dreamt of him only recently and here I am toking about how I dreamt of this wonderful dream.
And I know that I dreamt in the morning cos I remember switching off the alarm clock and going back to sleep and it was only after that when I dreamt of him..
I was in this HUGE HUGE football stadium where there were quite a lot of spectators.. it was some kind of event and he was one of the VIPs’ assistant so he happened to be at the stage as well.. they were kickstarting the event by giving free hulahoops of different colour and sizes.. everybody was to remain in their seats while the VIPs threw the hoops around and he helped out in throwing. No there were no casualties. It’s a dream, c’mon. and that yes, I was extremely far from the stage and yet I could catch quite a number of the hoops. And it so happened that MW kept throwing the hoops at my direction, so I grabbed as many as I could. Could only catch three. I vaguely remember having a blue hoop.. and those that I grabbed were small, just nice to fit into my ikea bag.. oh I haven’t mentioned what he was wearing.. he was in this crisp white long sleeved shirt and dark dark pants.. and his hair was spiked, just the way when I last saw him.. and the most important thing was, he was happy. I could almost feel his enthusiasm in throwing the hoops. And I couldn’t sense anything bad from him. He made me feel happy, and only happiness. He’s the only one who only left behind nice, heartwarming memories in this life of mine. Bcos in my eyes, he never committed a mistake. He didn’t have the chance to do so in front of me. He isn’t allowed to do so. I wont let myself see his faults, even if he does have faults. I guess he doesn’t. I hope so. I still dun really like his wife, even though I never met her.. I only saw the baby. The baby liked to cry during the sermon that time. So cute. I wont mind playing with that little thing.
27th September 2006
yesterday, I left my house at 8am. Reach je at 8.12am. was thinking, “damn, why am I coming so early when meeting time is only 8.45!?” budden nvm, went to buy some snacks for the class.. den waited and waited, watched around five or six trains leave.. took note that the morning crowd will only take up three and a half trains.. I came when the first train arrived.. a rather sizable crowd squeezed into the train.. den soon THE CROWD came. The second train could only hold half of the crowd since there was oredi quite some space taken up from boon lay.. I piao~ed.. soon jialing came.. den Alvin.. den shaoqin and szeyin.. den we set off to meet the rest.. kinda interesting, we four gals wore different shades of blue.. so funny.. but rmb, it’s the Monday blues~
den we reached harbourfront. Wow, it’s fast. Den we met daren, shandy and wanru.. the rest are damn late. But it’s expected.. so we went to have breakfast at subway.. den dean came to meet us there… wow, he brought two balls of different sizes.. daren played with the small one, dean played with the big one and daren went,”wah, see. The big one play with the big ball, the small one play with the small ball.” Everybody laughed.. he’s good at such jokes.. everything he say can make the gals laugh sia.. den chris oso came.. we reached sentosa at around eleven.. den we went to sentosa’s palawan beach.. den the guys wanna play basketball, so we walked to siloso beach.. on the way, chris threw rauh’s [amily’s gold retriever] Frisbee into somewhere it could no longer be found.. they took a long time to look for it.. couldn’t find, so amily kept saying, nvm nvm.. den we continued our journey to siloso beach.. Sheryl brought her Alvin to the class outing.. shandy got her junyan to tag along with her.. den we settled down at one of the shelters, laid the mats, went on to do wad we wanted to do.. the gals [excluding Sheryl] went to swim with our clothes on along the shoreline.. okae, I didn’t really swim, forgot how to, so I walked.. can build muscle sia………. So much resistance.. den we played and played.. den time passed.. soon it was around 1.30pm. the gals wanted to suntan, so did chantong and chris.. veri funny… nat played sand on the two guys’ backs.. labeled them with their names.. veri funny.. den shaoqin and shandy and Sheryl suntanned, I sat with them.. funny experience.. Sheryl was the most troublesome of all when it comes to sun tanning.. she was fretting whether she should take off her top [she was wearing bikini underneath], den when she laid down she wanted her bikini top untied budden she cannot reach, she wanna spread the suntan lotion on her back budden she cannot reach.. hahaha.. den she went on to suntan with her Alvin cos he looked lonely.. so the whole process repeated.. den my clumsy hands spilled the lotion.. hehe.. so I put some on my hands and legs.. after the sun tanning session, shandy, shaoqin and me went to wash ourselves off the oily lotion by soaking ourselves in the sea.. den after that shandy and shaoqin left while me and wanru continued to soak.. den soak finish, we went back to the shelter.. den the rest started scattering off to 7-11, cycling, etc.. while wanru went to sleep.. I had to walk around cos Sheryl wanted to talk to her alvin.. they had a looooooooooooooong talk.. so I wandered around the whole area for a loooooooooooooooong time.. den I was quite near to an American [I can differentiate from their accent] father and his four-yr-old [approx] daughter.. the gal haven’t touched seawater before so he had to coax her into the shallow waters.. and he said,”look at the birds..” and she countered, “I dun care about the birds!” haha, she was soooo cute!! Den I saw Sheryl crying in alvin’s arms.. felt veri sad for her..
