promos

yar, it finally came out.

and i am a CEO sia... my results were C E O C6 A2. the A2 is for chinese.. C6 is for gp.. C is for maths.. E is for physics - it is a pass, mind you. O for econs...

man, it's disappointing.. im gonna mug and mug during the hols.

c'mon, buy me a mug with cash in it! lotsa cash!

and... everything has been finalised. 5 pple kana retained. i feel veri upset..

i hate the fact that so many unwanted things happened to me.
i hate the fact that nobody sought to understand me cos i never opened my heart.
i hate the fact that i no longer trust in the love man gives.
i hate the fact that everything i do will have an impact.
i hate the fact that relationships fail at times.
i hate the fact that i can never be perfect.
i hate the fact that everytime i wish for something, the opposite happens.
i hate the fact that i actually sought to please pple besides God.
i hate the fact that many things are out of our control.

but i will hate no one for causing my pain but myself.

i am my biggest enemy.

lemme say "Sorry"

hey gal,
sorry that my words hurt you.
sorry that my intentions were misunderstood.
sorry for everything you blamed me for [took it from a song's lyrics].
sorry for everything that i've done.
sorry for not being the fren that you wanted me to be, for being a fren i define in my own way. sorry for not being up to expectations.
sorry that i created more trouble between us.


hey pple whom i have hurt before and in the future,
sorry that i forgot to remind you many things.
sorry for not telling you that i can easily get jealous over many minor things.
sorry that i had to tell you all about myself so that you could understand me.
sorry that in the days of me being suicidal, i tot that i was all alone. who could have tot that she had frens all along when she tot that all things became bleak and that everybody but God had forsaken her?
sorry that i have suffered, thus making you suffer with me.
sorry for me being me.

haiz

this week is one eventful week..

got to know that 5 of my classmates wont be able to make it for promotion to j2.. how? i feel so lost.. got 2 of my frens kana.. and..and..aiyar, dun wanna say my next thought out, cos it's a secret that will make ppe laugh at my foolishness.. so it's your chance to start thinking abt wad i wanted to say.. bet it'll take a lifetime for you to think out..

i want so much for ALL my classmates to be promoted to the same class as me.. my desire is there, but it cant affect the skool's decisions.. wad can i do now? everything's settled oredi, nothing can be changed anymore.. wad to do, wad to do? those 2 are great frens to be with..

i want to be selfish and wish so hard that they'll be promoted.. but given their grades, it shows that even if they get promoted to j2, they cant survive.

why izzit that those frens who are important to me are removed from my presence everytime? why? to those frens who are still around me, dun get offended that you arent important to me cos you are important..! it's just a matter of time that eveybody leaves me for good..

sometime during the day when i was alone, an image of MW appeared.. the image was vericlear: he was smiling and toking to a person on his right.. i tot i forgot how he looked like.. but somehow, i can remember ever so clearly..

why liddat? i always memorise the wrong things. this afternoon, i let my eyes settle more often on the classmates who most probably cannot make it to j2.. i just wanna stay longer in their presence.. i try so hard to memorise everything about them. i always do. everytime when someone is about to leave my side, i try to memorise their face, their voice, their habits.. and often, i succeed.. but it tortures me when i recall my times with them and find out that they are no longer by my side like the past.. it's so painful. i will miss them so much.. there'll be times when i will end up looking for them in class, only to find out that they are no longer in the same class. i've gotten so used to them being around me and now, they'll be removed from my side.. haiz

okae, my show starts. it's the last episode..

oh no!!

why "oh no!"?

cos my bro impregnated his galfren. and my mother do not like his galfren. and the galfren dun want an abortion, not that i want an abortion. and his room is too small for another occupant. so maybe he will go to her house to stay. and my mother may die of anger and grief and disappointment since she didnt expect my bro to be such a...."i-cant-think-of-a-word-to-describe-him". cant possibly call him a b****** since he's my bro. but he was really careless and had done something morally wrong: pre-marital sex. and i dun want to lose my mother. and now, i dunno wad to do. and my bro's galfren looks taller than him.

i think i shall act like i dunno about everything again. adult affairs are too complicated for small children like me. just gotta get ready extra strong ear plugs. or i get ready tissue paper for my mother. dun think my father will bother much.

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wanted to post something long regarding my promos, but now no mood to blog veri long.. i'll just give you a brief glance. i may or may not get promoted to j2. so pray for me that i can be promoted still, pple.. i promise i'll kiss you.. i dun want my mother to suffer another blow from her children.

im veri tired. really.

i am veri angry... and afraid.

yar i angry about this laptop that i am using... i painstakingly typed in my previous entry and sent it for posting. in the end, the entry didnt appear at all!!! i refuse to retype. this happened too many times. that time type hotmail msg den oso liddat. haiz...

veri sleepy now... tmw SA results coming out.. PRAY FOR ME!!!! den if i passed, those who prayed for me will receive a kiss from me. im serious..