[when we went back to the mainland, I suddenly tot of the irony. While the others were playing, enjoying themselves and giggling away, one of our companions was crying bitterly with no one else except the one who hurt her to comfort her. Feel so damn sad..]
den wanru and I went to bath first.. I rinsed since I didn’t bring any shampoo or soap.. but it felt nice.. and I felt so clean! Went back, sat down and we had a mini class time.. talked about the hottest gal, the prettiest gal, the cutest boy, the hottest boy, a lot la.. den we packed up and most went on to bath while I bathed bouncy.. oh ya, Sheryl brought bouncy, did I say? Bouncy swallowed a lot of sand and he smelled of sand.. smelly.. after I bathed him he still carried the smell but he looked happier.. he even put his front paws on me to show his happiness while I dried him… so cute!!!!
Den we got back, went to the food court to have dinner.. delicious~ haven’t had a proper meal since ten plus.. I gobbled down my food for the first time in my life.. by that time Sheryl had went to meet Alvin again [he left after she cried].. our Alvin wished her good luck.. one more funny incident, at the mrt station, chantong had a stomachache. So he ran to the toilet while grabbing his ass… so funny!!!!!!!!!!!! He finished the job within two minutes and he came running back to meet us..
Reached home at ten fifteen.. bathed, tried packing my bag for today’s studying but I couldn’t take it.. went to sleep before I could even switch off the lights.. slept with the lights on.. woke up at six, feeling that something’s not right [actually I woke up for quite a few times but I just went back to sleep while wondering why I woke up] and I realized that the lights were on..
Sian. Tmw skool starts.
7th October 2006
istrucktotolastnightandiwontwothousandthreehundredandfortyeightdollars. Wow………..i can buy SO many stuff!! Still I will retain 1500 dollars in my bank account and spend the rest on prom, class fund, clothes, etc. gave my mother 100 dollars for supplying me the ten dollars used to buy the numbers.. technically, I used 3.50 to win 2,348. let’s calculate. i basically won 2, 344.50.. wow..
btw, I got an interview of p!atd! the band I recently like best!
9th October 2006
I feel like killing myself. Just jump over the window ledge and get over with it. Life is sucky. I feel insignificant. I feel neglected. I gave my all and I got nth back. Den I think, hey I did get smth back. But what? Just a few seconds of concern, of asking, “are you okae?” and *poof* I disappear from your mind again.
I hate everyone of you now. I dun like how you break my heart without you even knowing it. I can just die with nobody ever thinking of me. Maybe they wont even notice my demise, rite blog? I hate life. Life onli welcomes the popular. Life onli leaves me with loneliness and emptiness. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. Great, now my tears come. I hate it. And yet I welcome it. At least I can still feel. At least I get the sign that im still alive and crying. I feel my tears flow down my cheeks and I feel like a person. I have learnt to be with myself and yet, I dun like being with myself. But still, I dun like being the attention and yet I want attention. I hate myself. They’re rite. I am a bitch. A born whore. I dun deserve any love at all.
Fine, it’s just a birthday celebration. Nth bad. BUT I HATED MY BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION. I hate it. Dun ask why. I just thoroughly hated the way my birthday had been celebrated. Just. Get. Away. I wanna bash smth. I wanna slam the laptop that im typing at now rite into the wall. I wanna throw furniture. I want to vent my hatred.
There is no longer self-pity. Not like the past. No more “poor me, nobody loves me.” It’s “bloody hell. I might as well be dead” now. There’s only hatred. Hatred for everything that has become of me. Nobody’s there to hear me. Oh dun deny. You only have time for yourself. And so do i. why should I even bother to be nice. To be considerate. To be polite. I might as well live the way I should live. Live like a bitch. Woof.
Still the tears flow. And I lose my breath. My heart feels oh so tight. So tight that it hurts.
Dun even bother to ask if im alrite. Dun even try to talk your sense into me. I have my own sense. Dun pity me. Be angry with me. I rather all of you shun me. At least I wont feel left out.
I want to die.
I cant take it. I need to say something. I need to shout out wad I have kept deep in my heart for so long.
Being the youngest is not as fun as you think it is. Imagine your mother comparing you with your ever-competent older siblings and calling you the black sheep of the family when you were just nine years old after you didn’t know wad salt solution is since the teacher haven’t taught the class. Imagine you’re sitting at the dining table when the whole family laughs at your accidents, mocking you and teasing you when the accidents are the stuff you dread mentioning most. Think of the times when the family had so much fun BEFORE you were born. Imagine having no playmates since young, no one to share your joy when you got a 95/100 for maths for the first time when you were ten, no one to share your pain when you fell down the stairs and had a bad cut on the knee when you were seven. No one’s there to know that you were suffering from depression bcos they were “too busy earning money” for your material well-being. No one bothered to comfort you when you were called ugly names like “fat bitch” and F[at] BI[tch]”. They just scolded you for wad you’ve done wrong without asking why you’ve done that thing.
And you think being the youngest is the best.
BULL SHIT.
8th September 2006
I just received an sms from my sister that MW is gonna be the vice-principal of an unknown skool next year. Cool. Yea. Wad can I do with this news?
[I’ve always known that he will make it. That’s why I had this major crush on him. I dun have crushes on failures, rite? Even though im a failure myself. ]
Can I go to him and shake his hand while saying, “congrats, you’re gonna be a VP. Lead a happier life than me k? bet it’s damn easy for you to do so.”
Yea, rite. In the first place I haven’t seen him for months, bcos I haven’t been going to church.
Stopped dreaming of him ever since 31st December 2005. now that’s a long time. The last time I saw him in lala-land, we were in ACJC. I miss him so.
11th September 2006
today was the start of the prelims. First paper was GP. Next paper was also GP. I preferred the first rather than the second paper. Screwed up the second paper. Kept dozing off. My head was literally attached to the damned table. Sheryl wasn’t being her dajie self today.. wonder why. She left without us even though we were going to the same place. Haiz, nvm. She looked pale. Hope that she gets better. Anyway, the only happy thing for today was that wow, im sitting beside push, who is counted as the most handsome guy in class, and I am oso sitting behind amos, the teenage idol of yesteryear. Wow. So many shuai-ge for me to look at. Budden there’s one bad thing, amos is those kind of hyperactive guys who cant stand heat much. So every five minute he will be ballooning his shirt and moving and moving and moving and moving. Haiz, nvm.
And I noticed one thing that zhixiang likes to do after every paper. He likes to lie his head onto the table behind him after every ordeal he has been thru. So poor push, since zhixiang’s sitting in front of him..
After the papers today, went to lot 1 with the class gals to have my very desired lunch. Gobbled up my wanton mee. Slurped up two bowls of soup. Bought bread from four leaves. Wow im a glutton. Went home straight from there while the gals went back to skool to study. Didn’t being anything to study, so didn’t bother to stay in skool. Anyway, I was missing my hp which I had left at home and that I was abt to have my maths tuition with my sis later in the evening.
Came home, did some maths. Looked at the topic “numerical methods” and saw so many stuff that I gotta re-learn made me feel sleepy. Went to have my nap. Was in a comatose state for two plus hours. Dunno why im so damned tired nowadays. Bought “shiny white” toothpaste yesterday and started using it last night. Let’s see if the advertisements haven’t been deceitful. Wait for another 13 days.
My mother went crazy. Here goes the long story. I have two pillows, one for my back and one for my head. I blur-ly put them into the wrong pillow covers. And my mother went crazy. A string got loose from my bolster, she went bananas. I had no time to care about doing the same stuff for my bro, she went berserk. She didn’t say ANYTHING nicely, she didn’t chide, she didn’t let me say anything. She shouted and threatened and denounced me. Made me cry. I wanted to hate her so much. I wanted to just jump over the bloody ledge and make her regret for the rest of her life. I wanted to give up everything that I have now and I will have later. I couldn’t care less. So damn tired of living this life. Wanna end everything asap.
12th September 2006
I dreamt of MW this morning. Yes, I was lamenting that I haven’t dreamt of him only recently and here I am toking about how I dreamt of this wonderful dream.
And I know that I dreamt in the morning cos I remember switching off the alarm clock and going back to sleep and it was only after that when I dreamt of him..