today today

promos results: part II

yes, i failed my econs mcq. i got 14/30. but, according to june, i passed cos it's 45%, counted as pass.. i dun understand le... haiz. i feel disheartened. but nvm. econs i can afford to have an AO pass once i pass my physics!! i have the chance to pass my physics! i have!! i will pass!!!!!!!!! YEA!!!! OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am going crazy.

rain rain go away

haiz... been raining for the WHOLE DAY ever since i woke up at 12 plus.. budden liddat veri cooling, the weather now is even colder than my aircon when i switch it on at night.. i like!!! haha.. i more scared of heat itself.. at least when you feel cold can wear jacket.. and when i feel hot, my scalp will start itching.. hehe.. my head can be a heat sensor. veri sian. haiz.

bankotsu

dunno who's bankotsu? he's from the animated series: INUYASHA!!! if you dunno wad inuyasha is about, FORGET IT. dun ask questions k? i dun like explaining or talking about things in detail when it is not associated with my studies.. bakotsu is soooooo cute!!! i got a link: http://www.geocities.com/bankotsukitty/
see? the webmaster call him a... kitty!? omigosh.. poor bankotsu. but nvm.. he's cute. so is inuyasha.. inuyasha is much more cuter den bankotsu.. and den sesshomaru is the most handsome anime character i've ever seen!!!! if only a guy, no, a demon like him exists.. budden... i rather watch them on tv or on paper.. i dun like life-like cartoon characters that go walking around in shopping malls, so ugly..... i want my sess to remain two-dimensional. sess' website is http://sesshomaruscastle.cjb.net/
and i found out that his name's english translation is: Destruction of Perfected Circle of Pure Life.
wow..

argh, i like inuyasha [the show and the person] cos they have an amazing love story and so many good-looking guys! haha... oh yar, and there's azumanga.. so many cute gals! one of the gals is soooo much like shandy, my classmate.. haha.. everything blur blur..

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and have you read the newspapers today?? front page: is mother nature on a rampage?
den you turn to the SATURDAY section: our angry earth?

well. this year had been an unpleasant year.

erm, which year had been pleasant, can i ask??

the pleasant years were when humans weren't created, when every living thing didnt manipulate mother nature. manipulate. did i use the word wrongly? i dun think so. we did so much manipulation that the poor old woman got so angry that she collaborated with God to destroy lives. hey, just kidding!!!! im not saying that God is an embodiment of evil. it's just that im wondering, why are lives being taken right now and thus causing hearts to break and lives of others to stop? was thinking "why not take EVERYBODY's lives?" when an answer appeared in my head,"to warn those who lived about judgement day." judgement day is the day when everybody is judged before God and is sent to either heaven or hell, according to my translation of the two words "JUDGEMENT DAY".

so, quickly earn your way to heaven before you die! i mean, be godly!!

promos results: part I

hehe.. gonna try updating you pple abt my promos results if my mother allows me to continue surfing the net after she knows how much i scored.

so far, i got back my econs mcq, physics mcq and my chinese papers 1 and 2..

econs mcq so far.. if i get another two wrong for the questions [teacher havent finish going thru the paper], i will fail the paper.. and i got a strong feeling that i will scrape thru and get an AO pass.. well, i must scrape through!!!

physics mcq paper.. I AM SOOOOOOOO HAPPY!!!! i got 21/30!!!!!!! first time i get such a nice number for physics!!!!! erm, budden i not sure whether i really get 21 questions correct, it's either 22 or 21.. cos i have a question which i did not answer on my question paper, and the OTAS paper still with the skool.. either mark, i am very happy!! den i calculate ar.. for promotion, 70% of the 100% overall mark is taken from the exam, 30% is from the CA.. i got 51% for CA, so i oredi scored 15.3 for overall marks.. den the 21/30 thingy.. den i forgot how i calculated le.. aiyar, i just know that if i just pass the killer paper, sure can pass!!! wait, i think the equation is forming in my head.. lemme go calculate..
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ahh... i must at least get 28.5714285714 / 70 for the killer paper!! that is okae............. woohoo!!! if i cant even scarp thru, i will.. i will..... i will........... work harder for the repaper. no use to cry, and i cant even squeeze out tears for my papers.. kill myself? siao~ can start all over again wad.. and den failing papers does not mean it's the end of the world...

oh yar, my chinese paper.. woohoo!! i first time get 53/70 for my compo leh!!! normally it's around the 41 mark range.. liddat it's 75.714285714%.. and my other paper... i got 66.5 / 100!! liddat i sure wont fail my chinese... but here's the bad news: chinese is NOT counted for promos. feel like pulling my hair....... but nvm, count my studying for this paper for theAO paper at the end of this month lor.. the AO paper is on the 31st Oct. darren's b'day.. halloween's day oso.. WHAT A DAY. did moe purposely choose this day to tell us that the paper is as scary as the monsters of halloween??

wad to do?

nowadays i feel depressed.

depressed about my studies and about my social life.