I was in this HUGE HUGE football stadium where there were quite a lot of spectators.. it was some kind of event and he was one of the VIPs’ assistant so he happened to be at the stage as well.. they were kickstarting the event by giving free hulahoops of different colour and sizes.. everybody was to remain in their seats while the VIPs threw the hoops around and he helped out in throwing. No there were no casualties. It’s a dream, c’mon. and that yes, I was extremely far from the stage and yet I could catch quite a number of the hoops. And it so happened that MW kept throwing the hoops at my direction, so I grabbed as many as I could. Could only catch three. I vaguely remember having a blue hoop.. and those that I grabbed were small, just nice to fit into my ikea bag.. oh I haven’t mentioned what he was wearing.. he was in this crisp white long sleeved shirt and dark dark pants.. and his hair was spiked, just the way when I last saw him.. and the most important thing was, he was happy. I could almost feel his enthusiasm in throwing the hoops. And I couldn’t sense anything bad from him. He made me feel happy, and only happiness. He’s the only one who only left behind nice, heartwarming memories in this life of mine. Bcos in my eyes, he never committed a mistake. He didn’t have the chance to do so in front of me. He isn’t allowed to do so. I wont let myself see his faults, even if he does have faults. I guess he doesn’t. I hope so. I still dun really like his wife, even though I never met her.. I only saw the baby. The baby liked to cry during the sermon that time. So cute. I wont mind playing with that little thing.
27th September 2006
yesterday, I left my house at 8am. Reach je at 8.12am. was thinking, “damn, why am I coming so early when meeting time is only 8.45!?” budden nvm, went to buy some snacks for the class.. den waited and waited, watched around five or six trains leave.. took note that the morning crowd will only take up three and a half trains.. I came when the first train arrived.. a rather sizable crowd squeezed into the train.. den soon THE CROWD came. The second train could only hold half of the crowd since there was oredi quite some space taken up from boon lay.. I piao~ed.. soon jialing came.. den Alvin.. den shaoqin and szeyin.. den we set off to meet the rest.. kinda interesting, we four gals wore different shades of blue.. so funny.. but rmb, it’s the Monday blues~
den we reached harbourfront. Wow, it’s fast. Den we met daren, shandy and wanru.. the rest are damn late. But it’s expected.. so we went to have breakfast at subway.. den dean came to meet us there… wow, he brought two balls of different sizes.. daren played with the small one, dean played with the big one and daren went,”wah, see. The big one play with the big ball, the small one play with the small ball.” Everybody laughed.. he’s good at such jokes.. everything he say can make the gals laugh sia.. den chris oso came.. we reached sentosa at around eleven.. den we went to sentosa’s palawan beach.. den the guys wanna play basketball, so we walked to siloso beach.. on the way, chris threw rauh’s [amily’s gold retriever] Frisbee into somewhere it could no longer be found.. they took a long time to look for it.. couldn’t find, so amily kept saying, nvm nvm.. den we continued our journey to siloso beach.. Sheryl brought her Alvin to the class outing.. shandy got her junyan to tag along with her.. den we settled down at one of the shelters, laid the mats, went on to do wad we wanted to do.. the gals [excluding Sheryl] went to swim with our clothes on along the shoreline.. okae, I didn’t really swim, forgot how to, so I walked.. can build muscle sia………. So much resistance.. den we played and played.. den time passed.. soon it was around 1.30pm. the gals wanted to suntan, so did chantong and chris.. veri funny… nat played sand on the two guys’ backs.. labeled them with their names.. veri funny.. den shaoqin and shandy and Sheryl suntanned, I sat with them.. funny experience.. Sheryl was the most troublesome of all when it comes to sun tanning.. she was fretting whether she should take off her top [she was wearing bikini underneath], den when she laid down she wanted her bikini top untied budden she cannot reach, she wanna spread the suntan lotion on her back budden she cannot reach.. hahaha.. den she went on to suntan with her Alvin cos he looked lonely.. so the whole process repeated.. den my clumsy hands spilled the lotion.. hehe.. so I put some on my hands and legs.. after the sun tanning session, shandy, shaoqin and me went to wash ourselves off the oily lotion by soaking ourselves in the sea.. den after that shandy and shaoqin left while me and wanru continued to soak.. den soak finish, we went back to the shelter.. den the rest started scattering off to 7-11, cycling, etc.. while wanru went to sleep.. I had to walk around cos Sheryl wanted to talk to her alvin.. they had a looooooooooooooong talk.. so I wandered around the whole area for a loooooooooooooooong time.. den I was quite near to an American [I can differentiate from their accent] father and his four-yr-old [approx] daughter.. the gal haven’t touched seawater before so he had to coax her into the shallow waters.. and he said,”look at the birds..” and she countered, “I dun care about the birds!” haha, she was soooo cute!! Den I saw Sheryl crying in alvin’s arms.. felt veri sad for her..
[when we went back to the mainland, I suddenly tot of the irony. While the others were playing, enjoying themselves and giggling away, one of our companions was crying bitterly with no one else except the one who hurt her to comfort her. Feel so damn sad..]
den wanru and I went to bath first.. I rinsed since I didn’t bring any shampoo or soap.. but it felt nice.. and I felt so clean! Went back, sat down and we had a mini class time.. talked about the hottest gal, the prettiest gal, the cutest boy, the hottest boy, a lot la.. den we packed up and most went on to bath while I bathed bouncy.. oh ya, Sheryl brought bouncy, did I say? Bouncy swallowed a lot of sand and he smelled of sand.. smelly.. after I bathed him he still carried the smell but he looked happier.. he even put his front paws on me to show his happiness while I dried him… so cute!!!!
Den we got back, went to the food court to have dinner.. delicious~ haven’t had a proper meal since ten plus.. I gobbled down my food for the first time in my life.. by that time Sheryl had went to meet Alvin again [he left after she cried].. our Alvin wished her good luck.. one more funny incident, at the mrt station, chantong had a stomachache. So he ran to the toilet while grabbing his ass… so funny!!!!!!!!!!!! He finished the job within two minutes and he came running back to meet us..
Reached home at ten fifteen.. bathed, tried packing my bag for today’s studying but I couldn’t take it.. went to sleep before I could even switch off the lights.. slept with the lights on.. woke up at six, feeling that something’s not right [actually I woke up for quite a few times but I just went back to sleep while wondering why I woke up] and I realized that the lights were on..
Sian. Tmw skool starts.
7th October 2006
istrucktotolastnightandiwontwothousandthreehundredandfortyeightdollars. Wow………..i can buy SO many stuff!! Still I will retain 1500 dollars in my bank account and spend the rest on prom, class fund, clothes, etc. gave my mother 100 dollars for supplying me the ten dollars used to buy the numbers.. technically, I used 3.50 to win 2,348. let’s calculate. i basically won 2, 344.50.. wow..
btw, I got an interview of p!atd! the band I recently like best!
9th October 2006
I feel like killing myself. Just jump over the window ledge and get over with it. Life is sucky. I feel insignificant. I feel neglected. I gave my all and I got nth back. Den I think, hey I did get smth back. But what? Just a few seconds of concern, of asking, “are you okae?” and *poof* I disappear from your mind again.
I hate everyone of you now. I dun like how you break my heart without you even knowing it. I can just die with nobody ever thinking of me. Maybe they wont even notice my demise, rite blog? I hate life. Life onli welcomes the popular. Life onli leaves me with loneliness and emptiness. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. Great, now my tears come. I hate it. And yet I welcome it. At least I can still feel. At least I get the sign that im still alive and crying. I feel my tears flow down my cheeks and I feel like a person. I have learnt to be with myself and yet, I dun like being with myself. But still, I dun like being the attention and yet I want attention. I hate myself. They’re rite. I am a bitch. A born whore. I dun deserve any love at all.
Fine, it’s just a birthday celebration. Nth bad. BUT I HATED MY BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION. I hate it. Dun ask why. I just thoroughly hated the way my birthday had been celebrated. Just. Get. Away. I wanna bash smth. I wanna slam the laptop that im typing at now rite into the wall. I wanna throw furniture. I want to vent my hatred.
There is no longer self-pity. Not like the past. No more “poor me, nobody loves me.” It’s “bloody hell. I might as well be dead” now. There’s only hatred. Hatred for everything that has become of me. Nobody’s there to hear me. Oh dun deny. You only have time for yourself. And so do i. why should I even bother to be nice. To be considerate. To be polite. I might as well live the way I should live. Live like a bitch. Woof.
Still the tears flow. And I lose my breath. My heart feels oh so tight. So tight that it hurts.
Dun even bother to ask if im alrite. Dun even try to talk your sense into me. I have my own sense. Dun pity me. Be angry with me. I rather all of you shun me. At least I wont feel left out.
I want to die.
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