studies: promos results sure not up to expectations. i DONT WANT TO BE RETAINED. I AM SO VERY FRIGHTENED. wad will happen? i dun want my mother to be sad. i dun want her to be disappointed with me. i dun want to break her heart. and i definitely dun want to hear her scream her head off all over again.. i oso know that if im retained, it's most possible that i can never make it since the syllabus for the next batch will be tougher, all thanks to the stooopid govt i have. oops! sorry!! im from china! so the govt im tokin abt is NOT singapore's govt.

relationship issues: okae, i definitely need to say this once and for all. i no longer feel that elin and i are as close as we used to. yar, i should have expected it, since we are MILES away.. but, who will welcome such an outcome? so it should be understandable that im upset, rite? haiz.. it is oso kinda my fault, i didnt make the extra effort to maintain our frenship, esp the time when she last came back.. we didnt even get to meet up, only toked on the phone.. and i found out that at that point, we seemed to have little conversational topics.. to me, having little things to tok is a disaster for a relationship. imagine husband and wife, everyday they look at each other with nothing to tok about.. they just share a bed, share a house, share the surname, share a marriage contract. they dun have the key to keep themselves bonded: communication.
and now, elin and i seem to have lost communication. HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW???????!!!????!?!?!?!?!???????!!!!

letting go yet holding back

haiz........

time to say but it's hard to say, "i gotta let go."

gotta let go of many things which are of value to me. gotta let go of practices which can ruin me. but i cant do it alone. yet i dun want help from others.

i gotta let go of someone. i gotta let go of MW. it's getting way absurd. yesterday, his image suddenly floated into my mind. his voice was ringing in my ears. but his person is not around. he's gone. forever. he walked out of my insignificant life. when we both left fairfield. when we went our different directions. when leaving becomes a necessity, a necessity which we need in order to move on.

my tears have gone dry. i cant squeeze another tear out. yet i am losing my passion and will to live again. i am sad. i am depressed. i am disappointed with my academic performance. i am disappointed with myself. i am losing the will to move on. losing the urge to see wad my future holds. i lost faith in life. i cant feel my love for God anymore. it's dulled.but i can feel His love for me. wad am i to do? my exam results will be coming out on wednesday. my physics is a certificate of failure. my econs is the embodiment of disgrace. wad am i to do?

IM BACK!!!!!!

woohoo!!! im back im back im back im back im back im back im back im back im back im back im back im back im back im back im back im back im back im back im back...............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yesterday was my birthday. today is the last day of my promos. and last week, i had a nightmare.

i call this nightmare "jinxed"..
there was this gal. she is supposed to jinx everybody who befriended her. but she still made frens. suddenly i became that gal.. den my mother got warded into the hospital cos she was suspected to have caught dengue fever.. so i went to visit her.. den i became a dengue patient too. suddenly i okae.. so i went to go see my mother at the hospital with my frens.. we were at the ground level.. so we had to take the elevator rite? but somehow i didnt take cos it was too crowded.. so many of my frens were in the lift.. suddenly, i heard screaming and a screeching sound, den i heard a loud thud coming from the lift door.. soon the lift bell went "ding", signalling that the door was opening.. it's like so creepy, the door opened so slowly even though it was opening like usual.. suddenly i became the audience and i didnt dare looked at the lift cos i knew that the frens are in that life which had fallen.. who will wanna see how their frens die?? so i looked at the gal who was suppopsed to be me.. her eyes were wide opened and she kinda screamed..

den another dream take over and i was trying to hide from a guy in a department store... until i came into a part of the building where it reminded me of a storeroom.. so i went inside.. den there was another room in that room.. den i saw a nicely lit tunnel leading to another room.. so i went inner and inner into the place until cannot find another room le.. den there was a heavy curtain where i hid myself in.. still, the guy found me.. somehow, the guy told me to not be afraid and come out of my hiding place.. he was looking at me the whole time.. den i suddenly felt that he's a good person so i came out..

den my nightmare continued. i calling it "jinxed by my galfren"..
why? lemme tell you the story first.. the gal soon made a boyfren.. and that hospital where the frens died became an abandoned building.. and they boyfren should be a construction worker, cos he went to the abandoned building with his frens who were carrying those construction stuff.. den that guy was at the lift lobby when one of the gal's dead fren came to see him as a vengeful ghost.. she was angry that she was jinxed by the gal, who indirectly caused her death.. so she wanted to kill the gal, budden she cannot leave the building.. so she decided to kill the gal's boyfren.. so of course he ran lar... den his frens saw the ghost and ran with him... den at a very safe place, the guy told is frens the entire story.. the frens were kinda angry that he didnt tell them earlier.. but they decided to go back and face the ghost and oso exterminate her if they can.. so they were taking their vehicle back to the building.. that vehicle is that type of super long lorry with carrying metal rods type.. you could have seen it before.. quite a common sight in jurong east..

and i woke up an hour and 45 minutes later..

i woke up panting like siao... so tired lor!!!! haha... dreaming is taxing..

i made another dream recently.. but it's a sinful dream, so i dun think i should tok about it..

tata!!

still, christian bale and raymond lam are two gorgeous guys!